Encouragement

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How do you define success? When in doubt, I always turn to the dictionary, but in this case, Random House fails to satisfy me: success, n. 1. the favorable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavors. 2. the attainment of achievement.

The older I get, the more I am sure that success is not a termination or an outcome as much as it is a process. In fact, it seems that when we view success as something out there, we never seem to get there. I would like to propose a model of success as a way of being rather than as a goal. My own story illustrates why.
When I viewed success as a termination point, I seemed doomed to failure. As soon as I would get to success, I would re-define it. Once I got there, I didn’t feel successful enough.

In my youth I felt I would be successful when I graduated from high school. I did. Then the success goal was to get my undergraduate college degree. I did. Then a job. I did. Then a graduate degree. I did. Then a better job. I did. Underneath these goals was the big, real measure of success: to be interviewed by Barbara Walters. She was the paragon of success to me as a writer. As a young adult, I put my dreams of being a famous, well-traveled reporter away for many reasons, but, at least, I could focus on being interviewed by a famous reporter. When I hit 30, I decided I’d better re-adjust my measure of success, since Barbara wasn’t getting any younger -- she might retire before I got there. I decided that I would be truly successful if Oprah interviewed me, and, of course, applauded my bestseller.

Once I got married and had children, I kept my desire to be on Oprah on the back burner, and I focused on my new measures of success. If I stayed home with my children and catered to their every need (and they were always healthy and happy), then I would be successful. If I stayed attractive to my husband (and he was always happy and adoring), then I would be successful. If I could also earn a little income to make my husband’s life easier, then I would be successful. If I could also get that bestseller finished and on Oprah while doing all of the above, then I would be really successful.

When I turned 40, I realized that I had failed, and I had failed rather dismally. I wasn’t a successful mother, wife, or writer. Rather, the opposite, according to my definition of success.
Despite my best efforts, sometimes my kids got sick, and I was usually the one who made them unhappy. I gained a tremendous amount of weight at home with the kids, my husband found me unattractive, and he eventually left me. I got bored with each little side business I started, and I never seemed to have time or the inclination to write anything, let alone a bestseller.

How do I define success, now at age 41? I am successful, if I am loving. Yes, period. If I am loving, I am successful. If I am loving toward my children, and relating to them in a way which promotes their growth and well-being, then I am a successful mother. I learned that I could be there for them every waking second, and they still got sick and unhappy, and so did I. I can’t make my kids or step-kids stay well and happy, but I can choose to love them and treat them in a loving way.

If I am loving toward my new husband, then I am successful. I learned that when I spare him from my feelings and what I perceive as the burden of comforting me, I overeat to make my feelings go away and instead push my husband away. I can’t make my husband be attracted to me or make him be happy, but I can choose to love him and relate to him in a loving way, a way that includes letting him take care of me, too. Developing loving two-way relationships with friends outside of our marriage is an added bonus that enriches our married life.

If I am loving in regards to my work, then I am successful. I learned that when I was bored and/or complaining about work too far beneath my intellectual standards, then I was unfulfilled and unhappy. I can’t make clients come to me or Oprah choose my book-in-progress or make paperwork go away at the office, but I can choose to become more masterful at my work and choose to work with a loving, positive, servant-like attitude.

Last, but not least, I realized I needed to work on developing a loving relationship with God. I have believed in church and have been involved in church in many musical and leadership capacities since I was a young girl. I have believed in my need for Jesus Christ as a personal Savior since 2002. What I have been missing is the successful pursuit of a loving Father to fill that “God-shaped void” in my heart.

When daily I fail to reach the destination of being a loving person, because my selfish human nature rears its ugly head and makes me choose to act in unloving ways, I am grateful to have a forgiving God who strengthens me and encourages me for the next day’s attempt at success.

As writer Ben Sweetland says: “Success is a journey, not a destination.” I would add that our life on earth is a journey of love. If we are actively working at developing loving relationships with God, our family, our work, and our friends along the way, we are successful. The other stuff is just icing on the cake.
©2005 Sharina Smith. All rights reserved.

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