Family

How to Handle a Woman

by J.W. Phillips
02/12/25
Not For Sale
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How to Handle a Woman

Valentines Day is coming up, and, for some couples, there have been a lot of them.

 At the time most people got married, they were so much in love they couldn't imagine how their marriage would ever end up like those “other” marriages they had seen.

But now that several years have passed and some very different dynamics have settled in, they have to acknowledge that what was there in the beginning isn't there now.

Call it normal. Call it maturity. Call it whatever you want. But the truth is, their marriage does have problems. Not overly serious ones. It’s more like—

a gray cloud, not a dark cloud;
a chill, not a freeze;
some weeds, not walls;
first aid is the need, not major surgery.

At this point, there’s no animosity, no indifference, no entrenched stubbornness. In fact, they still like each other … most of the time.

But it seems as though their marriage defined itself a long time ago, and that now they're in a mode (okay, in a rut) where time is passing by.

Yet, what may be statistically normal isn’t scripturally acceptable.

The erosion that takes place with any new car, appliance, or some other material product shouldn’t be deemed normal in a marriage.

Taking a little trip down memory lane, I remember, still, as if it were yesterday, watching adults socialize outside the church after a worship service.

I was only in middle school at the time, but I thought to myself: Would a newcomer, seeing what I see, be able to guess to whom each person in this group is married?

Yeah, I know, strange kid. Nevertheless, by looking, I couldn’t tell.

The gleam of eye, tone of voice, and other affectionate clues—holding hands, arm around the shoulder, physical nearness—well, those clues weren’t there!

The only way I could tell if two of them were married was when they were scolding the same kid.

Comparing courtship behaviors with marriage behaviors can be unrealistic, perhaps. Yet, it would still be good if they could remember how they used to act.

The main reason the sweetness of marriage, the vitality of marriage, has diminished is because they quit doing what they used to do.

It doesn’t have to remain that way.

Scripture speaks of little foxes that spoil the vine (Song of Solomon 2:15).

Not the ferocious tiger with a leap and a pounce.

Not the conquering lion with a rip and a roar.

Something smaller. The baby teeth of a small fox—biting the bark, nibbling the leaves, chewing the branches—a nuisance.

But if the nuisance compounds, it spoils.

One spoiler in marriage is increasing neglect.

There are moments when a wife thinks she's doing a lot more for her husband now than she did before, and yet feels much less appreciated.

How she wishes for more of the care and consideration that she used to get!

Couldn’t a good husband upgrade that a bit? Couldn’t he plan ways for improvement?

He sets goals and plans at work; couldn’t he transfer that skill to marriage?

Here’s another spoiler that invites a retrospective look: the long talks they used to have. What happened to those? Why is there no more joy in discovering each other today?

Do couples think they already know each other that well?

They don’t. And they can prove to themselves they don’t with a little creativity.

One way to learn more, and appreciate each other more, is: When a situation surfaces (such as a scene from a movie or a behavior observed next door), ask how this sort of thing was faced during childhood or teen years.

By asking, you will hear stories you’ve never heard before. And you’ll get insights into the influences that shaped your mate’s personality you never had before.

Your relationship in marriage doesn’t have to devolve from soul mate to stalemate.

But it seems that the TV and newspaper have the husband’s attention now. When asking her husband for some time to talk, the wife gets either clipped answers, some “uh-huhs” or grunts, or cut-off answers: “You want to talk? Fine, talk. But can we please hurry it up? My program is coming on!”

Oh, my! That’s not good.

I Peter 3:7 says the husband is to dwell with his wife with understanding.

Some men, still stuck in idiocy, may pop off saying, “Who can understand a woman?! Women are so unpredictable!"

Joke, joke—chuckle, belly laugh!

If God says we are to understand our wife, then with God’s help we can, and we must understand her.

Before insisting otherwise, husbands, might you find—when assessing this situation in a more objective frame of mind—that your efforts have been less than admirable?

It may be that you have never put this assignment high on your agenda. Weeks and months pass without the first thought about gaining a better understanding of your wife.

This decline of meaningful conversations is made because of one of two mistakes: 1) You either think the assignment is impossible (it isn’t); or 2) you think that by living in the same house for many years desired understanding will automatically happen (it won’t).

There’s a need to plan, to purpose, to pursue this understanding.

In this quest for gaining a better understanding of her, a husband could ask his wife how she thinks he’s doing and how she would like for him to improve.

Yes, ask.

Then listen.

Take what she says to heart.

Change.

I Peter 3:7 also instructs husbands to be giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel.”

Husbands, you know how you would act if you were attempting to honor someone. So is there a big gap between that approach and what is typically true with how you treat your wife?

If so, can you start shifting your approach?

Very much related to this command to honor your wife is Scripture’s words comparing her to a “weaker vessel.”

When interpreting these words, skip the stereotypical talk about how women can’t control their emotions, and how fragile they are. That’s not true. Often, they are stronger than men are when it comes to bearing pain or remaining steadfast in a difficult situation.

What this description really conveys is the image of fine China: something expensive, valuable, worthy of special care and preferential placement.

How to handle a woman?

Don’t handle her, honor her.

Love her.

The Broadway musical Camelot features a song, “How to Handle a Woman.”

King Arthur, in a pensive mood while reflecting on the mysteries of his marriage with Guinevere, concludes by singing, “love her, simply love her.”

In the musical, that line is repeated again and again. And so it should be, by both word and deed, in marriage.

We might dismiss the words of a musical, but Scripture says, “Husbands, love your wives,” (Ephesians 5:25).

Show that you value her. Care enough to discover what pleases her and what better meets her needs.