Humor

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SUBMARINE DRAMA

CAPTAIN
OFFICER HAWKINS

(SFX: Sonar PING & at intervals after)

(SFX: CAPTAIN’S voice with slight reverb)


CAPTAIN: (low voice) (British accent)
All hands, this is the Captain. As you all know, we’re a long way from port, running out of fuel, batteries low and we only have one bird left in the tubes. “Gerry” is swimming above us, fully loaded and ready to drop depth charges the moment he gets a bearing. He knows we’re below, but he doesn’t know exactly where. So we’re going to sit tight and wait it out. That is all.

(SFX: CAPTAIN’S voice @ normal sound level)

CAPTAIN:
Settle in, lads. This may take a while.

(SFX: Ping!)

HAWKINS: (British accent also)
Uh, Skipper?

CAPTAIN: (whispered)
Quiet, Hawkins.

(SFX: Ping!)

(pause)

HAWKINS: (whispered)
Skipper?

CAPTAIN: (whispered)
What is it, then, Hawkins?

HAWKINS: (whispered)
The, uh, mates and I were wondering, sir….

(SFX: Ping!)

CAPTAIN: (whispered) (annoyed)
Well?

HAWKINS: (whispered)
We were wondering if you were planning on going to the formal dance tonight, sir.

CAPTAIN: (exclamation)
The what!?

(SFX: Ping!)

CAPTAIN: (whispered)
The what?


HAWKINS: (whispered)
You know, the formal dance. It is tonight, you know.

CAPTAIN (normal voice)
There’s a formal dance? On a submarine? Tonight?

(SFX: Ping!)

HAWKINS: (enthusiastic)
Oh, yes, sir! You know, dress whites, radio music, it’s the social event of the mission, sir. All the men have been saving up their tins of Spam for this one. Didn’t you get the invitation? Chief Petty Officer Bixby distributed the invites weeks ago.

CAPTAIN:
I thought that was a joke. I threw it away!

HAWKINS:
Oh. Well, we were wondering about you, sir. Mostly for reservations and all.


CAPTAIN:
I’m not going to any bloody formal dance on a submarine with Gerry swarming all around us.


(SFX: Ping!)

HAWKINS:
Um, well sir--

CAPTAIN:
And that’s final, Hawkins.

HAWKINS
Begging Skipper’s pardon, the First Officer was rather hoping you’d take him, sir.

CAPTAIN:
What, you mean Robinson?

(SFX: Ping!)

HAWKINS:
Had his heart set on it, sir. You’ve noticed he’s been a bit down, lately haven’t you? Not quite the snap in his form, a bit moody in the afternoons, listless in the night watches—

CAPTAIN:
What? Over a wretched dance?

HAWKINS:
Shhh! Quiet sir. Sound travels a long way when we run silent.

CAPTAIN: (whispered)
Right. Gerry is swimming overhead.

HAWKINS:
I was thinking more about Robinson hearing you, sir. He’s very sensitive.

(SFX: Ping!)

CAPTAIN:
All right! All right! I’ll take Robinson to this ridiculous formal party of yours.

HAWKINS:
”Dance” sir. It’s a formal dance – dress whites!

CAPTAIN:
Whatever! Tell him, I’ll take him to this “formal dance”.

HAWKINS:
Pardon me, Skipper – he had his heart set on you asking him, sir.

(SFX: Ping!)

CAPTAIN:
Fine! I’ll announce it on the bloody intercom if it will make him happy and put an end to this silly business.

(SFX: CAPTAIN’S voice reverb)

CAPTAIN:
All hands, this is the captain--

HAWKINS:
I wouldn’t advise that, sir.

CAPTAIN: (normal)
Don’t worry about Gerry, Hawkins, this’ll only take a moment.

(SFX: CAPTAIN’S voice reverb)

CAPTAIN: All hands--

HAWKINS:
It’s not Gerry I’m thinking about, Skipper. It’s Ferguson, sir.

(SFX: Ping!)

CAPTAIN:
Ferguson? Our Chief Mechanic? What does he have to do with all this?

HAWKINS:
He’s had eyes to take Robinson to the formal sir, everyone knows it. If you announce you’re taking Robinson over the intercom to all hands, it’d crush him. He wouldn’t be able to show his face for months, sir.

CAPTAIN:
Well, why doesn’t Robinson jolly well go with Ferguson, then?

HAWKINS:
Robinson would rather go with you, sir.

(SFX: Ping!)

CAPTAIN:
What a bloody mess. (pause) Well, if I had any say in the matter, I’d take Lieutenant Davis with me, he’s a looker – and in dress whites, too!

HAWKINS:
Lieutenant Davis is going with Hodges from communications, sir.

CAPTAIN:

--Blast that Hodges! He gets all the breaks! (pause) He had them all eating out of his hand at our Surface at Sunset Gala, too. None of us had a chance!

HAWKINS:
Aye that, sir.

(SFX: Ping!)

CAPTAIN:
(sigh) Mister Hawkins…

HAWKINS:
Sir?

CAPTAIN:
Will you kindly give First Mate Robinson my regards and tell him to come to the control room, then?

HAWKINS:
With pleasure, sir.

(SFX: Footsteps on metal fading off)

CAPTAIN:
Blast this war….

(SFX: Ping!)
(SFX: Ping!)
(SFX: Ping!)

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