Christian Living

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The Conversation

I ‘m a: Fake, Sham, Travesty, Mockery, Farce, and Imitation.

These words describe how I feel, right at this point in my life.
Things are not working out the way I expected. Here I am, at church again. I am sitting in my seat, on the fourth row. God, does anyone see me? Does anyone know how deep the pain is inside? My heart is about to jump out of my chest. I wonder does this man beside me know what’s going on. It’s not that I’m not born again, but I’m heavy. I’m tired. I’m restless!

I’m about to throw in the towel, but I’ve got to maintain because I have to teach Sunday school this week. If they only knew. If they could only see that I’m not really standing, but on my knees. I’m crawling and gasping for air, every step of the way. How could I be here, I’m supposed to be the strong one.
The sturdy one. The counselor. The dependable one. The loyal one!

God where are you? You said you would never leave me or forsake me. I have to say you seem so far away. Don’t you know that this hurts? It hurts really bad. Growth: Emergence- the gradual beginning or coming forth. Someone said this to me the other day. What?
You mean for me to grow into what you want, my husband has to leave me. My house is in foreclosure and I only have $30 to my name. Is this growth? Is this supposed to make me stronger? Yeah, I’ve taught that lesson before, but never had to live it.

Wow, someone paid for my lunch yesterday. It was only $4. They have no idea that I only had $6 dollars in my pocket. I was contemplating if I was going to put gas in my car or feed my growling stomach. I said thank you, but I really wanted to kiss that lady! God, you’ve answered my prayers again. I can eat and put gas in my car! I remember; I used to have the ability to fill someone else’s car with gas. I haven’t filled my tank in a year.

Once again, I am holding on for the sake of my daughter. She has no idea that I don’t have money to buy her clothes for school or a double cheeseburger from McDonalds. God, he doesn’t even care if we starve or walk. He’s with them again, his mistress and his business.
I can’t take it anymore! I guess I should live what I preach. Trust. Trust in you as Jehovah God, my provider. The preacher says turn to Psalms 91.
You who sit down in the High God's presence, spend the night in Shaddai's shadow,
Say this: "God, you're my refuge.
I trust in you and I'm safe!"
That's right—he rescues you from hidden traps,
shields you from deadly hazards.
His huge outstretched arms protect you—
under them you're perfectly safe;
his arms fend off all harm.
Fear nothing—not wild wolves in the night,
not flying arrows in the day,
not disease that prowls through the darkness,
not disaster that erupts at high noon.
Even though others succumb all around,
drop like flies right and left,
no harm will even graze you.
You'll stand untouched, watch it all from a distance,
watch the wicked turn into corpses.
Yes, because God's your refuge,
the High God your very own home,
Evil can't get close to you,
harm can't get through the door.
He ordered his angels
to guard you wherever you go.
If you stumble, they'll catch you;
their job is to keep you from falling.
You'll walk unharmed among lions and snakes,
and kick young lions and serpents from the path.

If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God,
"I'll get you out of any trouble.
I'll give you the best of care
if you'll only get to know and trust me.
Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I'll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I'll give you a long life;
give you a long drink of salvation!"
-The Message

Tears are running down my face. As I’m sitting here, I can see your arms wide open. You beckon me to come and give it to you. I hear you say, “Rest in me.” I open my eyes and realize I’m on my knees, at the altar.
Whew, the mask’s off!

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