Book Reviews

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[Author's note: when I get real upset
about something, my Yiddish tends to
POP up. 'Shannen punum' sort'a means
'what's with the bad face?'. God Bless,
and remember, always, ALWAYS have some
thermal underwear on - just in CASE!]


....I looked, and lo...
in Heaven an open door!
And the first voice, which I
had heard speaking to me
like a trumpet,
said, "Come up hither,
and I will show you what
must take place after this.
[Revelation 4:1]
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"LORD! LORD!"

"What it is, mein kinderlah?"

"Oy vey es mir!
What didn't You TELL me, Lord?"

"What, mein kinderlah."

"About THIS! THIS!"

"Nu?"

"THIS, Lord! Oy vey!"

"Calm down, child.
Why z'shannen punum?"

"OY! What a STORY! Oy!"

"It IS, child."

"No! No! Not YOURS, Lord!
THIS one! What's with the
NAKEDNESS?"

"Where, My precious?"

"In this BOOK!
No......not YOUR book - this
other guy's......I forget....."

"Ah, yes."

"OY VEY! What's with
the nakedness, Lord?
PLEASE! Have MERCY!
PLEASE! NO! NO!"

[LAUGH.]

"Oy, mein goht! No! No!"

[SMILE.]
"Don't fret, My child."

"OY! But, I AM fretting, Lord!
Why must we all be taken
without our CLOTHES on?
OY! What were You THINKING?
OY VEY!"

[LAUGH.]

"Please, Lord: have a little
class, here. Please......when the
time is nigh, and You DO call
for us to come to You in the sky,
PLEASE LORD, let us keep our
clothes on!"

[LAUGH. NOD.]
"I'll think about it, child."

"Oy vey es mir. Mein goht,
please have mercy. I just
couldn't b-a-r-e it! Oy!"

[SMILE.]

"Hey! Lord! I made a ryhme,
AND a pun, in the same ditty!
Wow! And, all before 9 in the
morning! Darn! It must be
that book!"

"Nu? So, TELL Me?"

"Well........I got through the first
2 chapters. After that, I had
had about enough. I'm sorry,
but, well.......for ME, there was
just too much talk of sex,
romance, more sex, thoughts
of cheating on wives......"

"Careful, My child."

"Yeah.....I know, I know.
that sexy, cheating stuff sells books,
but, it really offended me.
This captain guy in the book
is our 'hero', and he's ALREADY
got my thumbs-down."

"It's a book, child."

"Yeah, but in literature, the
reader is supposed to be able
to sympathize with the main
character - and, I'm just not
doing that."

[PATIENT SILENCE.]

"And, what ABOUT all this
nakedness in the RAPTURE?
Oy! PLEASE! Can't we, at least,
get a bathROBE, or somethin'?"

[CHUCKLE.]
"We'll see, child."
You will be with Me."

"Yes, Lord! But, I'll also be
with all those OTHER people!
I don't want anybody seein'
me NAKED! ECH! UCH!"

"You will be with Me."

(calm down)
"Yes, Lord. I will be with You."

"Tell Me, child.
What is important, here?"

"Eh.......that, eh.......the protagonist
isn't seen as a sex-starved,
cynical, and successful husband,
who can't wait to schtupp the
gorgeous airline attendant,
waiting in the wings?"

"No."

"Eh.......to make sure that you've
always got duct tape on you,
just in case the Lord calls you
up to Him that day, and you
don't want your clothes falling
off while in route?"

[LAUGH.]
"No, My child!"

"Eh.....that one should always
be wearing thermal underwear -
just in case, the Rapture comes?
You know, Lord, it's supposed to
be really COLD up in those clouds:
isn't it like Mt. Everest, or
somethin'?"

"You enjoy making me laugh, child."

"Yes, Lord. I do.
(lump in throat)
I do, with all my heart."

"I love you, child."

(silence.)
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And I saw in the right hand
of Him Who was seated on
the Throne a scroll written
within, and on the back, sealed
with seven seals;
and I saw a strong angel proclaiming
with a loud voice,
Who is worthy to open the scroll
and break its seals?
.....the Lion of the tribe of Judah,
the Root of David,
has conquered,
so that He can open the scroll
and its seven seals.
[Revelation 5:1-5]

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