Christian Living

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I don't know where to go in these times - the day seems unending, the world so big, my space so small. I feel a pull towards neglect. I want to sleep it away, dream as if everything is okay here in reality. Sometimes it's just not. When it goes on for so long, where do you go? I don't look out the windows, I don't open the door, I don't roll over sometimes. I want to find a way out - out of this place that holds no answers, no reasoning. My mind is never settled, my heart is never untouched. It's rare that it hits me, but when it does - teeth clinched, eyes adjusted to the dimming of the lights- I want to throw something. I want to hear it shatter; I want to watch it shatter before me to make it seem a little more possible that my life might still be whole. Nights like these call to me and I can't surrender the pain. Sometimes I just cling to it, futile and painful, this raw ache that won't subside. I hit repeat on every song that only encourages the bleeding. This dark, depressing music that nearly takes the edge off, or pushes you over the edge - whichever you prefer. I prefer neither. I prefer nothing but darkness, silence, and solitude. I can't take in the words that are supposed to help. I can't read anymore about how right things are, inevitably, in all of us who believe something. Sometimes it hurts to believe anything. There's greater disappointment when you know who's letting you down. And I believe that it's okay to scream out, to lash out, to hurt. I believe it's okay to feel all of this. But it doesn't feel okay this time. I don't feel the benefit of relief. I feel a void. You could spend hours rethinking it all: the past, the people, the feelings, the promises, the lies. But where would this take you besides to some dark place with enclosing walls and no way out? It's a trap that I choose sometimes, a place to hide from the present which is no less confusing and unassuring. Nothing is assuring now and I feel a blankness on my face expanding out into the room, wrapping me up in a haze of discontentment and confusion. And I hit repeat again.

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