Humor

---

(Author's note: 'completed'
version.....but, IS it really
complete? Only God knows!)
******************************

Then I saw a Great White Throne
and Him Who sat upon it;
from His Presence earth and sky
fled away, and no place was
found for them.
And I saw the dead, great
and small, standing before the
Throne, and Books were opened.
Also, another Book was opened,
which is the Book of Life.
[Revelation 20:11-13]
***********************************

The author has passed over
the River Jordan (stumbling in
the water a couple times - due
to her flat feet), and finds
herself immediately in the
Throne Room.
"Oy vey." She says.
"What IS this? 'Do not pass Go'?"
*********************************
"Lord?"

"What."

"Whad'ya mean, WHAT?
Where's all the flowers, and
clouds, and stuff? Where's
my harp? And, WINGS?
I WANT MY WINGS!"

"Forget about it.
You ain't gettin' NO wings."

"Lord! You should tidy up Your
grammar. You know I used to
teach ESL!"

"Yes, child. I know."

"So, what's goin'on, Lord?
Where's my harps, and stuff?"

"Child, what is with this HARP?
Did you play a harp at any time
during your scruffy life?"

"Well, no.
But, I thought that once I
got to, You know, HEAVEN,
that I'd have all sorts of great talents....."

"Nope. No harp for YOU."

"Okay, OKAY! No HARP!
Don't WORRY about it! I
didn't really want to play one,
anyway! Oy vey!"

"Well said."
[OMINOUS MOMENT OF
THINKING.]
"Now, What do you have to say
for yourself, My child?"

"Say about WHAT, Lord?"

[MORE OMINOUS SILENCE,
PUNCTURED BY A CLEARING
OF HIS THROAT.]

"What? WHAT? What did
I do NOW? Hey! I thought
this was supposed to be HEAVEN?
Ech! This is some Heaven; I'd
be better off back in grade school
at the principal's office!"

"That is exactly where you are,
My child. Now.........."

"So, like, Heaven is just a spit
away? Hey, that's pretty neat!"

[RUMBLE. MORE RUMBLE.
FLOOR OF THE THRONE ROOM
SHAKES. IT SHAKES SOME MORE.]
"Child, do you know Whom you are
interrupting?"

"Well, yeah, Lord. You. We're not
going to go through THIS, again,
are we, Lord? I KNOW You;
You're the One who told us Jews
to eat Kosher. Well, then You took it
back, but that was in the New Testament,
and Jews don't ever read that part, so......"

[MORE RUMBLING,
AND FLOOR SHAKING.]
"QUIET!"

"Alright, okay! I was just answering
Your question, Lord! Heavens to Betsy,
You're, like, in a really bad mood this
morning. What happened, did one of
Michael's assistants drop his sword,
or something? Hey, when am I going
to SEE angel Michael, anyway? I've
been waiting a whole lifetime.........but,
first, let me at least comb my hair,
Lord. You know, death doesn't really
do a whole lot for your appearance.
Actually, in the hospital, I................."

"Do you know why you are HERE,
child?"

"Yeah. Yeah, Lord. It's to pick up
my crown, and then, skip on out to
all the gardens, and meet up with
my relatives............although, I have
to say that most of MY relatives
don't want to see me.......see, I was
kind of the off-centered sheep of the
family, and............"

[DOUBLE RUMBLE. THIS
RUMBLE MAKES THE LOUDEST
THUMBERBOLT YOU'VE EVER
HEARD SOUND LIKE A MOUSE
SQUEAK.]

(Author looks up, and slinks backward
to her chair. The chair is very upright,
and made of the hardest wood. The
lack of a seat cushion makes it even
more uncomfortable. A single glass of
water, with no ice cubes, sits on a
little wooden table, nearby. The
table looks like it was bought at
one of those middle-of-the-summer
flea markets by a sweaty, and
exhausted housewife carting around
three worn-out kids. )
"Could I have some potato chips?"

"No. Forget about it.
No potato chips for you.
And, what was all this about
picking up some sort of CROWN?
Where did you hear THAT, My precious?"

"Well, Lord, it's right here in Revelation.
See? I brought my Bible with me.........
I guess that was sort of to butter You up......"

"Well, child, it isn't working. And, what
do you have to say for yourself, exactly?"

