Christian Living

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There are moments in my life when I feel completely at odds with the world, where my hair won't lay down right and my clothes don't seem to fit. Days when I cry when I really want to scream, and I scream when I really want to be silent. When every song I hear is the wrong one, every turn I take leads to where I don't want to go. Where every time I try to stand up I fall and every time I want to lie down I just run in circles. There are days when nothing inside feels right even though they should and everything on the outside just looks unusually chaotic. In these moments, I need the silence but it scares me away. I need the light but I'm awake all night. I want to open my eyes but they refuse, or I want to close them but my racing mind interferes. There are moments when I feel so small, and every little thing feels so big. I like to think in these moments about tomorrow and yesterday and all of the days that came before yesterday. I remember when I used to have time to lie outside of my parents house in the hay and watch the stars. As big as all of that space was, it somehow made me feel bigger. I don't do that anymore; intsead I see city lights, hear car horns and sirens in the distance. Nothing is the same. But I know that I'm still the same. I know tomorrow there will be order to the chaos. If not tomorrow, the day after. If not the day after, in the end, when I can finally close my eyes and see a big empty space that instead of swallowing me up, makes my feet finally touch the ground again.

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