Marriage

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"Nu*?"

"What,
My precious."

"Well?"

[GENTLE CHUCKLE.]
"Well,
what."

"WELL?
I'm WAITIN'!"

[CALM NOD.]

"Well....
what about ME?"

[SHAKE HEAD WITH
SUPREME AFFECTION.]

(Impatient squirm.)
(Cranky frown.)
"All these LADIES
I know, have gotten
MARRIED for a
second TIME!"

[SOLEMN NOD.]
"What of it,
Mein kinder."

"SO?"
(Kvetchy stare up at ceiling.)
"Why don't Ya FIND
somebody......for ME?"

[BIG SMILE!]
[THOUGHTFUL GAZE.]
"And, just what is
it you want,
My beloved?"

(Thoughtful squint.)
"Eh......well.....
let's see..."
(Tighter squint.)
(Purse lips in deeply.)
"Well.... it would
DEFINITELY have to
be a JEWISH guy. You
remember what happened,
that FIRST time around.
Oy vey es mir."

[PATIENT GAZE.]

"Yeah.....a Protestant/upper-middle-class/Republican
and Jewish/lower-middle-class/Democrat
definitely don't mix."
(Sigh.)
"And... it would be a plus,
if he loved all animals:
Ya know: didn't mind
fur around, and stuff.
(Pause.)
"Or, cats jumping up
on the counter."
(Thoughtful pause.)
"Or...eh,
the odd STRAY."

[CHUCKLE!]
[SOLEMN NOD.]
[SMILE!]

(Sigh.)
"And.....he would have to
be really a very DEEP person:
Ya know: since, I'm not
good-lookin', or thin,
or rich, or smart,
or anything."
(Thoughtful pause.)
"And, I don't do any
mountain climbing,
bowling, dodge-balling,
rafting, golfing,
jogging ('running'
for the serious joggers),
tree-climbing, hiking,
ice-skating, skiing,
boating, fishing,
boxing, karate-chopping,
kayaking, hunting**,
tennis, weight-lifting,
yahting (big-boating),
drag-racing, or....
eh, traveling around
the world."

[SOLEMN NOD.]

"ECH.
You know me,
and TRAVELING,
Lord."

[CALM NOD.]
"Yes,
My beloved."

(Grimmace!)
"All I do is throw-UP.
Remember that time,
I threw-up all over
that guy's SHOES?
REMEMBER?
He just happened to
be sitting NEXT to me
on the PLANE?
And, he had this real
expensive suit and
pair 'a SHOES on?"

[GENTLE CHUCKLE.]

"Boy, was I EMBARRASSED."

"I understand,
My beloved."

"It's a good thing
I never met a guy
who wanted to go
travel out in SPACE,
huh?"

[GAZE UPON
NE'RE-DO-WELL CHILD.]
[SOLEMN NOD.]

"Yeah.
(Grimmace!)
(Stick tongue out.)
(Squirm.)
Those planes
never did have
enough AIR bags.
Heck, the minute
they closed that
big door, and
started moving
down the runway...
I was a GONER."

[PATIENT SILENCE.]
[WATCH SOME SEAGULLS
FLYING OVER THE ATLANTIC
NEAR NEW JERSEY.]

"Yeah;
so, I guess marrying
a MISSIONARY would
be outta the picture,
HUH?"
(Squint.)
"Although....most
missionaries aren't
Jewish... ARE they?"

[CALM GAZE.
[WATCH A HERD OF BUFFALO
ON THE PLAINS OF NORTH DAKOTA.]
"No,
My beloved."

"Well....except
for Paul.
(Squint.)
But, he's a little
too OLD for me."

[LAUGH!]

"Plus, wasn't he,
like.... really into
BOATING?"

[CHUCKLE!]
"Not always,
My beloved."

"Yeah."
(Thoughtful remembering.)
"Man, that traveling was
.....a real TRIP."
(Grimmace!)
My face would turn
GREEN, and
that's all
she WROTE!"

[PATIENT NOD.]
[FORM A PRETTY CLOUD
OVER THE AUTUMN
AFTERNOON SKY OVER
NORTHERN MAINE.]

(Gaze at wall,
grimmacing
and remembering.)
"I never DID
make it up to see
those damn volcanoes,
on the BIG Island!
All the roads up there
were so WINDING!
I'd always have to jump outta
the car in the middle
of the TRIP!"

[PATIENT NOD.]
[GAZE AT A PAIR OF SWANS
GENTLY SKIMMING OVER THE
WATER AT A ZOO IN
SOUTHERN OHIO.]

(Gaze at the wall.)
(Sip some more rootbeer.)
"And, I like very INTELLIGENT
men: ones who are interested
in history, and know about the world,
and all."

[PATIENT NOD.]
"Yes, child.
[SMILE!]
"Go on."

"Did I say the part
about the ANIMALS?"

[PATIENT NOD.]
"Yes,
Mein kinder."

(Stare at the ceiling.)
(Chuckle!)
"And.....his sense of HUMOR
would have to be OFF the
WALL!"
(Smile!)
"I've met a lot of Christian people....
but, they're just so SERIOUS.
ECH!
No Jewish HUMOR!
What a SHAME!"

[GENTLE LAUGH.]

"Yeah; they can't JOKE
about You, at ALL!"

[SMILE!]

"It's a real DRAG!"

"I understand,
My beloved."

(Squint.)
"Ya DO?
That's WEIRD."

[LAUGH!]

(Thoughtful grimmace.)
"And, I don't like sports,
or anything, so THAT'S
out."

[NOD.]

"I mean, I live in
San Antonio, and I know
NOTHIN' about the
SPURS. Well......except
that, they're tall
and really rich."

[PATIENT GAZE.]
[NOD.]

"And, I don't really have
a favorite team: well, except for the
Phillies."

"I understand,
My beloved."

(Silence.)

[SILENCE.]

"And, my days of
cooking are GONE.
THAT'S an UNDERSTATEMENT.
Ya KNOW?"

[CHUCKLE.]

"So, HOW am
I gonna find somebody:
a nice Jewish guy....
just for ME?"

"Who AM I,
child?"

(Sip on some Walmart rootbeer.)
(Gaze at the pile of dishes
in the sink.)
(Listen to the radio playing
a Christmas song.)
"Eh..........
I dunno, Lord.
A Nice Jewish Guy?"

[BURST OUT LAUGHING!]
"I love you too,
child."
*************************
*It's a Yiddish expression.
Look it up. Hey, I'm still
tryin' to figure out the
Holy Spirit.
**Now, that's somethin'
to throw-up about!
YECH!

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