Faith

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What is that smell? I sit up on my bed in the darkness of my room feeling totally numb. I feel sick to my stomach, perhaps even on the verge of vomiting. Mentally my head is ablaze with varying thoughts like laser beams streaming from every side. My ears are hot and my head even hotter. Wait a minute, what is going on? Which day of the week is it? Why is my head pounding like it has just been knocked out in a fist fight? Hmm¡­ highly unlikely. My tummy is gnawing with such hunger it feels like its walls are being nibbled away by the giant monster of hunger. I really can¡¯t remember when last I had something to eat. What is there to vomit if there is nothing inside my stomach? It is as if there as an integral part of me that wishes that I could spew out the very life inside of me. Could it be¡­already? It must be¡­I remember now. It could be the darn Morning sickness that is making me feel this way. Who came up with the term anyway? morning sickness -it is just so corny. It¡¯s late in the heat of the night and yet I am having the darn morning sickness. Morning sickness at night! I still have my wrist watch on. I battle to look at it through the tiny light coming through from in between the curtains. It says 12h00 ¡­midday! I thought that it was late in the night, after all why is it so dark and why am I still in bed? I look again at my watch and now, more clearly it reads 12h35. Darn. I stand up and my foot kicks at some object in the dark that reverberates in sounds of cluttering. Where is the light switch? Which side of wall is the light ... Oh, I press against the switch and the light transmitted from the small bulb on the ceiling is enough to make me blind. If only I would go blind, I already feel like a zombie. Damn. I meet a sight of vegetables and rice scattered all over the floor. Go figure. No wonder I was battling to remember when last I had something to eat. The number of plates and bowls on my floor and side table testify to the fact that I have spent countless days not eating. The pills lying next to my lamp shade must have lulled me into the deepest sleep of my life. No wonder I feel as if I have just awoken from the dead. I am hungry, dizzy, emotional and in pain all at the same time. I¡¯m becoming conscious of the spasms in my tummy. They come sporadically in spurts and then retreat almost teasingly. He must be really hungry. Or is it a she? She must be really hungry. Gosh I still can¡¯t believe that there is a life inside of me! There¡¯s a life inside my body! I walk in a daze to my bed, indifferent to the fact that the sole of my foot is resting on a bed of lettuce, I really couldn¡¯t give a care in the world. I¡¯m afraid. "I am afraid" I say to myself, barely able to utter a whisper. ¡°God if I knew what you were thinking right now about me then I would feel better". At such a time, even if you were to come on me with your wrath I would rejoice, because I need to believe that you care for me. I feel the tears start to fall down my face and cascade on the temples of my cheeks and onto my lips. The saltiness of my tears seasons the hope that I feel burning like a flame deep, deep down in my soul. Every drop on my lips kisses the pain away. There is a life growing inside of me, inside my womb. A baby ... my baby. I can't accept this baby! I can't have a baby not in this period of my life. I am angry, angry at myself, angry at him for leaving sperm in my body , I am more angry at myself for allowing him to do so, I am angry because I am so afraid¡­ Perhaps if I was not a Believer then it would be easier, I would not condemn myself as much. Are you listening God? Do you know my pain and my struggles at such a time as this? I look around my bedroom and it is in a rumble, I don¡¯t look too good and I feel even worse. This bedroom, the many plates and cups on the floor, the rotten food with fungi, the clothes strewn across the dressing-table and even on my bed (gosh I slept on some of my clean laundry) and the dark shadows of my thick velvet curtains, are symbolic of how my soul is like at this time. I feel like this fear inside of me is pinning me down; I am dead inside like I¡¯ve gone into malfunctioning mode. The pills on my side table have failed to erase the fear of facing my current reality. I am afraid to face the truth because I¡¯m afraid that the truth will kill me. I will never be the same again! I know I am not the first young girl to have fallen pregnant. Slowly and reluctantly I kneel on the floor but I quickly stand up in pain. A piece of broken glass has just pierced into my skin, causing red to ooze out. I take the nearest piece of cloth and I wipe the blood ever so gently and lightly. It is at this time that I realize that I love myself and that I cherish the gift of life that I have been given. For a minute I feel faint, I really have to eat something for the sake of the baby. I smile. I hate myself for smiling. I feel a tingle of excitement at the thought of it. There is a life growing inside of me, a symbol of change but also a hallmark of new beginnings. After Steve and I had slept together the first thing I had done was pray. I asked for forgiveness and decided that I will not have sex until marriage furthermore asking God to give me the grace. Steve has been distant since and I fail to really understand why. It hurts so badly. Things will never be the same. To find out three weeks after that I was pregnant was like a blow to my face. It is another two weeks after the huge announcement and I am still living in a daze. I feel that it is really time to wake up and do something. I realize that I have been angry at God. I thought that because I had asked for forgiveness He would remove all the possible consequences of my sin. Now I realize that I cannot blame God. In fact the same God is the One who will restore me and lead me into a life of prosperity, despite all the mistakes. I bow my head and with tears welling up in my eyes start to pray:

My beloved Father
You have always loved me from the very start
You forgive all my sins and bless me
Forgive me for being angry at you
Let my heart be pure before you
Today I humble myself and pray
Lord I am afraid¡­so afraid
I am afraid of judgement, persecution and rejection
Strengthen me and protect me
Let your favour be with me at this time of need
Let your favour be with my baby
Help me to love those who persecute me
You are my Lord and my Salvation
You are my Advocate and my Helper
You are the One who restores my soul
There is no one else I will run to
Help me¡­Help me¡­help me Lord
In Jesus¡¯ name I pray
Amen

My face stings from the tears flowing from my eyes. But my heavy heart has grown so much lighter. I remember that the Bible says that those who dwell in the secret place of the Most high shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I wonder if Steve will be around for me and our baby. Somehow I doubt it. I wonder what my mom and dad will say or do. I know that there are many storms before me. I wonder how great the furore at the church will be once they come to know that I had sex and will now be bearing a child outside wedlock. I predict a lot of persecution from so many people. I do not have to wonder with God, His truth is never shaken. His Word is true and everlasting and His truth will set me free. My faith goes far beyond fears. I¡¯ll let the Truth of God give me complete liberty. Hmm¡­ here I am filled with hope, my faith becoming alive again when indeed I should feel like my life has ended. I know that God can strengthen me if I allow Him to, if I open the door for Him to enter in. My attitude in the last couple of days has been one that has shut the door tight. I think of my baby and for the first time I wonder what sex it might be. I wonder but this time it is with a smile. I open up my curtains and I turn off the light. The light from outside testifies that it is indeed a new day for me. I open up my door and I feel a wave of fresh air enter my nostrils. I can sense my heart opening its door wider and wider. I feel a song rising up from within my soul. A song of trust in God.


God is a God of second chances, and third chances, and fourth chances. God is a Father who forgives infinitely, never keeping a record of wrongs. He redeems to a place of grace abound and He restores the soul to a place of complete liberty. If only you just believe in Him and in His love and receive Him into yourself. When you come back to Him it does not matter what filth you have committed against Him, He will prepare a feast for you. It is His forgiveness and love that enables us because of its power, to forgive ourselves.

Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name;
You are Mine;
When you pass through the waters
I will be with you
Isaiah 43:1-2

For we are His workmanship, created in Jesus Christ for good works
Ephesians 2: 10

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness
I John 1: 9

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