Marriage

Gleaning From The Book of Esther, The Marriage Conversation

by Janice S Ramkissoon 
10/07/25
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After going through Esther chapter two, I meditated on verses 12 to 14:

“Before a young woman’s turn came to go in to King Xerxes, she had to complete twelve months of beauty treatments prescribed for the women, six months with oil of myrrh and six with perfumes and cosmetics.

 And this is how she would go to the king: Anything she wanted was given her to take with her from the harem to the king’s palace.

 In the evening she would go there and in the morning return to another part of the harem to the care of Shaashgaz, the king’s eunuch who was in charge of the concubines. She would not return to the king unless he was pleased with her and summoned her by name.”

That certainly was not my experience. Oh, how I wish it was! How disappointing it must have been for my ‘King Xerxes’ to only have seen me go all out only in preparation for our wedding! To have a whole year of self-care! A whole year of learning how to present oneself as a wife would be such an investment in our marriage! This may seem like a simple thing to most young women who were raised in a home where their mothers regularly took them for spa treatments, pedicures and manicures. For young ladies who attended the hair salon on a regular basis, taken by their mothers, to delight in clothes shopping, etc., that would come naturally.

Nevertheless, for a young lady like me who was trying to figure out life for myself (not having had parents who took care of my basic needs), that was not seen as a priority. It would be the first thing I give up when there was a financial need in the extended family. That taught me to do the same in my immediate family. It was already too late when I began to learn the lesson. I had to grow up pretty fast. I was busy working, taking care of my folks, and enjoying being, as I thought, a responsible adult who was also a good steward of my finances. So when finances were scarce, I didn't see it as an issue, I simply reverted to my old ways of doing for myself what I would have wanted to pay someone to do for me. That included my nails and hair. 

Prioritising those areas, such as self-care, was important, but I didn’t have the awareness. Having such awareness would have brought to the forefront my boundaries and things I was not willing to compromise on, understanding their value to my mental, emotional and physical well-being, as well as the health of the marriage.

I thought things would naturally fall into place for marriage. I thought we would form our own way of doing things, and life would be grand. Not the case! We were going to bring our habits (good and bad) with us, and without understanding, both the good and the bad were going to threaten the health of our marriage if we didn't adjust to find what works for our marriage. A year of preparation would have been the ideal, bringing awareness, in my case.

Marriage Preparation

Although these verses are focusing on ‘12 months of beauty treatment,’ I thought about the value of separation for 12 months of education from the date of engagement to the wedding date. With a follow-up session each year or at least every five years.

What if each spouse had the pleasure of preparing for their marriage, for at least a year, before getting married? Whether or not they do follow-up sessions? Can you imagine the clarity our newlyweds would have going into their marriages? And divorce, surely with such clarity, we would spend more of our time building and maintaining the life we’re building together through our marriages, rather than depleting our energy on what Dr. Emerson Eggerichs calls ‘The Crazy Cycle.’ With that in place, we would definitely see a reduction in couples getting divorced.

I strongly believe that if you are part of a church family, that should be a necessary part of the pre-marriage service offered. The family is the ‘Domestic church’--the mini church, and the church is a large family. Therefore, I believe that no minister of the Word should really offer to marry a couple without at least allowing them to go through such a process. That is, a process of pre-marital counselling, to establish the purpose of marriage, their vision for the marriage and each other’s expectations. That would be a valuable gift to the couple as part of their marriage preparation. It most certainly would have been a gift to me and my husband.

Continues in The Destruction That Accompanies Folly