Marriage

Restoring Health in Our Marriages

by Janice S Ramkissoon 
02/19/25
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“Catch all the foxes, those little foxes, before they ruin the vineyard of love, for the grapevines are blossoming!” (Song of Solomon 2:15)

No, we didn’t have the conversation, it’s all in my head. Thankfully, I’m a writer and can have this conversation with anyone who would like to hear my thoughts. Let’s have the conversation. Actually, we can’t right now. Dinner is in preparation. So, here’s what I’ll do:

I’ll share my thoughts and let you decide what to do with the information.

Based on the barrage of complaints in my head and those my family have been exposed to, as I verbalise my displeasure or disappointments, I have come to recognise that I had no idea what I was getting myself involved in when I said ‘I do!’ Actually, I didn’t know what I was doing when I agreed to marriage.

In the early stages of airing my complaints, I was unaware that it was being received as complaining. I thought I was sharing how I felt about situations. There I learned that I didn’t really know how to effectively communicate my needs. My husband made me aware of the complaining and though trying very hard, I’ve been failing at keeping the complaints out of my conversations.

I think it’s a conversational style I’ve developed without realising it wasn’t the best way to be heard or get my needs met.

Now conscious of his displeasure and disapointment in me complaining, I decided to do some research to understand why I do the things I do such as complaining. What are the needs behind the complaints?

While searching for resources to help me grow in my own marriage, I came across similar complaints to mine. It then dawned on me that the kind of relationship many couples have is similar to ours. We don't know how to have the conversation. They, like us, have entered into marriage without understanding what marriage really is and how to relate to each other.

It is my firm belief that in the eyes of many couples, marriage boils down to simply getting married. Believing that the rest will come naturally. That means that all the preparations go into the wedding day itself and not the marriage. They get married and that’s it! They have arrived. Cool! Hard work is done. Now we’ll live happily ever after.

Then when reality strikes we find ourselves on the battlefield.

What that reveals, based on the research as well as the journey my husband and I have been on, thus far, is that most people thought that getting married (i.e. the wedding day) was the destination.

What came to me on Sunday 16th February 2025, is that many couples, either lack the knowledge or do not believe in doing the work of maintaining or repairing the marriage. For that reason, the marriage eventually suffers, due to neglectful behaviour. 

Whenever that neglect is highlighted, the need for repair may not be seen as a priority. It may not be seen as a necessary part of the marriage maintenance. Therefore, moving on without addressing the problem, can become the norm, with the belief that forward movement is taking place when really and truly it is a case of those couples choosing to remain stuck. The position of stagnation or remaining stuck comes from not having the tools to deal with the existing problems. It can also be the result of making a choice not to deal with those problems.

Not dealing with the problems arising, simply means they have been swept under the rug. That can sometimes mean, putting them on the back burner, with no intention of returning to it, while anxiety takes the place of problem-solving. It can sometimes manifest itself in the casting of blames, instead of taking responsibility for actions. Hence, the belief that, "I don't need to take action, it's all up to my spouse."

What eventually happens is that the problems keep coming up, time and time again. The cycle is repeated and little by little spouses drift apart, as the repetitive nature of the ineffective way of dealing with problems cause erosion in the marriage. While neglecting to maintain the marriage and emotionally repair injuries, those couples are effectively, choosing not to show the love of God to each other.

To correct this ungodly behaviour in our marriages, I believe several questions must be asked of self, including:

Why do we do the things we do?

Why are we sabotaging our own happiness/ fruitfulness / future?

What is the reasoning behind the fears hindering us from dealing with the issues we face in our marriage?

We may need the help of a therapist/counsellor to unpack those questions and provide resources/tools to help with the process of migration from apathy to action and finally experiencing health in the marriage. Having a thriving marital relationship should be the aim at this junction of the marriage.

To all my brothers and sisters who are married, I would like to encourage you to join us in making this year, the year of action. Let’s renew our vows privately with each other and/or publicly if you’re celebrating a milestone and chose to renew your vows. Then allow for healing and restoration to take place. Give your marriage an injection of life. Allow your marriage to thrive.

Repentance and forgiveness must be exercised in our marriages as part of the process of maintenance. We are human beings and while here on earth, in fleshly bodies (earthen vessels), we will continue to hurt each other. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, when we cause hurt we must do the repair work. Maintenance must be intentional. Otherwise, years will pass before some neglectful behaviours are recognised. Those are the little foxes that spoils the vineyard.

To keep our marriages healthy:

We must be purposeful and intentional.

We must do the hard work in planning for the marriage we desire.

We must set goals and work towards achieving them.

If expectations were not made at the start, pause, and have the conversation that leads to stating/making those expectations known.

Healthy living comes at a cost. It takes discipline. To have a thriving marriage in the future, we must choose to do the hard work in the here and now. What will it be: The hard work of maintaining the marriage through purposeful dating of your spouse and growth in developing our conversational style etc. or the hard work of regret, in the future, of a broken heart from the loss of something that could have been a beautiful thing?

God wants to use our marriages to express His love. Love to our spouses and our children (our closest neighbours); love to our spiritual family; love to all who are connected to us (loving our neighbours as ourselves). See Luke 10:27.

Take action to repair the damage and restore the health of your marriage.

Matthew 19:3-6 helps us to understand the importance of this:

Some Pharisees came and tried to trap him with this question: “Should a man be allowed to divorce his wife for just any reason?” 

“Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’” 5 And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’

Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”

So, let nothing and no one come between you and your spouse. Take action to repair the damage and restore the health in your marriage.

Go live a thriving married life!

Enjoy the beauty of becoming one!

“...let no one split apart what God has joined together.”

(Matthew 19:6)

© 2025 J. S. Ramkissoon