Leadership

Unfriendly Churches—Leadership’s Role

by J.W. Phillips
04/07/25
Not For Sale

  Message Writer
  Hire Writer

Tweet

Have you ever visited a church where not one person greeted you? If so, you can easily remember the scene as you entered the church that day.

Anticipating a greeting from either an official-looking usher or an especially friendly church member, you stood and waited, looking first one way and then another. But when no usher appeared and each church member walked right past you, you then realized you were going to have to navigate on your own.

This you eventually did, trying not to get run over by those so determined to sit where they always sit that they never noticed you.

How ominous that steely-eyed look from little old ladies!
With hurried pace, they were on a not-so-godly mission: Why, no one had better get their seats!

At the conclusion of the service, this same scene—amazingly, unbelievably! —repeated itself, in that not a soul said a word to you!

At the time you were departing this church, you were thinking that, surely, somewhere between the place where you sat and the place where you parked your car, someone would stop to greet you.

As it turned out, no one ever did.

Consequently, you drove away that day with the certain knowledge you would never visit this church again.

In reflecting on an experience like this, it's almost past belief that a group of believers could be this cold to a visitor.

Even more sad is that God’s “frozen chosen” may not get thawed out until they make it into Heaven!

The threatening forecast for this church predicts a lot of other visitors will come and get the same treatment.

Did you realize the Bible commands us to greet one another? Words of welcome are nice, we know, but so nice as to warrant five commands?

To offset the unfriendly image we just described, many churches will station greeters at the front door.

A.W. Tozer wrote, “Some churches train their greeters and ushers to smile, showing as many teeth as possible. But I can sense that kind of display—and when I am greeted by a man who is smiling because he has been trained to smile, I know I am shaking the flipper of a trained seal.”

More discrediting still is the fact the same people who flashed big smiles when you entered the church will have blank faces when you leave.

You can leave the church, look at them when doing so—and there’s nothing! The friendliness is gone! Why? Because their official greeting responsibilities ended! They’re off stage! Their performance is over!

We would be inaccurate to pin the failure to be friendly only on greeters. The congregation deserves a good share of the blame.

But all too often they may not even be aware of the problem! They think they have a friendly church!

And perhaps they do—with themselves! But not with newcomers!

As soon as the service ends, they’re not looking for visitors to welcome; they’re absorbed in conversations among themselves.

Another indictment applicable here is that the same people who tune out visitors so they can chat with church members will also choose not to join church members in a biblical fellowship where more meaningful conversations occur.

Their profile on this issue?

Chatting, yes. 
Fellowship, no. 
Hospitality to visitors, no.

What a church!

Yet, blaming the congregation still would not give a complete picture. The failure goes all the way to the top. It is church leadership that should have done more to solve this problem.

In another posted article, I addressed the need for spiritual gift workshops. Among the spiritual gifts to be developed and deployed are hospitality, mercy, and evangelism. Each of these gifts can contribute uniquely to a church on a mission to welcome newcomers.

However, leadership must know who these people are—and train them.

If we were we to cut out some of the chatting and act more like church, what might that look like?

Well, in addition to those who welcome people coming through the front door, will be some other people, already trained and accessible, who extend the front-door greeting by a bit more conversation after the visitor comes through the front door.

They won't swarm and smother. What follows are casual, friendly attempts to honor the visitor, seeking to learn more about him, or her, or them. Nothing too probative. Just honest conveying of interest.

Hopefully, some of what is shared in this conversation will yield a clue that suggests to whom this visitor can be introduced to next. Maybe, with permission, this could happen immediately, or maybe, as soon as the worship service is over, the greeter will bring to this visitor another person or couple to welcome them.

Actually, there is more time to talk after worship than before. We must not overlook this opportunity!

Known by the greeter from the training received, the next conversation proposed will be with someone selected based on such criteria as age, gender, family size, similarity of geographical background, vocation, identified interests, unique circumstances, proximity of neighborhoods, etc.

While furthering this connection, it would be good if this next conversation included an invitation to visit a Sunday School class or some other upcoming church event. There is more to say on how and how not to do this.

Of course, listening well is important. And this includes learning and remembering names. There is training for this.

Paying attention to the intangibles of facial expressions and body language is also important. Sensitivity to the visitor is paramount.

Again, being natural, casual, and friendly are essential. We don’t want to be too aggressive.

Greeters aren't car salesmen. The car salesman is Johnny-on-the-spot quick to greet with a smile—and an agenda! We don't want this.

The effective greeter isn't one programmed to speak: say this, say that; but is more focused on listening, connecting, showing interest. People can tell the difference between being schmoozed and being warmly welcomed.

There is, I agree, an overarching agenda. But it is one that can be pursued in a genuine, godly way.

Studies show that seven introductions secure a high retention rate—which means successfully folding newcomers into their new church family!

This agenda of seven introductions may not be met during the first two visits. Most likely, it won’t be. The pacing needs to be guided by sensitivity and wisdom.

Though briefly described, can you see why an approach like this might just change the impression of an unfriendly church?

Too often churches focus on first-time visitors in their greeting approach and don't strategize as they should for second-time visitors. That second time visit is very important!

To be greeted well on the first visit only to experience a sharp drop-off of interest on the second leaves an unfavorable impression. The visitor may then question how genuine the first greeting was.

The seven-introduction-goal agenda serves to avoid this problem. The succession of prior greetings wasn't a hand-off. These same people will be available on subsequent Sundays.

Unlike the greeters who played a role and then dropped the friendliness routine once they were off duty, the initial greeting will be followed up by an even warmer welcome. Made that way because we now know more about this visitor, and have been praying for this person during the week.