Marriage

Lonely in Marriage

by J.W. Phillips
06/16/25
Not For Sale

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Lonely in Marriage

At the time most people got married, they were so much in love they couldn't imagine how their marriage would ever end up like so many of those "other" marriages they had seen. But now that the years have passed and some very different dynamics have settled in, they are having to acknowledge that what was there in the beginning of their marriage isn't exactly there now.

Call it normal. Call it maturity. Call it whatever you want. But the plain truth is that something has happened to their marriage. A dark cloud has appeared. A chill has settled in. Walls are being constructed.

While their marriage may not be on the rocks, and for them divorce isn't being seriously considered, it is true to say that nothing much is improving in their marriage. In fact, it really seems as if their marriage defined itself a long time ago and that now they're just in a mode where time is passing by.

So what exactly are these walls?

Well, for the wife it may be a grieving over lost affection. What she once received from her husband-to-be in such ample abundance is only a memory now. The phone calls, the notes, the flowers, the holding of hands—whatever happened to all of that? 

She's doing a lot more for him now than she ever did before, but she feels so much less appreciated. How she wishes for more of the care and affection she used to get! But all he wants, it seems, is warm food, clean clothes, and sex!

When she thinks back on those earlier days, she well remembers all those talks on the telephone while she was home—and, when on a date, how he could never get her home on time!

Why, back then they had so much to say—there just didn't seem to be enough hours in the day! Sometimes, she remembers, they would even talk until the sun came up!

But not anymore. The TV and newspaper have his attention now—as does his job, sports, and other competitions to marriage. And so, when told of his wife's desire for more communication, he'll respond with clipped answers, some "uh-huhs” or grunts, and maybe ever the totally insensitive reply: “You want to talk? Fine, talk. But can we please hurry up? My program is coming on. 

Walls... pretty high... very wide... extremely thick!

The husband well remembers when that girl who became his wife was so cute and bubbly! But she isn't that way anymore. Instead she always seems to be tired or, for some reason, emotionally withdrawn. She is often preoccupied with some time-consuming responsibility. But what he wants is to have someone to play with, someone with whom he can share recreation, and he just can't understand why she is so serious all the time.

Whatever happened to that girl who always used to make him feel so good? 

Another thing he wants is for her to admire him. To him, it would be so important to know that whenever the world is beating him up, there is one person in his corner who will always believe in him.

Instead, he comes home to ceaseless nagging, to a recitation of many shortcomings, or to wounded looks and condemning frowns—all of which makes him want to retreat even further into his cave! 

Oh, he knows that many of her complaints are justified and that most of her disappointments are grounded in fact. But that still doesn't remove his desire to have a wife who believes in him.

Walls! Walls that divide...walls that protect... walls that keep secrets. And is it possible that there are some walls like these in your marriage?

The one thing knowable about any person erecting walls in their marriage is that it is the self-life which is in operation and not the spirit. For had the spirit been in operation, the result would have been magnificent bridges and not all these gloomy walls.

Bringing down these walls—the uprooting of marital negatives—should be undertaken in the right way. We are not to ventilate. We are not to retaliate. We must focus instead on what to eliminate and what to cultivate.

Ephesians 4:31 identifies what to eliminate when it says, "Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.”

Interestingly, this is a passive voice statement, indicating the need for greater outside help. The reason being: The flesh can't reform itself; and it can never put into place those qualities only God's Spirit can produce. Therefore, we need God to undertake in this putting away.

Someone has said that marriage, like the law, reveals our flesh and therefore like the law it should bring us to Christ. For sure, nothing exposes the weaknesses of the flesh like marriage does. Because despite the magnetism of heart-pumping romance, what once sizzled soon fizzled, providing an all-too-clear picture of what the flesh is like: It may want, it may promise, it may try and try and try again—but it just can't deliver!

Flesh removal requires turning our life over to Jesus.

Let him undertake.

Eliminate the vices cited in Ephesians 4:31 in his power.

Cultivate the virtues cited in Ephesians 4:32 in his power: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.”

As you consider each of these virtues, do you think that, if implemented, these would go along way to getting you marriage back on track? 

Robert Frost once observed that high fences make good neighbors. That may be so, but they make lousy marriages. This is why in marriage God wants all barriers to come down.

Life behind these walls has been miserable, lonely even. Instead of oneness, there is a distinct splitting off: He's living in his own world, with his own thoughts and desires—and she's been abandoned to live in her world!

This splitting off may express itself through a closed spirit: the turning of one's back whenever the spouse comes to bed, or a pouting sullenness immediately visible when one sees the other, or a deliberate, over-extended busyness, a giving up of one commitment in order to invest in another.

Marriage becomes secondary. Isolation defines the marriage.

Dr. Phillip Zimbardo, a professor of psychology at Stanford University, said in Psychology Today: "I know of no more potent killer than isolation.”

It can be said that isolation—beginning small and like cancer growing greater—is the number one killer of marriage. Divorce is simply the final product of prolonged isolation.

Edward R. Murrow once said, “The obscure we see eventually, the completely apparent takes longer.” Unfortunately, there's a certain amount of obtuseness in most of us.

Hopefully, though, it is now apparent to you that the drifting and distancing in marriage, that the loneliness and isolation behind those walls, must come to an end.

And they will, if you will come to Jesus and let him help you put it away.