Women

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I hate divorce,
says the Lord
God of Israel.
[Malachi 2:16]
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"Lord?"

[SILENCE.]

"LORD!
WHAT?
What did I do NOW?"

[SILENCE.]

"I must'a done something.
Aw, come on. I just woke up!
Gimme' a break!"

"Who AM I, child?"

"Oy! With these RIDDLES!"

[CHUCKLE.]

"Eh......(yawn) .....the One
Who invented MARRIAGE?"

[LAUGH!]

"Yeah, I'd laugh too, Lord.
Oy vey!
THAT was some INVENTION!"

[PATIENT SILENCE.]

"To be honest, Lord,
I think that was one Creation
You should've just left
on the potting wheel.
(thoughtful silence)
Maybe, You could've
slopped it back together,
and used it to make somethin' else:
like, another species of snake,
or perhaps, one 'a those pirana."

[FROWN.]
"Tell Me why, child."

"Oy, please, Lord!
Do I have to get STARTED?
Neah; it's too early in the
morning. It's my day off;
I wanna' go back to sleep."

"I am here."

"Oy, LORD!
Once I start talkin' to You,
I can't get back to SLEEP!"

[NOD.]

(roll over a couple times)
(throw bed cover over head)
(peak out to see if God is
still there)
"WHAT?
What d'Ya want me to SAY?"

"I love you, child."

"Yeah, well.......Lord,
'Ya know, sometimes,
You have an odd way of
showing Your love!"

"Yes, I do."

(throw back covers)
(sit up a bit)
(yawn)
"Lord, 'Ya know, I just
can't understand these
ladies who wann'a get
MARRIED, again!
What, are they
CRAZY?"

"Perhaps, little one."

"'Ya know, I can understand
the first time. But, oy vey!
Maybe, the divorce was too
much for them, and they
just lost their minds...or
their intelligence, or BOTH."

[PATIENT NOD.]
"Loneliness, child?"

"Ech. Please.
So, why don't they just pick out
a goldfish, at the pet department
at Walmart?
It would be a lot cheaper,
and once they got tired of him,
they could just flush him down
the toilet. No attorney's fees,
or nothin'."

[LAUGH!]

"How about a he-goat, Lord?
They could stick in their
backyard, and watch it poop
all over the place. Then,
when they get sick of cleaning
up after all his stinky poop,
they could just open the gate,
slap him on the smelly rump,
and say 'Go!' - just like the
children of Israel used to
do with that scapegoat."

[PATIENT, SOLEMN NOD.]

"Or, say, if they are REALLY
lonely, and the nights get
too long for them, maybe
they could buy a bat.
Bats love the night,
don't they, Lord?
Wouldn't it be cute,
to have a little picture of him,
with that face and those ears,
on their BEDSTAND?
(thoughtful silence)
Well, I quess they'd have to be
real careful about buying the
right one. After all, it
might end up being a vampire
bat.....and remind them, a little
too squeamishly, of their
first 'Charlie', 'Pete', or 'Bob'."

[STERN FROWN.]

(smile. laugh!)
"Better yet, Lord,
they could get a big tank,
and put a rattlesnake in it.
They could name it,
'Joe', 'Harry', or 'Arnold',
after their ex. That way,
They'd have a constant
reminder of their first,
or second husband: fangs,
and all."

"You don't mean that, child."

"Oh, YEAH?
Actually, I think that's
a good idea.
(thoughtful silence)
Neah.........my kitties might
get the top off the tank,
and then, I'd have a
REAL bru-ha-ha on my
hands."

[SOLEMN NOD.]

"Anyhow, Lord.......
the way I look at it,
marriage is a lot like
climbing Mt. Everest."

"You're trying to make
Me laugh, child."

"Yeah, of course, Lord!
I think everybody talks
too serious to you, most
a' the time."

[PATIENT NOD.]
"Go on, Mein kinder."

"I am right, You know.
Marriage is just like
climbing to Mt. Everest:
once you've actually done it,
and survived all the frostbite,
pulmo-epidemia, or whatever that
malady is 'ya get up there,
Lord only knows you ain't
gonna try it, AGAIN!"

"You would be surprised,
My child."

"No, Lord. I wouldn't.
After goin' on 52 years,
on Your earth, Lord,
I don't think ANYTHING
would surprise me."

[PATIENT NOD.
SMILE.]
"Just wait, child!
Just wait."
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So take heed to yourselves,
and let none be faithless
to the wife of his youth.
[Malachi 2:15]

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