"Huh? Oh. Well, uh......is THAT what You
want to hear about? Well............let's see.......
I mean, I did all sorts of good stuff!
What do You want to hear first, Lord?
I did lots of admirable things!
You know that! Hey! Remember when
I used to walk homeless-shelter dogs,
every Saturday afternoon, back
in Pittsburgh, when I was walking better?
Of course, NOW the poor little mutt
would have to walk ME, but that's okay,
Lord! I'm not KVETCHING, either, Lord!
You know I stopped that, a long time ago!
I guess, I..................."

"Child, My dear child, what have you
done for ME."

"Uh, for YOU, Lord? Well, let's see.
I used to go to a bunch of different
Bible studies; You remember, that was
right after my divorce, and they were
having that neat divorce-care group up at the
church I used to go to... and...............
well, You know that half the time I didn't
know what those Christians were talking
about, Lord, and................."

[THE BOOK OF LIFE IS OPENED
ON HIS LAP. AUTHOR CAN SEE
PAGES BEING FLIPPED AND
PERUSED. MORE FLIPPING.
SUDDENLY THE FLIPPING STOPS.]
"June, 1976?"

"Oy vey. Uh, well, Lord.....
that was my first summer up at
Penn State, and..........
Well! We were all just kids,
back then, Lord!"

[SOLOMN NOD. FROWN.]

"What about this autumn of 1986?"

"Eu. Oh. Well, eh..............YOU
know about that, LORD.......?
Oy gah veld!"

"Well said, child. Now, tell
Me all that you have done
for the Glory of My Kingdom?"

"Oh, wait a second, Lord. Before we start;
You know, I really like that
light purple colored gemstone -
I'm talking about what color
jewel I want primarily in my crown......
I can never pronounce it, correctly."

"AMETHYST."

"Yeah! That's it, Lord! Yeah,
that's what I want! It doesn't
have to be all over the crown......
just a few, maybe one in the
front, and........"

[RUMBLE. THRONE FLOOR SHAKES.]

"Gee, Lord. You really need to get
Your Throne Room moved to a better locale;
what is it - right near some railroad
tracks? Anyhow, I was also thinking
of having matching amethyst bejeweled
collars for all of my kitties......You know,
wouldn't that be really cute, Lord?"

"That's IT! THAT'S IT!"
[BOOK OF LIFE IS SLAMMED SHUT.
DUSTS FLIES AROUND THE THRONE.
ONE OF THE ANGELS SITTING CLOSE
BY BEGINS TO COUGH.]

(Author glances over at the sneezing
and coughing angelic figure. Could it
be all of the kitty fur floating up
toward Heaven?]
"Hey, you there! Would you like some of
my water? That's a nasty allergy you've
got, huh? Lord, why don't You do something
about that cough of Your angel, there?
What's her name........?"

"You, My daughter, are going back to earth,
for a little while longer! You need to learn
some...........some SENSE! Now GO!
GO NOW! BEFORE I REALLY LOSE MY
TEMPER!"
[HE STEPS OFF THE THRONE, WEARING
A PARTICULARLY STERN LOOK - THE
ANGELS ABOUT ALL BITE THEIR LOWER
LIPS - BUT ONLY FOR A MOMENT. THEN,
IN OBEDIENCE TO AN UNHEARD COMMAND,
THEY GENTLY LIFT AUTHOR, AND FLY HER
HOME............(not THE Home: San Antonio, home).]
__________________________
"Hey? What happened?
(Silence. Glance up at the ceiling.)
"What did I do, NOW, Lord?"

[THUNDER. RUMBLE. LIGHTENING.]

(Kitties scurry for cover under the sofa.
Author ducks her head, flinging her arms
about as if to protect it.)

"Huh? What was THAT all about?"

"DO SOME THINGS FOR MY GLORY,
CHILD! THEN, WE'LL TALK!"

"OKAY, LORD! GOTCHA! BYE!
NICE SEEIN'YA, AGAIN! TAKE CARE
OF LETISHA'S COUGH, OKAY? BYE!
SEE'YA!"

[RUMBLE. MORE THUNDER.]
*****************************************
And the dead were judged by what was
written in the Books, by what they had done.
.................and if any one's name was not
found written in the Book of Life,
he was thrown into the Lake of Fire.
[Revelation 20:12-15]

---

PLEASE ENCOURAGE AUTHOR BELOW LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE