Humor

Idiots Make Me Look Good, So Says the Boss

by James Snyder 
02/10/24
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Often, I get agitated by people I call "idiots." I don't have an inclusive definition for what an idiot really is; I just use the word carelessly.

Especially is this true when I'm out in the neighborhood driving around. Sometimes, I'm in such a nervous frenzy when I get home, I have to sit down and drink some coffee. Often it takes 3 cups of coffee just to get my nerves to where they need to be.

Normally, I am a relatively cool, collected kind of person. Not much upsets me, and I don't get mad very easily. But driving a vehicle out in the world today is sometimes more than I can handle.

I’m not sure if it’s just my age, but I don’t remember so many idiots driving when I was younger. Thinking about this for a moment, I wonder if somebody thought I was an idiot when driving?

Often, on some of these trips, The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage will be along. Some driver will do something rather stupid, cut in front of me, and I will utter, "What's wrong with that idiot?"

I can't remember how often we drove past an accident, which probably resulted from some idiot driving as idiots drive.

When it comes to idiots out on the highway, there is no gender, racial, or age difference. It seems that idiots come in all flavors.

Occasionally, while driving down the highway, along comes a motorcycle weaving in and out and passing us. Sitting in the seat of that motorcycle is some old geezer laughing and giggling. I wonder if he forgot his meds that morning or maybe there was something more than coffee in his coffee that morning?

One thing is sure: they drive like idiots. I wonder if there is a training school for idiots?

One time while driving, we had a conversation that went along the line of me asking The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage, "How do these idiots get a driver's license?"

Looking at me once, she said something to the effect, "Those idiots get a driver's license the same way you get yours."

I don't know what she meant by that, and I never asked her to explain.

Another place idiots are sure to show up is in places like Wal-Mart. My warning is, you better watch where you walk in Wal-Mart. How those cashiers deal with all those idiots is above my pay scale.

Recently, The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage and I spent the day traveling for some errands we had to do, and boy, the idiots were out in full force. Several times, we came close to having an accident. The fact that we got home safe was a real miracle.

During that drive, I was a little more agitated by these idiots than ever before. I just complained from one end to the other end about all these idiots and why they did so many stupid things.

At the height of my ranting, The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage said, "Instead of ranting about these idiots, you should be thankful for them."

"What? Why would I ever be thankful for some idiot?" That was a strange remark even for her.

I saw the smile on her face, and I think I heard her chuckle, but I'm not quite sure about that. Then she said something even stranger. "Just think about it. All of these idiots on the road make you look good."

I had to stop and think about that one. I never thought of it like that, and it took me quite a while to process it.

As the silence lengthened, she then said, "If it wasn't for all of these idiots driving like they do, nobody would recognize what a wonderful driver you are. For that you should be thankful."

At this point, I wondered if she was complimenting me or setting me up for something else. I have learned through the years that she knows how to control a situation.

"After all," she said, "you've only had one accident in your life and that was when some idiot ran into you."

I had to think about that for a moment, and then I recalled that accident about ten years ago. I was driving down the main street, and somebody pulled out from the side street without stopping and collided with me. That person at the time was on her cell phone and didn't see me.

"And think about this," she continued. "If it wasn't for idiots driving on the road what in the world would lawyers do to make money?"

Believe me that thought never crossed my mind, and I had to admit that she had something there.

Sometimes, I think all of these idiots out there are a hazard to real life. But then, The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage had a point. These idiots make the rest of us look normal. Nobody would recognize how good we are in our driving skills if it wasn't for them.

Let me just say, “Thank you idiots.”

Recently I ran across a Bible verse that troubled me. It was Proverbs 26:4, “Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him.”

To answer an idiot I have to come down to his level, which makes me an idiot. I have a higher standard to live by; it is the Word of God.