Humor

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After what seemed like months of a hectic schedule the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage and Yours Truly were enjoying a relaxing evening in the parsonage living room catching up on a pile of newspapers. It is amazing to me how much the new news is like the old news, which only increases my admiration for those who write the news.

I was engrossed in some story, I forget which one now, when I heard familiar sputterings coming from the direction of my wife's chair. Being a veteran husband, I chose to ignore those sounds. However, the more I ignored, the louder they got.

It was not long before those sputterings evolved into words and eventually those words evolved into phrases.

"Would you look at that?" "I can't believe that?" "Some people have all the nerve."

It was at this point I made a tactical error. I laid down my newspaper and said, "What has you all abuzz?"

"I am not all abuzz; I'll have you to know."

I quickly apologized and buried my nose back in my newspaper story.

"I would like to give that woman a piece of my mind," my wife snapped.

This is the amazing thing about my wife. She has given me so many pieces of her mind I cannot believe she has any left. Furthermore, any piece of her mind she can give to someone else is one less she can give to me. I take my blessings where I find them.

Then she unfolded the story she was reading. It seems, according to the newspaper, that Britney Spears' mother has written a book on parenting. According to my Better Half, the only expert advice she could give would be how to get pregnant and have a baby. After that, it was all downhill, according to my wife.

After she finished expostulating on the subject at hand she simmered down to a few inaudible utterances and I went back to my newspaper. I just could not get back into the story I had been reading. I was thinking about what my wife said and I began thinking about what it takes to become an expert on anything.

My first consideration was myself. What am I an expert on? I had to give that quite a bit of thought. An expert, so I reasoned, is someone who knows more about a subject than most other people do. I made a long list and one by one eliminated each one on that list. It was then I had a brainstorm.

No weatherman can predict when a brainstorm is going to occur. None of the technical advances in the world today can predict this phenomenon. My question is when I do have a brainstorm do I need an umbrella?

When the fury of that brainstorm subsided a little and the clouds lifted, I came to one inevitable conclusion. I am an expert on my wife.

Let me be clear right here. I am not an expert on wives, plural, but wife, singular. In particular my wife.

For the next few moments, I jotted down areas of my expertise concerning my wife.

For one, my wife is always right. Even when she is wrong, she is right, if you know what I mean. I have learned down through the years that it is quite easier to admit that I am wrong than to take the time and pains to convince her that she is wrong. Unlike a man, women, wives in particular, do not think in a straight line.

When God created women he gave them curves and not just on their bodies but in their thinking as well. A husband wants to go from A to B. His wife wants to go shopping between A and B. It does not make sense to a husband, but it makes perfect sense to a wife.

Another thing, when my wife is talking she does not like to be interrupted. This is just common courtesy but it can be quite confusing to the male side of the marriage equation.

The difference between husbands and wives comes in this area. When a husband is speaking and comes to the end of a subject, he pauses before he begins the next subject. This is not the case with his wife.

My wife can speak on a dozen different subjects without pausing or taking a breath. It is one of the mysterious miracles of God's creation. It is confusing to me because I think she is talking about one subject and by the time she is finished I am so utterly confused I have no idea what she just said.

I have invented the perfect response. "Yes, Dear. You are right."

The only downside to this is that a few days later, she inquires about the conversation and I have absolutely no recollection of the chat or the contents thereof.

Then I can always resort to, "Yes, Dear. You are right."

To be honest I need to surrender my expertise to what the Bible teaches.

"For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.” Ephesians 5:31 (KJV).

"Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband." Ephesians 5:33 (KJV).

The marriage commitment requires both parties become an expert on each other.

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