Humor

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JIMMY STEWART IN HELL


CAST OF CHARACTERS
RANDY SANDERS
JIMMY STEWART


RANDY:
You’re listening to “On The Air With Randy Sanders”, not your average talk show, and not for average folk. So if you’re average or you have something ho-hum to discuss-- as a public service, please do consider the many and valid methods of strangling yourself. I know I for one would appreciate it, and so would the gene pool and future generations. I’m taking callers, now. Hello caller.

JIMMY STEWART
Hello?

RANDY:
Yes, caller you’re boring me already.

JIMMY STEWART
Hello? Who have I got here?

RANDY:
You’ve got “On The Air With Randy Sanders” we’re live on the air right now, and you’ve got five seconds to be interesting.

JIMMY STEWART (mutters)
Well, that figures.

RANDY:
5….

JIMMY STEWART (still muttering)
They must have crossed the lines up as part of the torment.

RANDY:
3….

JIMMY STEWART (still more muttering)
Besides, nothing works right down here, anyway.

RANDY:
2….. – excuse me, did you say “torment”?

JIMMY STEWART (normal)
Torment, yeah, that’s what we got going on down here… LOTS of it. (muttering) Though I suppose a live radio talk show is just as bad….

RANDY:
I can’t help but noticing that you sound pretty familiar

JIMMY STEWART
Well, you might have caught me in Rear Window, or Harvey, or It’s a Wonderful Life. Now there’s an ironic laugh.

RANDY:
Jimmy Stewart?

JIMMY STEWART
You got that right, bucko. At least no one’s forgotten me yet, (mutters) that’s comfort, I suppose.

RANDY:
But, Mr. Stewart is dead, sir.

JIMMY STEWART
YOU’RE TELLING ME! Dead as a doornail as they say.

RANDY:
Then how do you explain that you’re talking to me right now?

JIMMY STEWART
They give you one free phone call before they get into the eternal torment. I suppose hooking me up with a live radio show was just the warm-up

RANDY:
Torment? I don’t understand

JIMMY STEWART
Do I have to spell it out for you, chum? Criminey you’re dense. I’m down in HELL, don’t you know?

RANDY:
Now I find that hard to believe--

JIMMY STEWART
And you don’t think I found that hard to believe? And there’s no appeals system here, either. Things get pretty absolute when it comes to the hereafter.

RANDY:
It’s just that of all people I would think —

JIMMY STEWART
You would THINK, wouldn’t you? I wasted my time with all that “doing good” and “helping your neighbor” hooey. IT’S A BUNCH OF HOOEY! I tell ya. Let your neighbor rot, you’ll be better off, trust me. Do you know what’ll get you in heaven -- I found out?

RANDY:
No, I have no idea, now.

JIMMY STEWART
Go ahead, ask me what’ll get you into heaven.

RANDY:
What will get you—

JIMMY STEWART
GOLF SCORES! Can ya beat that?

RANDY:
What was that? I thought I heard you say “Golf Scores”.

JIMMY STEWART
You heard me. Golf scores! Turns out the Man Upstairs is crazy about the game. Tossed the whole Ten Commandments and Golden Rule bit and now golf scores’ll get you in. Instead of helping people and being nice, I should have been on the putting greens and on the driving range hitting a bucket of balls everyday, I guess.

RANDY:
I see.

JIMMY STEWART
I’m down here, getting the wrong end of a pitchfork, and Ben Hogan and that crowd are doing foursomes. You’d be surprised who’s in that Elite Clubhouse in the Sky.

RANDY:
I can imagine.

JIMMY STEWART
No you can’t! You know Hitler and Mussolini and Hirohito, that bunch?

RANDY:
Uh…yeah?

JIMMY STEWART
Scratch golfers, all of ‘em, turns out. Somewhere Attila the Hun picked up golf, too, somehow. I don’t ask and I don’t want to know. And here I sit with Gandhi and Francis of Assisi and try to while away our tortured days trying to make sense of the whole thing.

RANDY:
Well, this has been very enlightening, Mr. Stewart.

JIMMY STEWART
Take it from me. If you’ve got a bad slice, it can damn you for eternity.

RANDY:
Thank you for the warning Mr. Stewart

JIMMY STEWART
(off) What? Oh. (normal) And all the best from Mr. Gandhi, too. (Heh!) The little devil just doesn’t get it, does he? Still plugging away even while strapped to a flaming bed of nails in Hell. Ya gotta admire the plucky little tyke!

RANDY:
Good bye, Mr. Stewart.

JIMMY STEWART:
And don’t forget your mid-irons! If you can’t make an approach shot your doomed!

RANDY:
Thank you, Mr. Stewart.

(SFX: Severing of phone line)

RANDY:
Well, that was informative to say the least. I’m Randy Sanders, we’ll be back with “Good Nutrition, Good Neighbors” after this--

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