Poetry
I cried out that day! (Jeremiah 39:17, 18)
Oh what a dark night it was!
I couldn’t see even my own countenance.
The sheet of tears had become so thick,
Oh was there anyone who could see me!
I was all covered under the heap of guilt;
This heap of guilt was put by the power of sin.
Oh was there no one to hear my cry!
HELP ME! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!
HELP ME! I DON’T WANT TO CRY!
FOREVER & EVER
Oh my tears were all about to dry!
Oh my voice was turning to a sigh!
My heart was so heavy with all my sin,
There was no one to whom I could raise my chin.
I was scared, I was tired, I was all torn apart.
Suddenly a voice came, “Peace be to your heart.”
“I will deliver you & not let you fall
in the hands of those of whom you afraid are;
I’ll surely deliver thee,” said the Lord,
“And thou shall not fall by the sword
because thou has put thy trust in me.”
Oh what a joy He has given me this day!
I’ve got a new hope, I’ve got a new stay.
I’ll serve Him till I’ve this hope
For to move out of my life now it has no scope.
Only,
Joy
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*** “I Cried Out (That Day)!” Encouragement: This piece is rich with emotion, especially the emotion of sorrow. The lines in all caps were powerful and I really liked the 5 sorrowful ‘oh’s’ they were all well timed. **I’ve especially been attracted to your laxity when it comes to rhyme scheme; in all your pieces I’ve reviewed so far you have never had a rhyme scheme that stays 100% consistent throughout the piece. I notice this and I really like this about your poetry. Non-rhyming lines seem to denote a breaking down of emotional sanity: “The sheet of tears had become so thick, oh was there anyone who could see me!” This leads to repentance and then into God’s salvation which leads to hope; therefore, salvation and hope is what rhyming lines seems to denote: “Oh what a joy He has given me this day! I’ve got a new hope, I’ve got a new stay.” *Finally, I like this line: “…in the hands of those of whom you afraid are.” ‘Are’ does not quite rhyme with ‘fall’ but the attempt in rearranging the words of the verse so that the rhyming ‘a’ sound can be brought to the attention of the reader while keeping the continuity of the piece is humorous--nice restructuring.
*Sharpening: The thing that bothers me the most about this piece is Jeremiah 39:17,18. These verses in their entirety simply do not all speak to the subject of this piece. “I will deliver you & not let you fall
in the hands of those of whom you afraid are,” and “I’ll surely deliver thee,” said the Lord, “And thou shall not fall by the sword” testify to this. What is the poet afraid of when it comes to the guilt of sin but the punishment of God, will God then respond to that repentant heart by delivering it from Himself?! From the context of the piece the poet does not seem to be in any mortal danger but rather immortal danger: “this heap of guilt was put by the power of sin.” So the reader then is confused when they see God saying that you shall not fall by the sword: is sin a person that can actually kill my body with a weapon? I know my reasoning is a bit exaggerated but my point is that I strongly feel those two lines in the piece need to be cut in order to make clear what your message is: God will bring peace to the guilty heart and deliver it from the power of sin if it trusts in Him. __Overall great emotion, be careful with the use of directly quoted verses focusing only on the truths that are related to the main idea. Keep writing and keep trusting in God.