The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
04/19/18
I can really identify with everything in your story. God is so gracious.
It is so important to remember to pray. Of course, God knows all of our needs, but communing with him helps in more than just the way we think. I garnered from your story, a lesson I've realized recently. When I pray for someone and see the results of prayers, it reminds and reassures me that God is here and listening. Often, the prayer ends up benefitting me way more than the person for whom I was praying. I really liked how you demonstrated that in your story.

You've a nice foundation in this story. In my opinion, however, you are doing more telling than showing. I'd encourage you to paint a picture with your words. For example, by adding body language, thoughts, and dialog, I might edit it like this:

"Grrr, uhg, oohhh." Yawning, I flung my arms out and stretched. As the cool air hit my face, I burrowed back under the covers, but that little voice in my head started chastising me. <i>Girl, time to get going. You have tons to do today. </i>Scowling, I yanked back the covers, groaned, and stretched again. I mumbled, "But I don't wanna get up. The bed is way too comfy." Finally, I forced my feet onto the floor and pushed myself out of bed. "Coffee. I need coffee."

I know I took too many liberties, but I wanted to show you what I meant. By doing something like this, I'm able to tighten it up by cutting out some unnecessary words. It also slows the pacing down a bit, making the reader almost feel that lazy feeling.(By putting so much information in, you make it almost a frenzied pacing.) Finally, it paints a picture for the reader.

Later on, you do a nice job with the dialog. I'd add even more speaking, especially when you mention the telephone call and even when you pray. I think you did okay with writing on topic. I like the angle you took with it. The message is wonderful. I think pretty much everyone can relate in one way or another. You also did a nice job of developing your MC. In the end, I felt like I had a good sense of her personality. I truly enjoyed this read and look forward to reading more of your stories.


With just a little work this could be a teaching or encouraging devotional. Get a good Bible verse to go along with it.

Keep enjoying your writing.
04/24/18
Such a great lesson here. Really enjoyed this piece. Just a few suggestions. Since we have the 750 word count limit, it's a good idea to get to the point. You could give yourself more words to work with if you shortened the getting up and getting going part. A few sentences are really long, and breaking them up would give greater impact. A few places you use the word decision a bunch of times.

Thank you for this reminder to trust God for our daily decisions!
04/26/18
You're on the right track; keep on writing!