Christian Living

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We human beings are perfect examples of the meaning of the word paradox. This word means contradictory. Don't we all exhibit this is our lives? We say one thing, but mean another. We act a certain way, but we really feel another. We know we should, but don't, we know we shouldn't, but do. We are a complex little bunch of travelers, aren't we? Inconsistent, contradictory. Paradoxical.

I tend to go around with a smile on my face--my calling seems to be to make other people happy, at least once a day. I am a happy soul--I find the joy, and if I can't, I make it. I love living from the inside out. Yet, sometimes the smile on the outside belies what I am really feeling inside. We all have our public faces, and then we have the face we show in private. We treat outsiders better, and seem to be able to be so much more patient with them than we can manage with our own families. We people are excellent at hiding our soul wrenching pains from others. But we can't hide from God, and we shouldn't try. This is where God steps in. This is where you feel so broken apart that you finally relent and give it to Him. This is faith at its best.

To the outside world, I am patient. To my family, not so much. They get the me who is grouchy at times, impatient, and controlling. My children drive me nuts. I endlessly explain and try to show them where they may be messing up in life, yet they just blow me off and refuse to listen. If I said the same thing to someone else, at least they would listen. Or pretend to. My kids don't even pretend to at times. I stand there helplessly wringing my hands, looking into a future I can see but they can't, and there is nothing I can do. Not a single thing. Maybe I am talking too much. What would happen if I just stand aside and let 'it' happen? I don't know. That's what scares me. I am afraid for my son (not my goofball Dusty, who is thirteen, my son Kevin, who is twenty). Why can't he see the twisted road he is heading down? Poor choices, and bad experiences, help shape us into the people we are becoming, but why deliberately and willfully make things harder on yourself? Honest mistakes are one thing but eyes wide open, gonna do it anyway mistakes are just--foolish. The Bible speaks of those who refuse to listen to Wisdom, and their future is quite clearly described. What does one do with a boy, a young man, such as this? I don't know. Since my son is much bigger than me, I can't sit on him and force him to do things my way. Technically, he is an adult. In reality, boy, does he have a lot to learn. Why can't he learn it in an easier way?

How many of you are going about your lives, trying to be a blessing to those you meet every day, yet you are heartbroken and tormented by things you cannot share with anyone else? I'm betting there are many of us.

We are the living breathing definition of the word paradox. I would just like to remind you that it is at times like these where we are allowed to lean very heavily on Jesus. He knows our condition. He knows that I am questioning my parenting, wondering if I somehow failed this child of mine. I can't stop the "where did I go wrong" from springing into my mind all the time. Am I to blame for this mess? We are all born with individual personalities--where did Kevin's come from? He is so very hardheaded and cynical. I've never been like that! His real father, whom he has not lived with or talked to very much since he was a baby, was like this. Did he inherit this, even though he was exposed to it so little? So many questions and mysteries! Zilch on the definitive answers.

I don't know where my child who is causing me so much heartbreak right now might wind up. I honestly don't know what to do anymore, except pray, and wait on the Lord.

Life is so beautiful at times, and what a blessing that is. Yet somehow, we have to find the blessing in the rough spots, and sometimes we have to wait.

Thank you, Jesus, for letting me lean. I will try to be patient while I wait. Keep us all safe. Please keep your hand on Kevin, and keep me from spouting the 'I told you so'. He's chosen a bad road to walk on. Maybe he will allow You to walk beside him, since he will not allow me to walk with him.

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