Marriage

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CONFRONTATION WITH MY WIFE

The past five years I have avoided arguments, fights and strife in my marital environment, by keeping silent. Years ago I would argue my points of view to the end, with no mutual agreement ever materializing. While I am first to admit I was the problem in the past, due to my rambunctious lifestyle and values. All the blame is not mine. Incidentally, my past actions of distrust, lying, cheating, mismanaging money and irrational thinking disabled me to make sound judgments that benefited my family as a whole. A defense mechanism seems to reoccur upon alienation and denial instituted by my wife, caution, “Lord be with me”. My solution to curbing and altering my ways of erratic behavior has been successful, by the saving grace of God and joining the Army, which developed stronger morals and controls on my precariously haphazard lifestyle. Through years of pondering where I went wrong, communicating seems to be the greatest insight in my continuous remake and correction of who I am and who I would like to be.

There are always emotional feelings that come between two people when communicating: noise, body signals and past experiences have a tendency of prejudicing or making one of the two parties bias. Dear God, what can I do, but suffer, from my past mistakes. The sensory world in my case gives my communication different meanings and past conversations and adverse actions are stored in my wife’s permanent memory, thus every time I attempt to communicate I am slapped in the face with my mistakes of years ago. The value of listening is critical in allowing and enabling channels of communication to remain open. In listening I, can make a difference at my level, however my wife can only alter her methods of communication if she wishes to. So my emphasis on developing communication will cover those areas I can control.

First, listening, I will improve my listening by:
1. Stop talking, before I can listen.
2. Put the talker at ease.
3. Show the talker you want to listen, look and act interested.
4. Remove distractions, phones, television etc.
5. Empathize with the talker, something I find very difficult especially when I am angry.
6. Be patient.
7. Hold my temper, walk away if needed.
8. Go easy on arguments and criticism.
9. Ask questions.
10. Stop talking.

The problem is my inability to communicate feelings and indifferences to the one I love after 16 years of marriage. What my wife and I have is basically a living arrangement where we sleep together, consummate to have children, share financial burdens, rear children in the fear of the Lord, project a union of family togetherness, strive for goals of salvation and career success. What I want is to be able to positively and sincerely share thoughts, values and objectives I have perceived on a day-to-day basis.

My objective for solving my problem is by rational and effective listening and marketing the communication needs, desires and compromises I am willing to endure to enhanced a loving environment and facilitate a caring honesty to my wife. I plan to do this by an intense, but unpretentious campaign of love and devotion. The day after finals, December of 1990, I will begin by buying a flower, and increase the amount of flowers by one, until January 7, 1991, (which happens to be her birthday). Each day I will select various types and colors of flowers. Next, I will mail her a letter or card expressing my love and to communicate the desire for a meeting on January 7, 1991. In addition, I will do the household chores that she fusses about and leave little post-it notes, with love. Not to forget, leaving a personal message on the answering machine each day. Upon meeting with her, I will make reservations at her favorite hotel and dinner at the restaurant where I proposed. My attempt to exhaust all available means of communication to say and show how much I love her will either open the lines of communication extensively or bust, but she’s worth the try!

Then I will shut up and listen to what she has to say and respond to her needs and desires. My statement to her when she asks what’s it all about will be. “Can we compromise and meet each others needs half way. I will also send a copy of this report to my mom, my mother-in-law, and maybe Readers Digest or Ebony. (If it works), they will be my expert witnesses to verify whether I implement the plan and its success or failure.

I have five solutions, which I weighed my criteria on. Whether my plan meets the needs of, God, my wife, my family, my self, and society. In the Bible, God says through the inspiration of man that marriage is a, lifetime commitment and only death of your spouse can justify separation or divorce. If you love your wife as yourself how can you divorce yourself and secondly, God created woman for man. Why do we as society misconstrue Gods’ desires and change the singular woman to plural women likewise man to men. Our generation is under the conception that you can change mates like used cars. Remember, someone’s used car is traded in because of shortcomings. When you look around trying to match up a new mate it comes equipped with, an all-new set of hang-ups and idiosyncrasies. At least you are familiar and accustomed to the ones you are presently attached to.

My next criteria, is that of my needs. Someone once said,” you wouldn’t know what’s good for you if it slapped you in the face”. I thought getting married at 19 was the answer to romance, beginning a family, rearing children, one thing for sure I found the one I wanted to be with for the rest of my life here on earth. Yet, given the chance to go back and do it all over again, as a man and equal partner in a relationship. I feel now that going to college and/or the military to develop ones ideals and values before entering into a lifetime commitment would contribute necessary tools to aid and enrich the marital union during rough times. However, “the Lord is my shepherd.” He enriched my soul and spirit to develop values and goals necessary in sustaining the holy institution of marriage.



My wife is a jewel, and I take her Einstein ability to manage for granted. She manages the budget, the children and me. And while she can never forget the wrongs I did in our relationship. She has forgiven me, with the Lords help. If it weren’t for the Lord we probably would have succumbed to another statistic of divorce and wonderment that has affected so many relationships today. I thank the Lord and her, yet expressing these thanks to someone you have wronged is difficult. Guilt has no flavor or fragrance and a wound will heal but the scar will remain, to remind you. Since our reaffirmation of marital vows in the Lord, and addition of two more children, to add to our quiver, we have developed a silent communication of seeing to one another’s needs. Though we are still working on a more open dialogue. I think my plan of attack is similar to a marketing plan, and I almost opt to putting it in to affect now. But at year-end, school will be out. Not to mention a 64% total weighted average, to leave the situation alone.

Lastly, meeting societies needs whom really cares? Well, God, my parents, my family and those who look to me, as a positive role model care. The average black family in today’s’ society are broken, by crime, divorce and drugs. My impact, while only minuscule, is at best unknown, yet if I tell two friends, and they tell two friends and so on. It can make all the difference in the world.

Note:

This was written 13 years ago and while the road has been rough, we are still together. This article is to encourage other couples struggling to make better choices and do the right things, but most of all to rely on God, He does work it out, even when life seems hopeless. I am currently studying to be a minister, a soldier and a hotel executive besides being a husband and father. Grace is to God.

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