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I recently watched a viral poetry rant by a veteran who suffers from TBI and PTSD who was genuinely offended by a civilian's behavior toward him. From the sound of it, the civilian wasn't trying to be offensive, but he didn't understand how to be respectful either. While looking up information about it, I noticed a website devoted to calling out civilians that fake military service (usually walking around in uniform to get attention). A lot of civilians tend to wonder what the big deal is about either of these situations. The truth is that this, and many other issues veterans face, stem from a disconnect between military and civilians. There's a gap in between, there's a wall; a high-voltage electric fence with barbed wire. You get the idea.

Personally, I'm glad that we don't face the same persecution today that veterans faced after the Vietnam War. For the most part we are treated with respect and gratefulness, but that glaring disconnect still remains. The truth is that it's just not possible to understand unless you've been through it. The dependents of military personnel understand better because they sacrificed right alongside their service member. Yet even then we have a hard time speaking to our spouse and children about things when we come home. I even have a hard time relating to my brother in the Army who has seen hard combat; the closest thing I came to combat in the Navy was chasing enemy ships away from the oil platforms in the Gulf. Being Naval Air Maintenance the dangers I faced were spinning rotor blades, jet intakes, and going overboard.

A couple weeks back I spoke to my brother for the first time in two years. Not because we were fighting, but because he had been on deployment and after that, because of his PTSD and personal hardships, I knew he just needed some space. He told me, “I've just got so much going on in my life that I don't have time to worry about anyone else,” and that's cool. I get that. Often times the only answer given for PTSD is to go to a councilor and “get fixed,” but if that councilor is a civilian then you've got that same wall to get past. If the councilor is a service member, then they know that no amount of counseling is going to “fix” anything. Coming home from deployment is a great example of this.

No matter what you faced on deployment, coming home presents a challenge. You've been gone, out of the picture, in another world. Now you've gotta come back in and...what? Adjust? Get back in the groove? I left for deployment on my son's first birthday, my daughter was two and half. Almost a year later I was walking down the airport hallway with that same inevitable thought that every service member with young kids has, what if they don't remember me? When they ran up into my arms and yelled “daddy!” it was the biggest sense of relief that I have ever felt. That wasn't the end of it though; my son and I had a lot of adjusting to do. I hadn't been around, and he had been the little man of the house. Now all of a sudden I was giving the orders and expecting him to obey. It was a trail for both of us, and seven years later we're still learning.

My answer has been, and always will be, to rely on the Lord. A lot of people don't like that answer though. My brother doesn't want me to bring up “God stuff,” and I understand that. I believe that God brings healing, but I have to respect that for some people there is a wall there; a fence with a “No Trespassing” sign hung on it. Just as civilians need to understand, and respect, that boundary between military and civilian. When we're ready, we'll decide when to tear the walls down. Some may remain forever; I'm still mentioning things about deployment to my wife that I've never talked about before. Military service isn't a job, it's a different world. A world that doesn't belong in our ordinary pedestrian existence, and we who have served feel that extensively. So my advice to civilians? Don't try to force understanding, just respect the boundaries. Just say “that's cool, I respect that” even if you don't get it. Understand that there may be some stuff that you never get. My advice for service members? Cut em some slack, and realize that if you want people to understand, you're going to have to do like our brother did with his poetry rant and tear down some walls.

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