Encouragement

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I am walking on the campus grounds with hordes of students milling around me, going this way and that : laughing and shouting. Scowling and frowning. In little clusters chatting about the latest fad and comparing notes. Exchanging anecdotes on life and intellectualising. Smoking, popping gum and letting out extreme guffaws. Nerdy types, serious types, the wild and the free. All sorts of young breeds around me. Walking, standing, posing, sitting. I walk through these throngs of little Einsteins, yet not quite there. It’s Monday. One of them days. I am in spiritual limbo because My Jesus spoke to me a few weeks ago about coming into His secret place as there is some business he needs to do with me.In me there is a mixture of emotions. Why me Lord? What do you want from me? I have had quite a year! I have suffered a lot. Strived too much. Endured intense spiritual warfare. I have even backslidden and come back. Dealt with a lot. And yes, I cannot deny that you are the one who has kept me, but can I not have a holiday? A holiday from life, from this whole Salvation business? Let me lie here a while and forget who I am. Please Lord, do not strike me dead. Have mercy on me. It’s just that I am weak and I have had quite enough. I know that you will reward me but God do not make me climb this mountain. I am lazy, tired and frustrated and I am yet to see the fruit of my labour. I appreciate that I am in You, I am blessed that I have known Christ. But today, let me lie down while you wait.

I am in my Literature class and the lesson on Henry James' autobiography is slowly lulling me to sleep. What a bore! I am sick of my life, I hate this class, and boy, oh boy I hate this lecturer. Lord, why am I studying this again? My life is a sham. A dead-end street. I am tired of pretending before you. Lord let me quit now. Anyway look at how I've been blaspheming you, hating you and accusing you. I'm not even sure if I'm remorseful right now. All I know is that I am in pain... I can’t help but let out my pain. So please...please Daddy please... let me lie down. Will you wait?

I am walking back home. Long distance. But I’ll much rather walk than take the bus today. I need some head space.Lucy what is wrong with you today... am I going insane? I have been foul the whole day through. I'm not in the mood for people.What am I to do... God? Am I still welcome to talk to you? Afterall, there is no one else to turn to. I ask this as I know that the meditations of my heart and mind have not honoured you…Jesus.I am overwhelmed at everything. It is hard to run this race.I sometimes wonder if I will ever make it. There is no desire in me to even try! You demand so much- cut out the TV,stop the socal visits one hour of my sleep- all to seek your face...I still desire You in my life. You and all of you. But I must confess that I am not willing to pay the price. But rather I feel like lying down...while you wait.

I am in my bedroom, head propped up against my headboard about to pray yet reluctant. Suddenly... a whimper from deep within my soul rises up and emerges as a funnelled cry from my lips.I cry. And I cry. And I cry. I cry a long, long time. I have no words just tears. Yet my soul is speaking much. Communicating itself in a cry. Finally. Silence. I hear myself speak. “Jesus, I am afraid. Jesus I am weak. Jesus I need you to help me. Deliver me from this pain. This walk is not easy.I am still hurt from all that I have endured in the past. I am unable to run ahead because the burdens of yesterday are still confounding my soul. Please Lord give me rest. I need rest.I need your refreshing. Help me to forget the past and look ahead. Give me that living hope. Help my mind. Renew it... Thank you Daday. Thank you that I don’t need to do anything to earn your love. You love me just as I am. What a joy that I can be all that I am before you. All because of your Son and the blood He has shed for me. Wow... Sometimes I get shocked to witness my own my heart most especially when it is full of rebellion. You have been so patient with me- My Alpha and Omega, Magnificent God.I love you and want your perfect will in my life. Jesus, it is hard for me to let go of all that I should. Will you help me today? Have mercy on me Lord. Grant me the strength to seek your face. I will lie in wait for you. Yes my Lord, I WILL wait .And I know that you’ll carry me on your wings and mount me up to a higher glory…Yes Lord I will wait. I will wait. I will wait. I will...


Cursed is the man who trusts in man
And makes flesh his strength,
Whose heart departs from God?
…Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
And whose hope is the Lord ? ( Jer 17 vs 5-7)

" From the end of the earth I will cry to you,
When my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to a rock that is higher than I" ( Psalm 61 vs 2)


And so I testify (written by Lerato Sibanda)

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