Humor

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Summer is my favorite time of the year. It makes up for the nastiness of winter, the cold and the gloom, not to mention the snow. The only place I like my snow is on a postcard sent by some family member up North where they have all the kind of stuff.

My love affair with summer began when I was in school. I know school is supposed to be a great time and it was for me except for those classes where the teachers were trying to teach me something. They had their work cut out with me.

School was rather boring, but then, Summer came and set all the prisoners free, me being one of them. Since that time, I have always appreciated the good nature of Summer and have celebrated it as enthusiastically as possible.

Now that summer is here, the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage and me are planning to take a wee bit of vacation. It is not often that we can pack up our bags and “get out of Dodge.” When we do, it is a very special time.

When it comes to vacations, my wife and I are at opposite ends of what a vacation is all about. As soon as we mention the word “vacation,” I am ready to go. Not so with the better half. She has all kinds of planning and preparation work to do and it takes more work for her to plan our vacation than it does to stay home and just work.

My part of the planning is to stay out of her way! I learned this a long time ago and have the scars to prove it.

Some people believe that women are masters at multitasking. My wife is the queen. I, on the other hand, am a master at anti-tasking. My wife can juggle four or five different jobs at the same time while I can do nothing at the same time. It’s a gift on my part.

For vacation, I only need three things, which makes my vacation the wonder and joy that it always is.

The first thing I pack for vacation is my incorrigible laziness. I am not boasting, mind you, but I have mastered the art of laziness like nobody you know. In fact, if I was not so lazy, I would do several workshops on Mastering the Art of Laziness. I have a Master’s degree in laziness and if I was not so lazy, I would prepare a diploma to hang on the wall.

Some people go on vacation to do all kinds of things and get involved in all kinds of activities; I go to work on my laziness.

My wife has a little bit of trouble with this. She is the Queen Bee when it comes to busyness and is buzzing all the time. I am the honey that flows rather slowly.

Another important thing in my baggage for vacation is my non-vegetable diet. I know vegetables are good for you, but please, on my vacation this is the one thing I am vacating.

When I sit down at a meal on my vacation, I do not want to see any vegetables or anything green or leafy on my plate. I want my plate piled high with apple pie à la mode, chocolate cake topped with a scoop of ice cream, and for dessert, a bowl of ice cream topped with a scoop of ice cream, and do not be stingy with the chocolate fudge.

Of course, after such a lunch I am feeling a little woozy and need to go back to my room and sleep it off. This is carefully planned on my part. After every lunch, my vacation companion has this uncontrollable desire to visit thrift shops. She can smell a thrift shop 25 miles away. You can imagine how someone as lazy as me is not too interested in visiting all of these stores during vacation. It has something to do with my drug problem. I do not like being drug from one thrift shop to another all afternoon.

Then there is my Sun Sponge attitude that soaks up all the sun available. When I come back from my vacation, I want to have a sunny glow about me that lasts for weeks.

This is where the art of laziness is quite handy. In order to get as much sun as possible you have to be able to do as little as possible. Sitting out in the sun with nothing to do is the best posture for soaking up the sun.

So, here I am, sitting all packed and ready to go, while the wife is making sure she has everything packed she needs. I could go on vacation on a scooter while she needs a U-Haul.

No matter who you are, vacation is a time for rest and I suppose everybody has their own definition of rest.

The Bible speaks of “rest” around 380 times. Most people have not caught this idea.

My favorite verse is, “Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass” (Psalms 37:7).

It is easy to get all caught up with the activities of the world around, but it takes a lot of discipline to really “rest in the Lord.”

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