Humor

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Terah took Abram
his son
and Lot
the son of Haran,
his grandson,
and Sarai
his daughter-in-law,
his son Abram's wife,
and they went...from Ur
of the Chaldeans
to go into the land of Canaan.....
[Genesis 11:31-32]
***************************
(Abram is out yonder,
in the north 40 of his
father's land. For some
reason, he feels like taking
a long walk this afternoon,
which is unusual, since
his feet ache whenever
he walks just a few
yards from his tent,
and he can't see 6 inches
in front of his face.
But... he's making the
best of it, by
moaning, and
squinting a lot.)
__________
"ABRAM!"

"Lot? Is that YOU?
Hey! Didn't I tell
you to go get those
CAMELS watered?"

"No, Abram.
It is not your nephew.
It's Me, your Lord."

(Abram turns around
in a circle, squinting
in the late afternoon
sun. He doesn't see
the scraggly tree stump,
right under his bearded
chin, and stubs one of
his big toes.)
"OUCH!
HEY!
QUIT it, Lot!
I swear, one 'a these DAYS.....!"

"Abram, please.
Calm down.
Listen to Me."

(Abram abruptly sits
down, on the nearest
rock, to take off
his Chaldean made sandal,
and message
his throbbing toe.
After a thoughtful
pause, he rubs his
painful arch, as well.)
"Who IS that?
Come on!
QUIT it!
I came out here,
to be ALONE today!
Man, I can't get a
moment's PEACE!
DARN'IT!"

[PATIENT SILENCE.]
"Abram, your eye sight's
never been too good.
You shouldn't go
wandering off, alone."

"Hey! My eyesight's
FINE!"
(Abram squints up at the
sky, though he can't
figure out why.)

"Uh uh.
You have something
called pathogenic myopia."

"I have WHAT?
Who IS that, anyway?"

"It's your Lord,
Abram.
[PAUSE.]
You're very nearsighted;
don't worry about it.
You just need to stay
closer to your tent...
[SIGH.]
particularly around dinner
time."

"Lord?
Is that YOU, Lord?"

"Yes, My Abram."

"What'd You say, Lord?
What's this thing I GOT?"

"You got bad eyes.
[SORROWFUL FROWN.]
your whole family does.
Not to mention the flat feet.
[SHRUG.]
But.........you'll live."

"Thanks for tellin me,
Lord! Well, as You
said, I best be gettin'
back, now!"

[OMINOUS PAUSE.]
"Not so fast, My Abram.
I need you to sit down,
again: on that rock.
I got something to
talk to you about."

(Abram shakes his
head, and squints,
looking for the rock
again, so he can sit back down.)
"So, eh.....what's this ABOUT, Lord?
Sarai's gonna have supper
waitin'!"

[NOD.]
"Yes, I know.
She's cooking lambstew,
tonight. I can smell
it, from Here."

"REALLY?
Hey! That's pretty GOOD!
How'd Ya DO that?"

[PATIENT SIGH.]
"Because, I'm the Lord,
Abram. Now: listen carefully."

(Abram squints a bit, and
then finds his forgotten
sandal, right next to the big rock.)
"Okay, Lord.
But, I hope this isn't gonna
take too long; I'm HUNGRY!"

[NOD.]
"I understand, My child.
But, I have a new Project
for you."

"What's that, Lord;
You want me to put
some of my CAMELS,
out here?"

"No, Abram.
Leave your camels be;
they have a long trip
ahead of them."

(Squint up at the sky,
some more. A bird flies
over, and drops something
very wet,
on his left shoulder.)
"WHY, Lord?
I don't UNDERSTAND?
(Pause.)
Hey, LORD?
Can You tell Your birds
to go someplace ELSE?"

"No, child.
[VERY PATIENT SIGH.]
Don't worry about My birds.
Now, LISTEN!"

"WHAT, Lord?
This sounds really IMPORTANT!
Should I go get LOT?"

"No.
You can tell him, later.
Now, listen to Me:
I've decided to make
you Jewish."

"Make me WHAT, Lord?
What are Ya gonna do
to ME?"

"Choose you, Abram;
to be a Jewish person."

(Squint.)
(Frown.)
(Tries to rub away the
bird poop, from his
once-just-dusty robe.)
"Never heard of it, Lord.
What's a 'Jewish',
anyway: some sort'a new
JOB? Does It require
good EYESIGHT?"

[NOD.]
"In some ways: yes.
But, I will be There,
to help you see."

"Yeah. Okay.
I guess, Lord.
(Squeamish frown.)
But.....why ME?
Can't Ya find somebody ELSE,
to DO it?"

[DEEP FROWN.]
"No.
Absolutely not.
You're My chosen one,
Abram."

"Eh......yeah. Sure, Lord.
(Yawn.)
(Scratch the shoulder
with the wet poop on it.)
So.....eh, what do I gotta
DO, for this JEWISH job?"

"That is a very good question,
My child.
[OMINOUS PAUSE.]
First, though.........
We have to get you circumcised."

"Oy vey.
I don't like the sound of
THIS."

[SMILE.]
[NOD.]

"Yeah, but.....LORD!
What about them' Gentiles,
over that side of the HILL?
Can't Ya pick THEM,
for this new job 'a YOURS?"

"Hm..........No.
I've got another Project,
lined up for them."
*************************
And the Lord
said to Abram,
Go from your country
and your kindred
and your father's
house to the land
that I will show you.
And I will make you
a great nation.......
[Genesis 12:1-2]

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