Grief

Olivia's Heartbeat Part 2

by Janice S Ramkissoon 
10/16/23
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At the time of losing Olivia, I didn’t think about how my husband felt. He didn’t share those feelings with me until recently when we began having deeper conversations about the loss. Over the years we would address the topic of loss but it was mainly based on my feelings and the lack of support we’ve had dealing with each of the losses. It took revisiting the topic each year for us to arrive at this point on the journey.

In October 2022, we attended a baby memorial service, for the first time to commemorate each of the babies we didn’t get to hold in our arms. We were also gifted a teddy bear for each loss by Aching Arms. And we lit a candle for each baby we lost and a separate one for all our friends and relatives who have lost a child.

Conceiving a child together as a couple brought with it the excitement of evolving into a family. It was a devastating blow to then learn that we no longer had the privilege of taking that baby home. There was sadness and disappointment to realise that we would not be getting the opportunity to train them up to become well rounded men and women who get to live their lives to the fullest of potential.

Those feelings intensified with each subsequent miscarriage and like many other couples, we suffered in silence trying to make sense of the chaos while trying to ‘be strong’ for each other.

Many times the men are the most affected mentally and emotionally as they try to hide their pain, while trying to care for their spouses who are dealing with the physical and psychological symptoms of losing the baby. If you are such a one, please, please, please take advantage of the various resources available to you. It just might save a life! That life could be yours, your spouse or a loved one. It may give you or your spouse the necessary respite needed to help you regain your equilibrium and save your relationship.

Reflecting on Olivia’s heartbeat disappearing, brought me back to the beginning -- standing at the wedding altar and the promises made to each other as well as the promise, from those attending the wedding, to walk with us on the journey. We’ve had many join us in celebrating the joyous moments on the journey. It was easy to send out an invitation to celebrate with us. However, we soon recognise that we didn’t know how to invite them into our sorrowful moments, it wasn’t something we learnt growing up so at the point of experiencing our first personal loss, we didn’t know what to do. We had no point of reference!

As we continue on this journey we’ve also noticed that when it comes to the sorrowful moments, only certain forms of grief is acknowledged. Unfortunately, miscarriage is not one of them. It seems to be one of those ‘elephants’ in the room you dare not mention. So, in sharing pieces of our story, my desire is that it will spark the conversation between couples, at the least, and bring back the spark they had before losing their precious little one.

We haven’t totally emerged from the ashes of the various losses we’ve endured in the marriage. However, it has been six years since our last miscarriage and we are better informed and equipped with the relevant tools where ‘Baby Loss’ is concerned. We’ve gained access to helpful resources and we are now able to start taking baby steps towards living again.

If you are dealing with this form of loss, I am so sorry that you are having to endure this painful episode and season. I pray that my sharing will help you to start the conversation and move towards seeking the necessary help to move forward. You do not need to travel this path alone! Help is available! You are important! You are valuable! You are worth getting the support you need to get you moving forward again. The choice before you is always life or death. Please don't give up! Choose life today! Get up tomorrow and repeat the process and keep doing that each day.




Life and death has been set before us, according to Due. 30:19-20, let's keep choosing life! We've got the power in us (See Phil. 4:13) to help us make that choice over and over again. Weeping may endure for a night (Ps. 30:5) and your night may be much longer than anticipated but joy truly does come in the morning. Allow the grief to run its course so you can enjoy the morning season when it arrives.

End of Part 2.
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Written as part of 'Baby Loss Awareness' Week 2023 (09-15 October)