The Word for Writers

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"NO, LORD!
ECH!
I H..A..T..E...!
HATE!
HATE.....
when people SAY THAT!"

[PATIENT SILENCE.]

"ECH!"

[SILENCE.]

"Where ARE Ya, Lord?
On PLUTO, again?"

[CHUCKLE.]

"Actually.....I think most
a' the time, You're out beyond
the MILKY Way.
Yeah.
But, sometimes, You wanna
check on what Earth is doin'.....
so, You hightail it back ta' PLUTO."

[PATIENT FROWN.]
"HighTAIL it,
little one?"

"Well, yeah."

[SOFT RUMBLE OFF IN THE DISTANCE.]

"What did I SAY, now?"

[RUMBLE.]

"WHAT?
(Puzzled squint up at ceiling.)
(Another very near-sighted-far-
sighted squint.)
That's just an expression,
LORD!
Ya know......like.........like,
eh.......Ya know: WHATEVER."

"Hm, hm."

"It's an AMERICAN expression."

[REPROVING NOD.]
"I see."

"What did I do NOW?"

[PATIENT PAUSE.]
"Child... you're standing on
Holy Ground."

"HUH?
No, I'm NOT."
(Pause, to take a squinty look
around dusty, fur-filled kitchen
linoleum, dotted here and there
with kitty litter gravel, spit
out pieces of kibble, and the
odd plastic ball spilling out
crunchy pieces of catnip.
There's also a couple of
dusty squeak mice: one has
an eye chewed off, and it's
tail has seen better days.)
"I'm sittin' at my COMPUTER!
On my BUTT!
And.....HEY!
My shoes ARE ALREADY OFF!
SO, THERE!"

[CHUCKLE.]
"When you SPEAK to Me,
My beloved?"

"WHAT?
I didn't say NOTHIN'!"

[PATIENT SILENCE.]

"What's wrong with
'HIGHTAIL IT'?
(Squint perplexidly.)
Maybe they didn't say
it back in Y'UR DAY!
But, that's a PERFECTLY
good EXPRESSION,
in the twenty-first
CENTURY!"

[PATIENT SIGH.]

"Can we get back to
MY ISSUE?"
(Grimmace up at ceiling fan.)
I had somethin' really IMPORTANT
to SAY, LoRD!

[PATIENT SMILE.]

"And, YOU got me
off TRACK!"

"WHO, child?"

"WHO?
What d'Ya mean, 'WHO'?
YOU WHO!"

[DEEP SIGH.]
"Oy vey."

(Laugh!)
"Hey, LORD?
Do Ya think the GAS PRICES
are gonna go UP, AGAIN?"

[SIGH.]

"WELL?
WHAT d'Ya THINK?"

[SILENCE.]

"What: are You off,
on PLUTO, AGAIN?"

[SMILE.]

"What d'Ya do:
ZIP back and FORTH?"

[LOVING GAZE.]
"I AM everywhere,
child."

(Faroff, near-sighted gaze.)
(Puzzled squint.)
(Adjust second pair of glasses:
the far-sighted ones.)
"I don't get that."

"I know,
My beloved."

(Scratch scruffy, not-yet
shampooed hair.)
"So, anyhow, like I was
saying........"

[CHUCKLE.]
"Yes, My beloved?"

"Eh......now, I forget what
I was sayin', again."
(Kvetchy glance up at ceiling.)
"That 'beloved' thing really
messes me up."

[BURST OUT LAUGHING!]

"Oh, yeah: about that therapy thing."
(Kvetchy frown.!)
See, I don't LIKE that.
(Make a face up at the air.)
I think that's too PATRONIZING.....
It's a real PUT-DOWN.
(Make a nauseated face.)
Ya know what I MEAN?"
(Grimmace!)
It's like.....they're just PATTIN' me
on the hand, and saying
'That's nice, dear.
Now.....Go and do some of your connect-
the-dot-painting-of-the-CLOWN
picture! It's so GOOD for you!'
(Grimmace.)
ECH!"

[LOVING GAZE.]
"I understand,
Mein kinder."

"Good; I'm glad You're not
like my FIRST husband;
he was always YELLIN' at me.
Ich."
(Grimmace!)
"A little cat fur on the floor,
and he'd go NUTS.
ICH!
I'm glad Y'ur not like that,
Lord."

[GENTLE SMILE.]

"Although, You have
Your shortcomings, too."

[GENTLE CHUCKLE.]

"But....like, my Mom used
to say: 'Nobody's perfect!'

[GENTLE SMILE.]
[GENTLE CHUCKLE.]
[NOD.]

"Well.
(Swallow saliva.)
I'm hungry now, Lord.
I better go get somethin'
to eat."

[GENTLE SMILE.]
"Yes, child."

"I'm glad we had this
little talk."

[SMILE.]
[GENTLE NOD.]

"I always feel a little better,
after we kibbitz, some."

[LOVING GAZE.]
"Yes, My beloved."
[WISE NOD.]
"I know."
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For He
will hide me
in His shelter
in the day of trouble;
He will conceal me
under the cover
of His tent...

And now my head
shall be lifted up
above my enemies
round about me;
I will offer
in His tent...
shouts of joy;
I will sing
and make melody
to the Lord.
[Psalms 27: 5-6]

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