Bible Studies

---

[Author's note: I was too lazy to
look up the spelling for the word, 'unick'.]


...David's heart smote him after
he had numbered the people.
And David said to the Lord,
I have sinned greatly......
I have done very foolishly....
Thus says the Lord,
Three things I offer you;
choose one of them
that I may do to you.
[2 Samuel 24:10-12]
*****************************
"Lord?"

"Yes, My beloved?"

"Uh, oh.
What did I DO?"

[SMILE.]

"Anyhow, let's forget about
that, for right now."

"What, My precious?"

"Huh? Oh. NOTHIN'."

[NOD.]
"What was your question, child."

"Eh, oh: okay, what is this
part ABOUT, anyhow?
I've read it, before, and
I still don't understand it, Lord!"

[SILENCE]

"This part where David gets
punished for taking a census;
I don't get it? What was the
big DEAL? So WHAT?"

"It was a very big deal, child."

"Yeah? WHY? WE got' a
census, I don't know, like
every 10 years...........SO?"

[SILENCE.]

"Oh, I see.
What was it: some sort'a
ISSUE goin' on between You
and him? That's okay,
Lord. You don't have 'ta
explain it. All families
have drama."

[PATIENT SILENCE.]

"What I find funny is that....."

"Tell Me, child."

"Well, I like the way You
gave David a choice of
punishments: You know,
this, that, or the other.
I just think it's FUNNY!"

"I see, child.
Read It for Me."

"Yeah. Sure, Lord.
Here it is:

So Gad [the prophet] came to David....
and said to him:
Shall three years of famine come to
you in your land?
Or will you flee three months
before your foes while they pursue you?
Or shall there be three days'
pestilence in your land?
Now consider, and decide......
[2 Samuel 24:13]

Don't You think this was
kind'a HARSH, Lord?"

"No."

(smile)
"I can just see David sittin'
there, with a cup of coffee,
making a screwed up face,
squinty eyes, and rubbing his
bearded chin, saying:
'Hm.......WELL?
You got any other choices there,
Prophet Gad?'

(Prophet Gad)
'Eh........I don't think so, King David.
At least, the Lord didn't GIVE
me any others.'

(King David)
'Can't ya' go and ASK Him?'

(Prophet Gad)
'Eh......well....yeah, I COULD, King David,
but eh.......I don't really WANT to......
He wasn't in a real great mood
the last time I was looking at' Him,
King David.'

(Kind David frowns and rolls his eyes.)
'Scaredy cat!'

(Prophet Gad)
'You better believe it, King David.'

(King David)
'Yeah, yeah! Man, you prophets
ain't what ya' USED to be!'

(Prophet Gad)
'That's okay, sir. You can insult
me; I mean, isn't that what I'm
gettin' paid for?'

(King David)
'Personally, Prophet Gad,
I dunno' WHAT you're gettin'
paid for! So, eh......how much
TIME do I have, you know,
to make this, uh.....DECISION?'

(Prophet Gad)
'Eh......the Lord didn't say, King David.
But, if I were YOU, I wouldn't
take all morning about it,
'ya know what I mean?'

(King David snorts.)
'Yeah, YEAH. I get'cha!
Well........let's see: I've flee'd
before, and it's really not
a whole lot 'a fun, Prophet Gad.
Livin' in those caves 'll KILL 'ya.
Once, I didn't have deordorant
for FOUR MONTHS.'

(Prophet Gad)
'I understand, sir.'

(King David)
'The worst part were all those
BATS! I swear one 'a them
wanted to be a PET. He
wouldn't stop FOLLOWIN' me,
around! I finally had to move
to another cave, it got so bad!'

(Prophet Gad)
'Must 'a been hell, sir.'

(King David)
'Oy, don't ASK.
Well.......I guess it's either
the famine or the pestilence.
Between you and me, Prophet Gad,
I can't stand not havin' my munchies.
And, knowing the Lord, He'll probably
get REAL nasty, and take away
my Fig Nuutens.'

(Prophet Gad)
'God help us, all!'

(King David)
'EXACTLY! You said it, Prophet Gad!
(stands up from his red velvet chair,
stretches, and puts down his coffee
mug [the one with the picture of
a giant on it - and the slogan,
"Need a Slingshot, Anyone?"])
Well, that does it, Prophet Gad.
I've made up my mind!'

(Prophet Gad)
'Pestilence, sir?'

(King David [picking up his favorite
harp, and plucking out a new tune.])
'You said it, Prophet Gad.
Hey, on your way out, could 'ya
ask one 'a them unick's for a
piece 'a blank papyrus? I feel a song
comin' on!'

(Prophet Gad)
'Right away, sir!' [marches off]"

[LAUGH.]

"I like making 'Ya laugh, Lord!"

"I know, child."

"Eh........does this erase some 'a
the stuff I 'been thinkin' about, lately?"

"Not on your life, My precious."

"I didn't think so, Lord.
Hey, a person's gotta' ASK,
'Ya know I mean?"

[NOD.]

"Hey, LORD?
Did David really pop that
giant out, with just one slingshot?"

"Read My Word, child.
There, you will find the
answers to all your questions."
********************************
Then David said to Gad,
I am in great distress;
let us fall into the hand of the Lord,
for His mercy is great;
but let me not fall into the hand of man.
[2 Samuel 24:14]

---

PLEASE ENCOURAGE AUTHOR BELOW LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE