Humor

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Is it just me or has the whole world going crazy about diets and exercise?

This came to me sometime this week when I was having trouble sleeping one night. I was tossing, turning and getting grunts from the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage.

I decided to get up and watch a little television to make me sleepy. Nothing makes me sleepy like watching television. Of course, when my wife and I are watching TV together we both are complaining about how many commercials there are.

I decided to watch a little bit of television and hopefully in a half hour or so I would get sleepy enough so I could go back to bed. During my watching, I came across so many “infomercials” that I thought I was dreaming or at least having a nightmare.

The thing I noticed about these “infomercials” is the “info” has no commercial value for me. All they want to talk about is diet, diet, diet. Isn’t there something more interesting to talk about?

I was watching one “infomercial” and the brazen claim was simply this; if I go on their diet, they guaranteed me that I will look great in a bikini. Really? Why do I want to look great in a bikini? Noticing some of their bikinis, I wear more in the shower and they were wearing on the beach.

No sale for me.

Instead of getting drowsy I was getting a little frustrated and angry.

The thing that really got me was simply this; their argument was that being “post-thin” (to use my terminology) is not normal. According to them, normal is being so skinny people can count how many bones you have.

Have these people been out in public recently? If skinny is normal, there are not too many around. If they are looking for normal, they need to see that skinny is not normal.

Personally, I get a little weary of people judging me from their cookie-cutter perspective. Maybe, just maybe, skinny is not normal! Maybe, just maybe, I, who lean towards the full figure side of the scale, may be normal. Wouldn’t that be a kick in their pants!

Some infomercials tried to sell me some kind of exercise equipment. The only shrinking involved in those infomercials would be with my bank account. They earnestly believe in transferring my wealth into their wealth. I am not in Great Britain so I do not want to lose any British pounds. Of course, if I do buy one of their exercise equipment, I will not have enough money to buy food for the next three months. That would be a sure way to lose weight.

When it comes to diets, my wife is very committed to a balanced diet. The problem is, her concept of a balanced diet and mine are completely different.

For my wife, a balanced diet means a little bit of this and a little bit of that and it had better be green and leafy. If there ever was a vegetable queen in the world, she comes close. She has more vegetables on the table than I could ever identify.

Of course, I am assuming they are vegetables because she calls them vegetables. How am I to know they are actually vegetables? The only thing I guard against is that green treelike vegetable she calls “broccoli.” She has tried sneaking it in and so far, at least to my knowledge, I have avoided any encounter with anything resembling broccoli.

My idea of a balanced diet is simple, all I can balance on my spoon and get into my mouth without dropping it. That, to me, is a balanced diet. I must say I am quite good with my balanced diet. Believe me, it is very hard to balance vegetables on my spoon and I refuse to practice!

Getting back to these infomercials trying to convince me I need to exercise and get on a diet. I would like to inform them I am on what I call the twelve-step program. I have put a lot of thought and planning in this program. There are six steps to the refrigerator and then six steps back to my recliner. This twelve-step program has worked marvelously for me.

As I was watching these infomercials I was not getting sleepy, but I was getting hungry. So, I put my twelve-step program in place and as I was watching the rest of those infomercials, I was eating some nice creamy ice cream along with some crunchy candy and to ease my conscience, a diet soda.

What could be healthier than eating like that while watching some infomercials on dieting and exercise? I think the only exercise I really need is watching those exercising on TV. And the thing I notice about these people exercising on TV, they do not really need to exercise. Everyone seemed to be rather skinny.

But as for me, I want to fit in with the normal people of this world. After all, I would like to show to the world by my “plumpness” that my wife is the greatest cook in the world.

One of my favorite Bible verses is in the Old Testament. “And the priest shall burn them upon the altar: it is the food of the offering made by fire for a sweet savour: all the fat is the Lord's” (Leviticus 3:16).

If the Lord can handle my size, I need not listen to anybody else.

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