Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Handout (04/14/11)
-
TITLE: An Unlawful Withdrawal | Previous Challenge Entry
By Shawn McNamara
04/21/11 -
LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE
SEND A PRIVATE COMMENT
ADD TO MY FAVORITES
By day, the streets crawl with the helpless, the aimless and the lifeless; drug peddlers, drug abusers, drunks, prostitutes, hustlers, bums, beggars, homeless … a wide variety of the most awful kind.
The surroundings are a blend of a community trying to change. There are newer corporate structures, a new grocery store and even a new upper class condominium development intermingled with 99 cent stores, liquor stores, sex paraphernalia stores, tattoo parlors and low income housing.
By night, well … you don’t really want to be out here on your own at night.
What a strange neighborhood to place a small community service style bank.
I guess with the amount of foot and vehicle traffic, being so close to the mall, the beach and downtown that it was an attractive opportunity for business.
Timing however wasn’t great as the economy continued to slide. It was a short two years before the business decided to pull the plug. A bad job market, a declining economy; and 25 employees who felt robbed … all before 3 of them actually were.
The door bell rings; an unknown man who appeared to fit the ‘normal’ description of the neighborhood street dweller strolls in; it was quite the regular occurrence.
“Good afternoon sir”, says Giovanni with a mouth full of food as he was eating lunch at the second desk.
From the third desk, Sherman stands up and asks, “Is there something I can help you with sir?”
“This guy has me.” the customer states.
Everyone sits down for what appeared to be a normal interaction.
It wasn’t normal at all. Something was awry.
The conversation between Giovanni and the customer was hushed.
A cash drawer was opening way too rapid for any style of transaction.
Sherman suddenly felt a fierce buzzing of the body from his head to the tips of his toes. His Spirit was alarming him.
As quickly as Samuel was alerted, the customer bolts out of his chair and makes a move around the side of Giovanni’s desk.
“Get out of the way and give me the friggin money!!” the customer yells.
It was although things were happening in slow motion, but Samuel’s mind was racing a mile a minute. In the transition from one side of the desk to the other, Samuel and the customer had made eye contact briefly, as Samuel’s fingers instinctually brushed the emergency buttons.
And just as quickly as the buttons were pressed, the bandit had shoved Giovanni out of the way, helped himself to the cash drawer and began his escape.
As the bandit made his way through the lobby, he shouted “don’t open this door or else this bomb will explode!”
The next noise you heard was the sound of something hard hitting the floor, followed by the ring of the door bell … and then silence.
It was an awkward moment that conceded just as swift as it arrived.
Cell phones and land lines began buzzing. Giovanni paced back and forth while on the phone with the police. Samuel ran to the back to inform Dania that they were just robbed while answering the office line to hear “this is Gina from Diebold responding to an alert. Is everything okay?”
Samuel timidly whispers “We were just robbed. Everyone’s okay”.
“Okay. The police are on en-route” she calmly responds.
She wasn’t kidding. Cops were already at the front door, guns aimed and ready for action. Samuel was closest to the front door to hear the officer say, “Is there a back door sir?
“Yes sir, there is” Samuel responds.
“Get everyone out of there!” the office commanded.
They all make their own escape through the bank’s back door to a scene that appeared to have been from out of a movie.
There was action everywhere; police cars with lights flashing, uniformed officers setting a perimeter, city detectives, federal agents, the bomb squad, employees who were emptied from the surrounding offices, police copters swarming in the air above joined so quickly by a few of the local news channel copters and locals buzzing about to try to see what transpire.
Finally, there was a moment or serenity amongst the circus of law.
Samuel, letting out a sigh asks “Are you guys okay?”
“I’m okay”, Dania replies “a little stirred, but not shaken.”
“I’m okay too” Giovanni states “just can’t believe it!”
“I can’t believe it either.” Samuel mutters “After being here for two years, it takes closing the bank before someone comes in for a handout.”
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be right now. CLICK HERE
JOIN US at FaithWriters for Free. Grow as a Writer and Spread the Gospel.
One way to make it better is to leave out the tags. You've set up the sentences with action so you don't need said, etc.. For example this sentence: The bandit ran through the lobby,“Don’t open this door or else this bomb will explode!”
I just took out the words "as; he shouted" and substituted ran for "made his way"
You have a good start on the thing most writers struggle- Show, Don't Tell. The first two paragraphs tell and you really don't need them for the story. If you start with
the third paragraph,you'll grab the reader's attention right away.
These are just suggestions, you've done a nice job with the story and once the action started I was holding my breath and wanted more. You have natural talent and I sense a passion in your writing, keep at it; you've done a good job.