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Musing on a future newscast-
Today's hour of the news is brought to you by BOLAVAX, A division of Pharmakia Emporium, makers of ENCHANTUS, and LEMMINGENEXIS.
"Let them enchant YOU with their new Powerful, cleansing, transforming and joyfully sedating products!"
And don't forget to try their popular new vitamin defused soft drink, EUGENICIDER.
Now here's our lovely news person, Jen Bender.
Ummm... Jen? ... JEN! ... JEN!!
Whaa... wait... Oh ....
Thanks Merl. There is a large gathering of protesters gathered in Omaha this morning. They are protesting the Government Regulators' new, shocking law, that bans the pharmaceutical infusion of product into beer and softdrinks.
A spokesperson for the government agency, KUSS, had this to say:
"We are sorry for any disturbance and inconvenience this new law might bring to the public. But we at K.U.S.S. feel that too much of ANYTHING, even some good things like OUR pharmaceuticals can sometimes cause certain issues that our Homeland is just not prepared to handle at this time. So for the immediate future, this is the reason for our new law. Remember, we at K.U.S.S work very hard to Keep Us Safely Sedated."
Our roving field reporter, Ben Dover is live on the scene, Ben:
Thanks Jender, we have quite a raucous and angry crowd here in Omaha. I didn't see it myself, Jen, but I am hearing reports that twelve to thirteen protestors actually attempted to get up out of their iCHAIRS. And I'm hearing that as many as three of the radicals were successful. One of these protestors was even, I was told... but we are still awaiting confirmation on this... but one of these radical protestors, reportedly was screaming loudly and was then rolled off to prison. I am also hearing that three other radical protestors were rolled off, for... I'm still not clear on these allegations, but it was for either raising their voices or their arms, or maybe both... maybe even yelling. Sheesh! A tragic thing for the innocent bysitters to have to witness. I'll let you know when I get the final police report on that.
But clearly a very unhappy crowd here in Omaha today,Jender."
Thanks Ben.
Now for a quick message from a local sponsor... Merl...
Thanks Jen.
Hola! all of you various pronouns. This is Merlin Sans Hormono Paradisio. But you might know me as just plain old Merl. I'm here at your local SorcererSmart to tell you of a great new product. Have you been feeling a little too lively lately? Like your gottup and went, has a little too much gettup and go? Well you can roll on in to your local SorcererSmart anytime, day or night, 7 days a week. To try this great new, throw-you-down drink that everyone is tweeting about. If you liked MIKE'S HARD LEMONADE, you are absolutely going to love ADAM'S HARD APPLE EUGENOCIDER. So, roll on in and give it a try. After all, everyone, what have you got left to gain? Back to you!
Thanks for that Merlin.
Still, the bad news continues on throughout the world. Today the DEPARTMENT OF WORLD HEALTH SECURITY is reporting that last month, 666,666 people worldwide have been marked... ahemmm... I mean inflicted and diagnosed with the Ebola 2 sickness.* (*patent pending) Our prayers and thoughts go out to those patients and their families. And I think we are ALL hopeful that the newly developed and very expensive treatments will all be affordable and available to EVERYONE, worldwide someday soon.
On a lighter, completely unrelated note:
People are lining up at their local pharmakias very excited about getting their new discounted government issued ebola vaccines. Its been reported that at our own local SorcererSmart, located at the corner of Screwem and Howe, that as many as six hundred and sixty six people a day, have been rolling up to the rollup window, rolling up their sleeves and receiving their cleansing BOLAVAX over the past two weeks.
With this happy note, I'm signing off untill tomorrow with some newly broken news. Tomorrow we will be airing our special report on Apple's new iCHAIR apps, and their integration with the iCRAPPER, and it's new revolutionary wiping app. I hope that app is bug free for sure. All very exciting! Oh I can't wait to hear from all of those crazy conspiracy theorists, warning of increased emergency room visits due to anal lesions and hemorrhoid problems.
This is Jender Bender signing off. Remember to keep your lifescreen dialed in to W.O.E.2 dot U.S for all of your broken news.
Stay tuned for the next, highly anticipated episode of, "I dream of Jeanie's brain in a jar"
Oh, I love that show! Oops, I mean, "program".
Until tomorrow, may Lucifer bless you all.
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