Bible Studies

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Bring no more vain
offerings;
incense is an abomination to Me.
New moon and sabbath
and the calling of assemblies -
I cannot endure iniquity.....
Your new moons and ...
appointed feasts
My soul hates;
they have become
a burden to Me.
[Isaiah 1:13-14]
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"Lord, when am I gonna
get a Bible study on
JONAH?"

[CHUCKLE.]

"That's my favorite Book
a' Yours!"

[NOD.]
"Why, child."

"Well, for one thing,
it's SHORT."

[PATIENT NOD.]

"The other thing, it's
real definite in its
geography. I even
found out where
TARSHISH is!"

"Where is it, child?"

"Spain!"

[NOD.]

"When I was over there,
Lord, I saw the tomb
of Christopher Columbus."

[NOD.]

"Yeah. I thought that was neat.
But, anyhow.....this Isaiah of
Yours is real MOROSE!"

"Of Mine, child?"

"Well.
Yeah, Lord.
You WROTE It!"

"No, child.
It is yours."

"Uh uh.
Ain't my style, Lord.
There would definitely
be some humor in it.
Don't You remember
what Shakespeare said,
about need for COMIC
RELIEF?"

[LAUGH!]
"Look, child!"

"Where.....in ISAIAH?
WHERE?
I don't SEE it!"

"You haven't finished it,
Mein kinder."

"Uh uh, Lord.
Remember?
I told You, we're
only on chapter SIX!"

[PATIENT SILENCE.]

"I HAVE read a lot of it!
Bits and PIECES!"

"Not enough, child."

"Well, I'm sorry, Lord.
But, I've got a kvetch
about It."

"What now.......
My beloved."

"Well, first of all......
how come, in all Your
Books, the children
of Israel are always
gettin' bad-MOUTHED?"

[INFINITE PATIENT OF A FATHER.]

"Huh? I don't GET it?
I mean, every other
page I flip to, the
children of Israel
are either:

grumbling (nasty kvetching)
sinning (making strange fires)
rebelling (i.e. Golden Calf Incident)
backsliding (following the heathen)
revolting (i.e. Golden Calf/partying)
murmuring (plain kvetching)
gossiping (kibbitzing)
woe-is-me-ing (kvetching/sighing)
gettin' smacked upside the head
gettin' dragged to the woodshed
gettin' dragged to Babylon
havin' their temples destroyed
bein' scattered to here and high yonder
bein' reduced to the size of 144,000
gettin' all sorts 'a curses, plagues,
and what-have-you.

I don't count the Garden of Eden
incident in there, Lord."

"Ah.
Yes, child."

"You know I don't
think they were Jewish."

[PATIENT NOD.]

"SO?
What d'Ya have to SAY
about it, LORD?
HUH?
How come Y'ur always
makin' the JEWS
look so BAD?"

"What have I told you,
My precious?"

"Eh.....that......eh,
I shouldn't WORRY about
the upcoming ELECTIONS?"

"No, My child.
Not about that."

"Eh......that, Pluto is a
wonderful CREATION,
even though it's been
DOWNSIZED to just
a DWARF planet?"

[PATIENT SILENCE.]

"Eh......that, when I talk
to You, I shouldn't keep
lookin' up at the air
conditioning VENT?"

[SMILE.]
"No."

"Uh, that......uh, I shouldn't
be so upset about Your
stop being Kosher, in the
New TESTAMENT?"

[OY VEY.]

"Uh, that I need to take
better care of my TEETH?"

"Yes, that.
But, what is the most
important thing, child?"

(squint)
(more squinting)
(thinking very hard)
(sip a' A & W rootbeer: the
real thing - not that vanilla stuff
I accidentally bought, a
couple weeks ago.)
".......hm......never, ever, ever
.....pick an apple off a TREE,
no matter WHAT?"

[INFINITISMAL PATIENT SILENCE.]

"Well, LORD!
That IS, like, on the
first PAGE of Your BOOK!"

[PATIENT SIGH.]
"Tell Me, child."

"Well.......that the children of Israel
were Your CHOSEN ones,
and that You LOVE them?"

[SLOW NOD.]

"Okay, Lord.
Okay.
I guess so."

"I love you, child."

"Yeah.
(look up at the air conditioning vent.)
(kvetchy sigh)
I guess..........."

[SILENCE.]

"Lord?"

"What is it, child?"

"I love You, too."

[SILENCE.]
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Come now,
let us reason together,
says the Lord;
though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow.
[Isaiah 1:18]

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