Humor

How Can I Get My Sneeze Back?

by James Snyder 
09/28/24
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I've had a lot of health issues during this past year, and now that I seem to be over them, something else has taken their place.

I have had a sneezing fit for the past two weeks that I've never experienced before. Every time I sneeze, it is in triplets. I don't know why I have to sneeze three times, and I have tried to keep myself from sneezing three times, but so far, I lost that battle.

Once, when I started to sneeze, I closed my mouth, which was a mistake because everything came out of my nose. That was not a very pretty sight.

Sneezing may become more of an issue as you age. I know it's a big issue for me, and I'm confused about how to deal with it.

The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage says I must have some allergy. I confided in her that the only allergy I have is broccoli. I tell her that I have one of my sneezing fits every time she eats broccoli.

Whether it's true or not is immaterial. It's just something I can use against her when she complains about my sneezing fits.

I've been trying to figure out how to make something good out of these sneezing fits, and so far, I have failed. When I get close to a solution, I have one of my sneezing fits and forget what I was thinking about.

Just thinking about my sneezing fits makes me sneeze.

The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage told me, "Be careful, you might sneeze your brains out." Then she laughed.

I responded, "Oh, my dear you're too late for that. I've already sneezed my brains out."

Obviously, brains aren't as important as I thought they were.

I have been sneezing for about two weeks, and it seems to be getting worse. Not only do I sneeze, but with the sneeze comes some disgusting phlegm. Several times, the whole front of my shirt was soaked in that disgusting phlegm. Unfortunately, The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage is the first to see it, and she always responds in the negative.

I have to be careful where I'm standing when a sneeze hits. There are no warnings about the sneeze, and if I'm facing somebody when I sneeze, well, you know the rest of the story.

I'll get through it as long as I don't sneeze in the direction of The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage.

This past week, we were at a restaurant to celebrate something. I'm unsure what we were celebrating, but it doesn't matter. We were having a great time, but I was still in that sneezing fit—sneezing all the time.

I try to be very careful when sneezing because I don't want to sneeze on someone, particularly The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage. But when a sneeze comes, it surprises me and those around me.

We were at a restaurant, ordered our meal, and were in the middle of eating our meal, and it was a wonderful time together. I forget what I ordered, but whatever it was, it was delicious, and I enjoyed it.

Right in the middle of eating my meal, I had a sneezing fit. I've had some practice with these sneezing fits, and I knew I needed to be careful which direction I was looking. Because I was seated across the table from The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage, when I started sneezing, it would've been in her direction.

Knowing that would not be a very good thing to do, I immediately turned my head to the right and sneezed three times. At the time, my mouth was full of what I was eating, and it all came spewing out.

The worst thing about that sneezing fit was I was facing our waitress and I got my sneezing fit all over the front of her. Oh boy! Was I in trouble. At least I didn't sneeze it in my wife's direction or that might've been the end of my sneezing fits for the rest of my life.

At the time, I didn't know what to do because the front of that waitress was full of yucky, sneezing phlegm. What do you do in a situation like that?

I apologized and asked her if there was anything I could do to help. She looked at me and said, "No, you've done enough already." Then she walked away to the back of the restaurant.

I don't know when I was more humiliated than at that time. But when I sat back and regained some control of myself, I realized that there were customers all around, and all of them saw exactly what I did. I just felt like everybody in that restaurant was staring at me.

It's not that I don't like attention; I'm just not too fond of this kind of attention.

I leaned across the table and asked The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage, "Do you know how I can take back that sneeze?" She just looked at me and then looked down at her plate. That's the first time I remember that she couldn't figure out a solution to a problem.

I then thought about a Bible verse, Romans 8:28. “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”

No matter my problem, if I trust God I can get through it.