Kids & Parenting

Sending a Message to Their Brain

by Anne O'Donnell
12/13/20
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As a woman entering the later years of life, I frequently ponder the feelings of inferiority that dominated the way I carried myself through relationships and social surroundings leading up until about five years ago when the Lord delivered me from shame. I don’t have one memory of my parents loving me according to the Christian definition of love I know today, and would like to blame them for turning me into an emotional cripple who suffered the consequences of parental detachment as a young girl. They acted in ignorance and disbelief, as I believe the critical importance of healthy relationships was nonexistent to them. 

I have since then forgiven them, and used those tragic experiences to shape the way I raised my own children, as well as offering counsel to young mothers who feel incapable of raising up their children “in the way they should go.” (Proverbs 22:6)

My father could be classified as a passive reclusive, who took great pride in dodging his role as leader of the home, causing him to remain in the dark when it came to raising his children.

My mother conceived ten children and lost three, leaving her more relieved than sorrowful. She only wanted three children, but was trapped under my father’s determination to show his manhood by making babies to impress the Catholic church which caused her to resent my father and their marriage ended. Raising seven children proved to be hell on earth for her, and she delighted in taking out her revenge on all of us. Sadly, we grew up with severe emotional repercussions from the way we were raised.

There is a method to raising high functioning children, but many mothers I encounter are deprived of knowing the components necessary to accomplish this feat, or worse yet, do not want to follow them because the process by which we raise mentally and spiritually healthy children involves obeying God. Our creator designed our brains and nervous system to work in conjunction with each other to produce the results He wanted. 

I have compiled this list to serve as a guideline on what to implement into your parenting goals, as they have been not only biblically proven to shape the kind of people we become, but scientifically proven as well.

A baby learns very quickly whether they are loved and valued, and where they belong in your list of priorities:

“The only way to permit a newborn to survive and grow up is to respond to his needs, and in order to succeed it is necessary, first of all, that the adults around him understand what his needs are.” (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/)

Communicating with newborns can be summed up by meeting their needs. Responding to a baby’s cry lets them know they are important and worthy of attention.

The parent–infant bond is central to the human condition. It is the parents’ responsibility to give the child reasons to trust them because there is a link between trust and confidence. Parents must respond to their signals for love and affection. A child must know his parents delight in their presence, in fact, celebrate them every waking minute!

Babies and children quickly learn their value through their sense of seeing your frequent smiles, hearing your laughter and words of comfort, and your touching with frequent hugs, but no sound is more important than the sound of your voice. Your calm and reassuring voice conveys safety.

Babies and children know when we are giving them our time, in the same way they perceive if we are shooing them off and ignoring them. They see when we express joy in their accomplishments and encourage their interests.

Children starve for human touch, recognition, and our active listening through eye contact, all of which build a foundation for them to identify their own self-worth throughout childhood and well into adulthood. Yes, bonding to human love begins at birth. It sends signals to the baby’s brain that will get stored as good memories if they feel attached to the parent, or bad destructive memories if they are ignored and ridiculed. 

Children need to feel safe and emotionally secure in their own home to develop confidence, and comforting a child lets them know they are loved. When they are secure in a parent’s love, they learn to carry a sense of security even when you are not around.

A parent’s intimate involvement in their child’s challenges and sorrows sends neurological messages to the brain that signal an emotional safe haven is ready and waiting for them, and any distress they are feeling will be addressed.

In summary, a baby/child quickly discerns their place in your world by what you say, how often to draw them into your affections, the difference between tolerating them and deeply passionately loving them, and how you lay down your life for them.

They are smart, and when a parent understands the foundation children need to build upon for a future of mental and emotional stability, they will take these God ordained principles to heart!