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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Cross (as in the Cross of Christ) (08/17/06)
She wore a delicate one around her necklace. As I watched her stand in line at the bus stop, it often winked at me in the morning sunshine. Sometimes, I caught myself staring. Embarrassed, I counted the cracks in the sidewalk instead. Oh, she was different, and beautiful in a way I couldn’t explain.

As we rode to school, I sat in the back of the bus trying to figure out a way to start a conversation with her. Anyway that didn’t sound stupid would do, but I never could seem to find one. I felt so clumsy around her. Maybe she never even noticed me. Why should she? I was a lowly freshman and she was confident junior. Still, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. Her presence when walked by was incredible. I held my breath until she was at least five feet past my seat each morning.

Tomorrow would be different. I would force myself to look directly into her luscious, green eyes and talk. I would say something witty and she would smile back and then it would happen. We would actually have a conversation.

The next morning, instead of passing me by, she sat beside me on the bus. I knew this was my chance. Could I do it? I had to. Say something, anything, stupid. But the words stuck right there in the back of my throat. My whole body tensed up as though ready to scream…and yet not a sound did I utter. All I could do was sit there and stare at the cross around her neck. Oh, what a slender, smooth neck she had under that tiny, silver chain.

I clenched my eyelids tight. Stop staring, you fool! It’s only a necklace. Nothing special…or was it? She wore it everyday. Did it have more meaning than just to grace her lovely neck?

Sometimes, while I watched, she gently caressed the necklace between her thumb and first finger. I noticed she regarded her cross much more tenderly than the other pieces of jewelry I had seen on other girls. Maybe the cross’s sparkling centerpiece was a fine diamond and worth a bunch of money. But that really didn’t fit when I thought of the green-eyed girl.

There, she was doing it again. She was stoking the glistering, silver cross. Why? To torture me? Well, if so, it sure didn’t match the look on her face. But, nevertheless, she just kept touching her little pendant, over and over again.


Sheryce quietly prayed while she touched the cross around her neck. “Thank you, Lord, for helping me through another day in this new school. I sure do miss my parents and our home in Mississippi.” The delicate silver pendant was all she had left after the hurricane ripped through her town last year. My mother’s necklace was Sheryce’s constant reminder of God’s mercy and grace towards her. She prayed some more as she got off the bus amongst a sea of strange faces.
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This article has been read 828 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
c clemons
08/24/06
This started out pretty good but I think you lost your flow around paragrah 6. The second to last sentence about the centerpiece needs a rewrite to make sense. Also rewrite the last paragraph, you changed tense in that paragraph. "My mother" would infer the writer.
Kristi Wood
08/27/06
Nice article. Watch those tenses and point of view technicalilties. I sure wish I could believe the boys staring at my teenage daughters were noticing their eyes and their jewelry!
terri tiffany
08/30/06
What I like - I like the voice throughout. Very real and nice descriptive words. Showed his emotions well. I liked the content and idea you were trying to convey as well.

What I might change - the first sentence was unclear - maybe a typo. Definitely the ending needs work as it is unclear who you are talking about and it shifts in the paragaph.. I would try to rethink that whole part or have it come out about her life by something she says to the boy and his reaction maybe. Just a thought.
Overall - I think you did excellent for being in the beginners.