Humor

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You shall
therefore
keep
My statutes
and ordinances,
by doing which
a man shall live;
I am
the Lord.
[Leviticus 18:5]
***********************
(Yawn.)
(Pull covers up.)
(Cup hands around
head, on pillow.)
(Stare up at the
ceiling.)
"I figured somthin' out,
Lord."

[LISTENING.]

(Impatient glare!)
"How come You
never LISTEN
to ME?"

"I'm right Here,
kinder*."

"NO, YOU WEREN'T!"

[SMILE.]

"YOU WERE LISTENING
TO SOMEBODY ELSE!"

[CHUCKLE.]

"YEAH!
I BET THEY HAVE
BETTER PRAYERS,
THAN I DO!"

[GENTLE FROWN.]
"I am always
listening to you,
My child."

"UH UH!"

[SOLEMN NOD.]

"THAT'S NOT TRUE!"

"Hm, hm."

"NEAH UH!"

[SMILE!]

(Sigh.)
(Woeful frown.)
"Anyhow.......
Ya know,
I was thinking....."

[NOD.]
[WATCH SOME CHRISTMAS
LIGHTS ON A DARK STREET
IN PITTSBURGH.]

"Ya know what I THINK?"

"What,
My beloved."
[PATIENT GAZE.]

"I don't THINK
any of this Bible
is TRUE!"

[PATIENT NOD.]
[LISTEN TO THE
OCEAN FOAMING
AGAINST THE
BLACK SAND BEACH
ON THE BIG ISLAND
IN HAWAII**.]

"Aren't Ya gonna
ask WHY?"

[NOD.]

"WELL?"

[PATIENT NOD.]
[SOLEMN GAZE.]
[SMILE.]
"Why,
My child."

(Squinty frown
up at air vent.)
"Cuz, You
never mentioned:
BRUSHING YOUR
TEETH!"

[BURST OUT LAUGHING!]

"THAT'S why!"

[CHUCKLING.]
[STOOP TO PET A
PENGUIN WALKING
ALONG THE ANTARCTIC.]

"YEAH!
Remember, You gave
everybody all those
RULES, in LEVITICUS?"

[SOLEMN NOD.]
[PATIENT GAZE.]
[WATCH A LIGHT BLINK
OFF ON THE SPACE STATION.]

"WELL?"
(Peer crankily up at the
wall.)
"Ya never said anything
about brushing your
TEETH!"

[PATIENT SIGH.]

"I know they didn't
have TOOTHBRUSHES
in those days, but....."

"But what,
Mein kinder."

"But, why didn't
You tell 'em,
they had to CLEAN
their TEETH?"

[SILENCE.]

"WELL?"
(Yawn.)
(Pet purring cat.)
"See what I MEAN?
If Your Book was
TRUE......"

[PATIENT NOD.]
"Ah."
[GENTLE FROWN.]
"I see."

"Yeah, LORD!"
(Take glasses off.)
(Close eyes.)
"You would've told
Moses all these rules
about brushing your
TEETH!"

"Ah."

"SEE?"
(Nodding off.)
(Silence.)

[SILENCE.]

(Turn over on pillow.)
(Open eyes.)
"See what I MEAN?
There's not one word
in there, about makin'
people take care of
their TEETH!"

[NOD.]

"Not ONE WORD
about TEETH,
in the whole BIBLE!"

"You need to read
My Word,
My child."

(Nodding off, again.)
"Neah.....I can't stand
all that wordy stuff."

"Child?"

(Cranky squint.)
"WHAT?"

"You haven't
brushed your teeth,
Mein kinder."

(Curse.)
(Mumble.)
(Sigh.)

"Go."

(Grimmace!)
"Yeah,
yeah."
(Get out of bed.)
(Shuffle off to the bathroom.)

[SMILE!]
*************************
Remember...
your Creator...
before the
evil days come,
and the years
draw nigh...
and the
grinders cease
because
they are few.
[Ecclesiastes 12:1-3]
_________________________
*'kinder' is 'child'
in German. The author's
parents spoke Yiddish,
which is sort of like
German.
**According to the author,
the real first place of
the first rainbow. It
just had to be in
America.

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