Humor

I Thought She Said, “Doughnut”

by James Snyder 
11/02/24
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As hard as I try, and believe me I try, I don’t always hear correctly, especially regarding The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage. I don’t always hear every word she says.

I know God gave me two ears and only one mouth, but I must confess I use my mouth a lot more than I use my ears, which has created problems.

I have worked on this problem for a very long time, and it just seems to be getting worse. Maybe I should quit working.

You would think that as long as I’ve been married, I would have somehow adjusted to this hearing situation.

The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage once set me up and said, “Did you hear what I just said?”

“Oh, yes, my dear, I heard you clearly.”

Then she said, “Well then, what do you think I should do?”

At this point, I knew she was trying to set me up because she knew I wasn’t listening, but I had to respond. Believe me, I was nervous.

“Oh, my dear, I think your idea is splendid. Go with it.”

Then she got up, walked to the kitchen, and says, “Okay, then it’s broccoli for supper.”

Now I’m in a pickle, and I’m not quite sure what to do. Why didn’t I hear the word “Broccoli”? I was very suspicious.

The other day, she asked if I would go to the grocery store and pick up a few items. She rarely asked me to go and get some groceries, so I wasn’t quite sure what to do, but I said yes. What else could I say?

I went to the store, checked off every item on the list, and went to the checkout line when I remembered she told me something after giving me the list. I tried to think of what it was, and then it came to me. She mentioned something about doughnuts. I think she wants me to get her some doughnuts. That made me smile.

I pushed the cart to where the doughnuts were and looked at all those wonderfully delicious donuts. How can anyone pick just one? I spent an awful lot of time going through every donut, I couldn’t find one I didn’t like, and I didn’t know what exactly to do.

Finally, I picked one, went to the checkout counter, paid for the items, and then got in my truck to go home.

I was very happy as I drove home because I usually don’t get things done exactly the way she likes them. I drove into the driveway, parked my truck, and went inside with the bag of groceries.

Walking through the door, I shouted, “Honey, I’m home.” I placed the bag on the kitchen counter, and with a huge smile, and went to my easy chair, waiting to be congratulated by The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage for a job well done.

It wasn’t long until she entered the kitchen, and I heard her say, “What is this?”

I had no idea what she was talking about, but as she walked over to me, she was holding the box of donuts. “What is this?”

Looking at her with a big smile, I said, “Oh, my dear, those are the donuts you asked me to get. Remember?”

She went back into the kitchen. I heard her going through the grocery bag. Then she came back and handed me the grocery list she had given me and said, “Where do you see donuts on this list I asked you to get?”

I was a little confused, so I said, “Don’t you remember as I was leaving you told me to get doughnuts?”

“I said no such thing. What I said was, Do Not get anything that is not on this list.”

Oh boy, was I in trouble? All I heard was the word “doughnut,” which got me into trouble.

She stood there staring at me as I looked at the list, and I did not know what was next. Looking at her, I said, “Do you want me to return the donuts?”

I never saw her look so confused as at that moment. I’m not sure you can return donuts, but I could see she was processing the whole situation, and I was in a position where I couldn’t help her solve this problem.

At that time, one of our daughters stopped to drop off something in The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage and said, “Here, would you like a box of donuts to take home?”

The daughter laughingly said, “Of course I would. Thank you.”

When she handed the box of donuts to our daughter, my wife glanced at me with one of her smiles. I wanted to smile back but couldn’t find any muscles on my face that could create a smile.

That afternoon I was reading my Bible and came across a verse that encouraged me.

“To whom shall I speak, and give warning, that they may hear? behold, their ear is uncircumcised, and they cannot hearken: behold, the word of the Lord is unto them a reproach; they have no delight in it” (Jeremiah 6:10).

I believe it takes all of the Bible to make it the Word of God. I can’t cherry-pick what I want to believe. If I only hear part of the Bible, I will get it wrong and bear the consequences. All heresy is built on fragments of the Bible.