Grief

My Abba Showed Up Part 3

by Janice S Ramkissoon 
08/02/23
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“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18).

Why was I going in cycles?

I recognised that moving from one country to another was one of the hindrances to my healing. There was lack of understanding, due to cultural differences, and also based on the fact that none of the people I was doing life with knew me well enough to understand the journey I had been on and hence, my pain.

The very thing I struggled with, no one wanted me to talk about. My pain would be dismissed and I would quickly be shut down. No one was willing to hear me out, they assumed they knew where it was heading and they added to the pain I was travelling with. So, after years of trying without success, I learned to keep it to myself and ponder those things in my heart.

I then told myself that parental neglect is just not a topic to address in church circles. That’s just too close to home when the topic of ‘ineffective leadership’ is the thorn in my flesh. The anger heard in my voice and through my complaints from the negative consequences I was having to deal with, from being a child who grew up without a father, was often responded to with: “You must forgive…” or I would have a lecture starting and/or ending with “Honour your father and your mother!”

There were differences in understanding/ interpretations of God's instructions. That caused much disappointment, discouragement and unresolved conflict which added to the pain I was already enduring from the unrecognised trapped grief.



I began to feel rejected all over again.

I felt that no one really cared about the person -- the wounded soul that needed saving. There was simply an expectation that as a Christian my only response to the cross was to be available to serve wherever there was a vacancy in the activities of the church. 

However, that would clash whenever there was a need in the church that was presented before me. My gifts were given for the edification of the church (Eph. 4:12). Therefore, putting the needs of the individual over the activity would always take priority for me.

What was indirectly translated to me was that I should put the needs of others before my own and somehow, without doing the hard work of dealing with the pain of my past, it would disappear and I would become whole. No one took the time to get to know me as an individual so that they could both gain understanding and help point me in the right direction.

They were unaware of the work God was doing in my life. For that reason, they made inaccurate judgements about me. My complaints were never seen as a cry for help. They were simply received as criticisms and worse a broken record they had become immune to.

I didn't have an understanding that my frustrations came from not being fulfilled which was a direct result of not operating within my calling/purpose.  Anger birthed out of that discontentment with life from lack of direction and no earthly leaders helping me to find my way, found me surrendering to the grief.

I got stuck at anger zone and grief became a dear friend accepting me at Grief Station. 

I was blinded by grief but my Abba showed up and now I can see:

Three days after the stone was rolled away from the tomb I was trapped in, my eyes were opened to see that I had embraced Grief Station as my home.

Today, I am feeling hopeful, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.


This morning's devotional piece from UCB's Word for Today continued from where I left off:

"God's Word neither ignores nor minimises the painful realities of life. Inevitably, we and our loved ones will experience life's losses: illness, ageing, death, divorce, disability, loss of independence, unemployment, financial reversals, etc."

"And our heartache gives those around us opportunity to respond, offering the Comfort and reassurance we need to begin healing. This is God's protocol for healing broken hearts."

"So take the time you need to do the work of mourning your losses because Jesus said 'Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted' (Matt 5.4 KJV)"

Today, I begin to rewrite my story, with God’s Word, for His glory!

© 2023, J. S. Ramkissoon