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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: The Inner Person (09/09/10)
September 10

I pause hesitantly in front of the side entrance, my hand holding the door frame for support. For what seems like hours, I just stood there, thinking whether I should go in at all. But then I remembered why I came here, and I pushed myself inside, sitting by the corner of the dimly-lit room.

Dominating the front of the room, almost completely hidden by shadow, is a large wooden cross. I gazed at it only for a moment before looking down. I feel both lucky and dreadful to be here – I know the security guard of this church personally, so I was allowed to go in for a few minutes despite the church being closed. But now that I’m here, somehow I could not bear to look at the cross.

I began to pray. As I did so, a tidal wave of emotions swept over me, and I could not help my remorse. I confessed the grievous sin I have committed, and I poured out all my heart to Jesus, in the end renewing my relationship with Him. I could not remember feeling so joyful, and I went home riding a cloud.


September 13

I closed my window and locked the door. I breathed a deep sigh and closed the lights of my bedroom. Then I knelt down on the floor to pray. It has only been three days, and yet I find myself caught in the same sin, the same one which I have prayed about in the church. Only this time, I felt I should not trouble my friend the security guard anymore, so I decided to stay home.

I prayed again, using roughly the same words and trying to evoke the same remorse I felt the last time. However, I felt a little voice while I was praying, and it terrified me. It accuses me of my sin, and how pointless it was to keep praying for forgiveness. And what’s more, it made me feel a little callous inside, and I couldn’t really feel the same connection like I did before.

Nevertheless I still prayed, but this time I didn’t feel as joyful, and I slept a restless sleep.


September 14

I did it again. Without compunction I have done the same sin twice today. And worse, I didn’t feel remorseful about it anymore. I’m a nice guy in general, and I felt the other guy deserved it. But as a Christian, I know I should pray and confess it.

But that’s just it. I simply know it without feeling like doing it. I don’t care. I know I’m right. The Lord knows I’m right. A great wrong was done to me, so I it’s just right that I “return” the favor. I will not be sorry today. No sir.


September 16

I sit alone inside the church once more. I feel so hypocritical I could almost laugh. I mean, what am I doing here praying again, for the same little thing, over and over and over?

But somehow I could not rest easy. Something inside me is driving me to be here. To pray again, despite all the accusations, despite all the contradictions, and despite all the repetitions I did.

And despite having little to no remorse left at the moment, I still find myself kneeling down, intoning the same words and the same prayers.

Will God hear me despite my callous mindset? In my mind, a loud voice is rejecting the idea and screaming some obscenities at me. But I don’t understand it, really – another voice deep inside me is telling me otherwise. That God does hear all my prayers despite the hypocrisy I feel. Is that the Holy Spirit? Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t feel so spiritual to discern between the two at the moment.

But I do know that this other voice inside my being is stronger. And that following it is the best thing I can do right now.
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This article has been read 711 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
09/16/10
Wow this is a strong piece part of me wants to know so much more but another part understands it's between you and God. Plus without revealing your sin, this could be anyone's story. It helps draw the reader in.
Nancy Bucca
09/17/10
I find this piece refreshingly realistic. It clearly shows the downward slide into sin and how easy it is to fall away from that still small voice inside. I found myself on pins and needles at the end, hoping that the MC would make the right choice.
Sarah Heywood
09/17/10
While reading this Rom. 7:19 popped into my head, "For the good that I would I do, I do not, but the evil which I would not, that I do." Sinning is the part of the human condition that we will fight against until the day Jesus takes us home.

I enjoyed this - you wrote it very well.
Christina Banks
09/20/10
Been there, done that. This is a very realistic piece.