Healing

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Who Am I????




As I look inward what do I see?
I look past my mask I see the real me
A boy almost six with a half nervous smile
Has been living inside me; he was there all the while
He lives deep in the shadows in cold lonely cell
A prison created to protect me from self
If I let down my guard then I might start to trust
I might learn how to hope, I might learn how to love
To love is to lose and to trust is a lie
My hope is in finding a fast way to die
But I want to live I tell this young child
I know I can change it just takes a while
So what that I’m forty not a penny I have
My children are scattered ashamed of their dad
“I just made bad choices “can be my excuse
Its time I start winning or is winning to lose
To give up my life to carry my cross
Forgiving myself and loved ones I’ve lost
I need to let go of things I can’t change
I can’t rewrite the past or keep passing the blame
I want to grow up and to walk as a man
To face damaged done when I caused it and ran
I know that I hurt you and you hurt me as well
We lived in the past in darkness we dwelled
I feel deeply saddened for what happened to you
I would change everything that you ever been through
I would give you a life with a mom and a dad
In a world made of happy where there’s never no sad
You would wake up to laughter as the morning sun glared
Instead of hiding behind a living room chair
Its two in the morning, the bar room let out
Don’t need an alarm clock you awake with a shout
Your poor little heart beats right through your chest
Will this be the night that mom lays to rest
How long will it last, I can still hear the screams
I still see the beatings, my mom looking at me
Her eyes oh so sad as she said, “go to bed”
As a man twice her size throws blows at her head
I wished I were David so strong and so true
But being so little there was nothing to do
Goliath would conquer until he passed out
I would get them one day and I had no doubt
It seemed every man that she met was a drunk
She was searching for love what she got was a punch
While kids all around lived a perfect ole life
I dreamed about slicing them up with a knife
Its sad that a boy of so young had no chance
Saw to many things danced with evil romance
To plan his revenge for years so ahead
He should have been planning kids stuff instead.
Now dad he had money and money was love
Mom didn’t love me, dad bought me my stuff
My mom was white trash, a no good blank whore
My dads money tree grew more at each store
I was the “jock Boy” his golden son
When I was playing ice hockey I was number one
Now dad bought me smokes at age sixteen
To smoke is cool just check out James dean
Now son” men don’t cry “ be tough as can be
Don’t show your emotions you can be just like me
I’m on my fifth marriage; yes this one’s a charm
Your on the right path no need for alarm’
Just do as I’m doing and you’ll be ok
Its all about money there’s no other way
A man has the job the woman stays home
For now I am Tarzan can you hear me roar!
Now jimmy I’m sorry I know you’re in there
I’m bringing back memories and I know that you’re scared
But I’m here to remind you that the past is just that
It doesn’t determine where your life is at
If we work together and grow into one
I know we will prosper and learn how to love
Jesus is knocking so open the cage
Unlock the cold jail cell release all the rage
He wants all our burdens to all he gives rest
He’s the beginning of freedom if we only confess
So say that you’re tired of living a lie
We smile as were greeted but we’re dying inside
I try to scream out but silence I speak
I’m strong in mans eyes in truth I am weak
So…. little boy what do you think?
Do we live in our bondage?
Do we continue to sink?
Can we learn to have hope, to love and to trust
Can I put you away and start to grow up
I cant live no longer as a boy in a man
Who am I – the question?
The answer- who I am
Are you ready to leave me and give me new life?
Can you free my old thinking and restore my sight
I know we held on for so many years
We protected each other from all of our fears
But the truth is my child I cant use you no more
So I’m setting you free walk through the door
The chains have been shattered your sentence reduced
Your jail cell destroyed it has no more use
I can’t give you back all the lost years
I can’t change the past, the stream-endless tears
I know that you missed knowing your true mom and dad
They both died too early without getting a chance
To know the true jimmy and all of your dreams
To tell them you loved them regardless of things
But hang on to Jesus and hang on to faith
For he’s waiting with someone for you at the gate
So run from this old shell run fast towards the light
Your heavenly father has you in his sights
I know I will miss you but know I am glad
Give love to our father to mom and to dad
I’ll meet you in heaven so don’t say goodbye
Lord take care of my loved ones as I seek
Who Am I…………

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