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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Breathe (08/19/10)
Erin twisted the steering wheel hard to the right; close to the ditch she turned it back left, swerving several more times before the car straightened its path once more.

“Whew!” Erin sighed. “ That was a close call. Why do skunks always stop in the middle of my lane?” She knew that Trix, her Beagle, couldn't answer but she talked to her anyway. “If I had hit that Skunk, we would have reeked with a very unpleasant odor for a long time.”

“Yip.” Trix barked agreement, front legs bouncing up and down.

A few minutes later, Erin pulled off the road into a wooded area. “Come on Trix, take in that fresh smell. I love to come to the woods after a rain. Don't you? This young Cedar is redolent in fresh clean scent. That reminds me, we need some more cedar chips for the closet. "Let's run.” Erin took off at a fast trot.

Trix ran ahead of her a while, then doubled back to make sure she was okay before sprinting ahead again, barking happily.

As Erin's breath became labored, she slowed to a fast walk, then an even slower pace. Wow, she thought, that flu took more out of me than I realized. Trix bounced in place, Barking at her to come on, hurry! Trix pulled on her shoe strings.

“I know you want to run, Trix.” she barely had air to whisper. “I just have to let my lungs catch up before I can run again.” She sat down on a nearby rock. She found a stick to throw for Trix. “Here girl, Fetch!” She tossed the stick as far as she could. Trix got it quickly, happily returning it to be thrown again. Erin threw it a few more times until her breathing returned to normal.

“Let's go, fast walk this time Trix.”

“Yip, Yip.” Trix returned to running the trail. She was moving as fast as her little Beagle legs would carry her. She looked back to check on where Erin was and before she knew it, she dropped into a deep muddy hole. “YIP, Woof, whine.” The mud was so thick it pushed on her rib cage, making it hard to take in air to bark.”

Erin heard the first startled barks and hurried to see what had happened. She saw the mud hole. Trix's head was just barely above the mud. She was struggling.

“Oh, Trix, I'll get you, stop struggling, please!.” She lay down on the trail and reached out to paw the mud away from her precious Trix. “This mud stinks. Trix, Trix!” Trix's head went limp. She just could not take in enough air to stay conscious. Erin redoubled her efforts in scooping the mud away from her precious friend. She finally got both hands under Trix and pulled her up. Her legs coming out of the mud sounded like a cork coming out of a bottle.

Erin immediately started to blow into Trix's nostrils, making sure they were clear of mud, and pressing rhythmically on her ribs to expel stale air. After a few times, Trix gasped and filled her lungs with air.

“Thank you, God.” Erin was so relieved that Trix could breathe. “I will take you to the Vet to make sure that your not broken anywhere. I love you.” She held Trix close as she trotted all the way to the car. “We will come back again when you are deemed okay.” She smiled as Trix turned around three times, sniffing the passenger seat, then laid down; Trix gave a sigh of satisfaction.

Fifteen minutes later, Erin carried a snoozing Trix into the Vet's. Holding her close, she explained what had happened.

“Weeelll,” The vet hummed as he calmed the frightened Trix; giving her a complete physical. Keep a watch on her breathing for a few days. She could have inhaled some dirty water or a foreign object that could cause pneumonia. If you hear any different noises when she takes a breath or exhales it, get her in quickly.” He set Trix on floor.

Trix happily sniffed around the office; squatting to leave her calling card in several places.

“I will listen closely. Could I give her a bath? She is redolent of that bad mud smell.”

“Yes, do that.” The Vet laughed as he patted Trix goodbye. “See you again at shot time.”
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This article has been read 1144 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
08/26/10
This is great. you added just enough details so that I felt like I really knew the characters. I was drawn right into the story.
AnneRene' Capp
08/27/10
This is a very "heart warming" story for anyone with a pet. You pulled me in immediately with the car swerving and had me holding MY BREATH for the MC while trying to free Trix!

Tidbit: It's okay to use contractions when writing such as I'll for I will, as most people don't say I will go to the store, but usually...I'll go to the store. (Learned this in Jan's grammar classes in the forums).:)
Verna Mull
08/27/10
Nice little story.
Hanne Moon 
08/29/10
This is a nice story that fits the topic well. You do a good job of showing, not telling.

Your dialogue is a little stilted, and you need to use more contractions. Also, pay attention to punctuation and capitalization rules. All in all, a nice challenge entry! :)
Amanda Brogan
08/30/10
Ahh! I love the atmosphere after the rain too! I could imagine running with the MC and her dog through the forest.

When you write a character's thoughts, it's helpful to put it in italics, so we know for sure that they're thinking and not talking. Other than a few other little grammer things, this was an excellent story! Especially good for a beginner piece.