Christian Living

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A Dark Time

How and when did you learn about your cancer?
I didn't learn I had breast cancer until November 2005, although I had been having problems with my breast since 2000, when I noticed a lump.
I have always had a close relationship with Jesus and when I first starting having problems with my breast I was scared that it might be cancer and I prayed about it.
He never told me it wasn't cancer. I guess I just assumed it wasn't. He told me all along that He was going to heal me so I didn't worry.
I often asked when He was going to heal me but He never said.
He just said to trust Him. So I did, even when my breast kept getting worse.
Pretty soon I couldn't see my nipple anymore. It slowly disappeared.
Then my breast started bleeding so I had to wear a pad so it wouldn't bleed through my clothes.
I was scared but I trusted God. I just knew somehow he was going to work something out.
The years went by and I had moved from Arizona to Coeur d Alene, Idaho to be near my kids.
Four years went by and then 5. I noticed I tired easily and I had this smell. I was embarrassed to be around people for fear they would notice. But, I was still trusting the Lord.
I couldn't think about it. I forced myself not to. I just went on.
I can't really blame it on God. It was really my own fault. The reason I didn't do anything when I first noticed the lump is because I was afraid. I did tell all my children about the lump and they all said I should get to a Dr.
But I didn't have any money. I didn't have medical insurance. I was a widow, and alone. It was such a scary thing to go through by myself. I wasn't used to going to Drs. I had always been healthy and only went to the Dr. when I absolutely had to.
But God was with was with me in the fear. I did trust that He was going to work something out because He always had before. I knew He wouldn't fail me this time. And the way He did it was a complete surprise.
I was finally backed into a corner and forced to do something. And I can be grateful for the day that my youngest son sensed something was wrong with me and questioned me. And then for the first time I was able to talk about my problem. And my son's reply was, "Mom, do something, or else".
So, the very next day I made an appointment at the Dirne Clinic in Coeur d Alene.
By the time I finally went to the Dr. my breast was in really sad shape. The cancer had eaten away most of it. My nipple was gone and all that was left was a raw, open, wound.
Strangely, I didn't realize the probability that it could be cancer, not until I heard the Dr. affirm to her nurse as they both observed my breast..."it is obviously cancer".
I didn't expect that. I was totally stunned. Never in a million years did I think that God would allow me to have cancer, which was silly of me.
I was so embarrassed to have anyone see my breast and I fully expected to be reprimanded for allowing it to go for so long. And I wouldn't have blamed them. I would have wondered myself if I had been in their shoes. There was nothing I could say that could explain what I had done. I couldn't explain it myself. But I wasn't reprimanded. No one said a thing. In fact everyone was so kind to me. I never knew people could be so kind when I really didn't feel I deserved anything. I was so grateful that they were.
My cancer Dr. didn't seem surprised at all. He merely stated that I wasn't the first patient he had seen who had waited a long time before having anything done. Mine hadn't been the first breast he had seen in this condition.
At that time I had my own housecleaning service and was living on a widows social security. I had to make a decision and quick. I had to quit working immediately because I was scheduled for my first Chemotherapy treatment in two weeks. So, I gave all my people notice. They were all very understanding and sad for me. Not working reduced my income a lot so that meant I had to live solely on my social security. That meant I couldn't afford my apartment anymore. So I had to move to low income housing. I couldn't find anything in Coeur d Alene but I did in Post Falls three miles away.In two weeks time I had moved out of my apartment into a low income senior citizen apartment complex. My journey had begun.
What types of treatment(s) have occurred?
Because the cancer in my breast was so advanced I was started on Chemotherapy promptly. My first treatment was December 16, 2005 and it continued until June. My cancer Dr. was totally amazed and awed at my progress each time he saw me. I didn't know it at the time but his prognosis for my survival at first was very grim. So I knew and he agreed that it had to be a miracle that I was recovering so quickly. On April 18, 2005 my breast was removed.
What have been the most important things that have helped you through your survivorship?
First of all I have to say that it was my relationship with Jesus Christ that stabilized and kept me focused throughout the whole ordeal. And the kindness and compassion he showed me through all the nurses, Drs., my friends, my children and my sister helped me through all my recovery and going through the dark times.
What have you learned from your experiences that you would like to share? I have compassion for people who have cancer or are sick. I understand what I didn't understand before I had cancer.
Are there positive experiences you would like to share?
Even though it was such a dark time for me I did learn a great deal. I have always been very healthy and I learned that good health is a gift. I learned what it was like to be sick and tired and weak. I learned how humbling it is to loose all your hair. I learned how kind people are when they know you have cancer. I learned that when I see a woman wearing a scarf around her head and has a look of suffering in her eyes she probably has cancer and is going through Chemotherapy.
What else would you like to tell us?
It is good to talk about it. Now that I am passed it and can look back at how bleak it seemed at the time, even though I had the faith that I was going to be all right, it was still hard to be sick and be confined most of the time to my apartment and be alone. It was very hard.
The good news is that I am totally free of cancer. I didn't mention that I had a few spots on my lung and they are gone also. It didn't spread to any other part of my body, which is a miracle. I have my hair back. It came in curly which was so nice and easy to take care of. I hoped the curls would stay but they didn't so now it has reverted back to it's original straightness. I am living a rich full life and I am expecting a lot more. God has promised me much more and I am just waiting for it to happen.

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