I cannot pinpoint the exact moment or event that initiated my healing, but as I was going through some old photos and sentimental articles of my past this past week I realized when I looked at these articles that I am not angry anymore, nor sad, nor happy.
It is as if I was a stranger looking at the memories of someone’s life I do not know. It is if I am reading a biography of a person that once existed but is not alive to tell the stories or events that shaped his life. It is odd though; I always wished that I could erase the pain and emotional turmoil from which I have lived my life for the past 39 years.
Never could I ever imagine it would be like this. I am now an empty slate; a clean cupboard with nothing inside it. I am afraid for my only foundation I knew my whole life is gone. I am now without direction not knowing where to go from here or how am I supposed to feel in any given situation.
How do I suppose to live? How am I supposed to be now? If I am not angry, should I be elated? If I am not sad; should I have joy? If I am not happy; should I feel normal?
Funny, a few months ago I knew then that I lived a normal life. A nice steady job, a roof over my head, friends and family that loved me, food on my table and that even through my pain , anxiety and fears I could lift up my head and looked the world in the eyes with pride , knowing that I made it. I am all right.
Although I still have the same nice steady job, the same room over my head, the same family and friends that loves me and the same food on the table I know now for sure my life will never be normal again. I have changed. I have becoming a stranger that I do not know.
What is normal anyway? Is being normal not a way of being conformed to the expectations of someone else? Is normal not the way of society setting the standard of being what we should be instead of what we could be?
My best guess is that it is both. Not that it matter though anyhow. In all of this I know now that I was never created to be normal as society or others have dictated to me all of my life. I am a beloved of my Heavenly Father; I am the bride of the Groom Who is to come. I am worth it. I am enough. I am the treasure of my Father’s heart. I am loved.
Although this unknown stranger and void will take some time getting used to, there is one thing I know for sure; my life will never be normal again. From now on every single day will be a surprise gift to be opened up; a new opportunity to help others to receive the gift of healing, peace and contentment I have received.
I know now that my life is not about me and every time I am helping someone else in need from this new place of healing and contentment I am putting a smiling on my Heavenly Father’s face. It is then that I shall fill this void with the right stuff, not with anger, hate or self-doubt nor with temporary joy that only hold for a day or two but with small acts of kindness, love, self-acceptance and the acceptance that the Father’s love is what it is. It is pure, unconditional and filled with unaccountable grace.
It is not necessary for us to try to explain the love of the Father heart that is so deep and wide that nothing in the heavens or on this earth can ever compare with it. All that we need to do is to accept that His love is what it is; pure and simple.
This stranger will be okay. I am okay. It does not matter how I feel, how I ought to react in situations not even what I have or do is carrying any weight. What is carrying more weight is my Father’s heart for me, His unconditional love for me as His daughter; the apple of His eye.