Marriage

The Flame of the Lord

by J.W. Phillips
06/17/25
Not For Sale

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The Flame of the Lord

I suppose I was a bit unusual when I grew up. I was one of those “innocent types”—the type of kid around whom the other kids wouldn't swear, the type of kid who didn't know until the last half of the sixth grade that Santa wasn't real, the type of kid who remained clueless about sex until well into the twelfth grade.

While growing up, I remember the preacher giving some very stern warnings about “petting”—warnings that I didn't understand at all, because I liked my dog!

Once on a high school trip, I found myself alone (ever so briefly) with this girl I liked. And on that beautiful moonlit night, there at this luxury resort in the Tennessee mountains, she tenderly whispered to me I could have anything I wanted. Surprised by the offer, the only thing I could think to say was, “I'd really like to have a new baseball glove.”

My father had the “birds and bees” talk with my younger brothers several years before, but it was clear to all that I wasn't ready. When that conversation finally did take place, the new information didn't exactly intrigue me. Instead, I felt immensely disappointed, as if I had been demoted to live in a barnyard. Why, I wondered, couldn't God have thought of about a better way than this? I didn't want to doubt his spirituality, but to me (in the light of this new, unwanted information) there did seem to be a problem.

My concern was amply confirmed in society. We live in a culture bombarded by sexual stimuli (not unlike the immoral climates of Ephesus, Corinth and other New Testament cities) and this environment poses great problems for the visually stimulated male. How easy it is for him, with his testosterone-influenced constitution, to turn the Bible on its head; so that for him what appeals first and most is the body and not the spirit.

The Jewish theologian, Martin Buber, spoke of the “I/Thou” relationship, where the spiritual in relationships is meaningfully engaged. But what manifests often is an “I/it” relationship where, following the Playboy philosophy, women are as disposable as Kleenex. 

In this regard, the late Catholic Bishop Fulton Sheen commented that during ancient times the fig leaf was placed over the private parts, but in this more corrupted modern age, we've put it over the face.

It has been said that, “More secrets exist in the sexual realm than in any other area of life.”¹ Some have reinterpreted the seventh commandment to state, “Thou shall not admit adultery.”

From his study of 88 previous civilizations, anthropologists J.D. Unwin warns that once sexual permissiveness prevailed, the society which allowed it soon perished.²

The damage to heart and home caused by promiscuous sex is difficult to exaggerate. Yet, Scripture affirms sex as “the flame of the Lord” (Song of Solomon 8:6). It is a passion God designed.

The Song of Solomon begins with the wife of our story sensually aroused, desiring Solomon's kisses and love—the Hebrew word for “love” in this verse often referring to sex (1:3). What is therefore commended and not condemned is a wife who joyfully anticipates making love with her husband.

In chapter 1, verse 9, Solomon calls her “My darling,” which in the Hebrew denotes both a commitment to care for and protect, as well as to delight in sex. Solomon, with deep devotion is drawn to his wife.

The experience he was anticipating was not unlike what Adam enjoyed many years before. When Adam first saw Eve, he responded with considerable excitement, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.”

While these words may sound like some sterile lab report, they weren’t. In the Hebrew, the word "this" is an expletive, the counterpart of our word “Wow!” In his excitement, Adam used the word "this" three times!

“This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh: this (the same word again) shall be called woman because this was taken out of man.”³

From the feverish rapidity of this very excitable expression, we can discern Adam's almost instantaneous arousal. And centuries later, such a state of mind was similarly experienced by Solomon.

One can’t read this book in the Bible without seeing the sanctified erotica on display in this book. The Song of Solomon makes it clear that sex is far more than a means of reproduction, or an obligation which must be endured, or an event which should be avoided and not discussed.

Of course, it helps to have a husband like Solomon who brings gifts (1:11), builds a house to her liking (1:17), plans a honeymoon where she wants to go (4:8) and is so intent on pleasing her.

Solomon isn’t a selfish man. He nurtures. He cares.

Kevin Leman's book, Sex Begins in the Kitchen, advances the idea that sex doesn't begin at night with a compulsive can't-say-no-to-me husband; it begins in the morning at the breakfast table, with a cultivation of relationship.

It is estimated that ninety percent of affectionate touches should be nonsexual in nature. That would provide the needed environment for a woman to better enjoy sex.

Gary Smalley observed: When it comes to sex, men are more alike a microwave oven (instantly turned on) and women are more like a crock pot.⁴ It is the husband who needs to cheerfully adapt.

True, the wife who could care less about how she looks should adapt, too. Solomon’s wife was attentive to her appearance (Song of Solomon 4:11). So why, dear wife, should the M-R-S before your name stand for Miss Rummage Sale?

Such deterioration of dress prompted Lois Bird to offer a stinging rebuke to modern women when she says:

Take a look at nine out of ten women pushing carts in a supermarket. They look like survivors of a shipwreck wearing clothes distributed by the Red Cross...

The next time you go shopping, count the number of women you feel the average man would find sexy. The aisles of a supermarket offer ahorrifying potpourri of feminine ugliness.⁵

But how very different the example of Solomon's wife! She cares! She wouldn't go to bed with her head looking like an erector set and her face looking like she had been “prepped” by the Egyptians for mummy processing.

Dr. Willard Harley, in his book, His Needs, Her Needs, contends that a wife's physical attractiveness should be pursued not just as a preventive against an affair but for very positive reasons that will reward even her. He writes:

A wife's attractiveness is a vital ingredient to the success of her marriage, and any wife who ignores this notion—for whatever reasons—risks disaster. I do not prescribe a heavy cross for a woman, when I tell her this, because looking good makes a person feel good. Accepting the responsibility to maintain an attractive appearance for one's husband will only heighten a man's morale. 

When a wife sees the response of her husband to her new attractiveness, she feels satisfaction and accomplishment because she knows it meets one of his deep and basic needs. Her account in his love bank will get a substantial deposit every time he sees her.⁶

Biblically, a wife won't feel “used” and a husband won't feel “endured” because of a mismanaged sex life. Instead, husband and wife will enjoy what God wants them to enjoy. 

Notes:

1. Joyce J. Penner and Clifford L. Penner, Counseling For Sexual Disorders, (Waco: Word Books, 1990), p.6.

2. James Dobson, What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women, (Wheaton, Tyndale House Publishers, 1980), pp.96,97.

3. Ray C. Stedman, Family Life, (Waco: Word Books, 1976), p.16.

4. Gary Smalley and John Trent, The Keys To Growing In Love, (New York, Inspirational Press, 1996), p.336.

5. Joseph C. Dillow, Solomon On Sex, (Nashville, Camden, New York: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1977), pp.87-89.

6. Willard F. Harley Jr., His Needs, Her Needs, (Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revel, 1986), p.36.