Grief

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“13. Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. 14. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. 15. According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18. Therefore encourage one another with these words.
-1Thessalonians 4:13-18 NIV

Here we are, two days from the 2year anniversary of the second deadliest school shooting in America. I can remember it like it was yesterday, 9am in the morning, right before I headed to class, the breaking news caught my eye. My grandma was sitting on the couch in shock at what she was reading across the screen, I had to sit down because it was only in disbelief that I was able to look at the television. December 14, 2012 the lives of 20 first graders and 7 adults were taken, the 28th victim was the perpetrator. My heart raced with anticipation as I watched the news. Parents running trying to get to their children, children walking out of the school with their eyes closed in the form of a train. Was this really happening? Did these babies really get shot by piercing bullets in school? Who could think to come in a school and shoot little bodies as these? All school shooting are tragic, but this was the most tragic to me because they were babies, their lives had been robbed from them without a way or knowledge to defend themselves. I blessed God for the teachers and staff who put their lives on the line, and I prayed for the staff who lost their lives and their families in this tragic incident. By the end of the day, the numbers were completed. So many children died that day, and I remember the tears swelling up in my eyes as I could only imagine what the families were going through. I prayed for months that God would give these families peace. Only on that day I never thought that not even a year later I would be experiencing a lost of my own.
Almost a year later my same grandma who was watching this terrible incident take place just a year before was brought to the hospital. I can remember when she was brought to the hospital. I was not scared at all, thinking it was just a little sickness, and that they were going to send her home and everything would be fine again. As the week went on her condition became worse. But I kept my head up, I prayed, and I walked around like everything was okay because there was no way she was leaving that week. I remember the Thursday of that week I prayed with her before I went to bible study. She was sleep but I prayed and I remember saying, “God remind us that even if you don’t heal her you are Still Able!” I left her that night, without a fear in the world. The next night I stayed with her in the hospital, praying all night, up every hour. She had a peaceful sleep not much pain that night. The next morning I went home, to get some sleep before returning to the hospital, but not even two hours later I received a message saying she was moved to ICU. Of course I still didn’t have a thought. Didn’t even think this could be my last day seeing her. I went to the hospital a few hours later. They made me dress in this yellow gown with gloves. I remember thinking to myself, “is this that serious?” I just sat and watched her, I remember her saying, “There’s my baby right there!” I just smiled and told her to rest, to not get herself worked up. I left the hospital telling her I would be back. The minute I returned home, I received a phone call to come immediately back to the hospital. My heart raced, things weren’t going well and I couldn’t think straight, yet I had to keep moving, I picked up my sister and we went to the hospital. When I got there, I saw a scene I will never forget. Six or seven doctors in her room doing CPR, All I saw was her life less body bouncing on the bed from the pressure they put on her trying to get her heart to start. The doctor came out, “We have done CPR for eight minutes, still no sign of brain activity, no sign of life, do you want us to stop or keep going?” My mom responded immediately, “Keep going until you can’t go no more” I looked at both of them, the doctor went back to work, I looked at my sister, the look of fright on her face, I looked at my aunt she began praying earnestly, I looked at my mother who could barely believe what was going on, I looked at my uncle who waited nervously, and there I was, Confused. I wanted to pray, but there was something in me that already said she was gone. I sat and I watched them beat her chest for another 22 minutes. They had performed CPR for 30minutes, still no sign of life. It was October 19, 2013 where I lost a piece of my heart, my second parent. It was then that my life became completely different the world that I knew it to be was no more. But it was in that moment God became the ultimate strength. He became all that I wanted, all that made sense to me, There was nothing not a human being could do for me. He was the only one with the comfort that I needed.
I wrote this story because I realize that dealing with the sting of death is something that is not easy to bare. The point for my blog is to talk about things that I am over, and That God has healed from. But this story is different. God continues to heal me and strengthen me day by day, but the dullness of my heart, the ache and the missing piece still remains. And there is nothing no one can do about it. People would send their condolences and of course I would appreciate them, but I had got to a place where I realized there is nothing to be said in a time like this, because in your heart of hearts all you really want to happen is for the loved one to be returned to you again. But you realize that it can’t happen, you realize that what has happened was Gods will, and the only thing you can do from that point on is pull on the only one who can make it better. God himself. As the Holiday seasons are very present, I realize that this is one of the roughest times when dealing with a lost. Remembering all that was done, and all the fun times that you shared can become quite difficult. However it is in these moments where I find myself pulling on God the most.
This past year has been quite interesting. In the beginning, I was shocked, I had no emotional response, and I often blamed myself. Did I not pray enough, was God punishing me? It took a while to get over the guilt, and the blame of wondering if I was to blame for what happened. None of this made sense to me. She was supposed to come home, but she didn’t. I had to pray and ask God to help me with what I was feeling. God then showed me that what happened had nothing to do with where I was or what I did or did not do. Once I became at peace with that, the mourning process started. Late nights, crying myself to sleep, dealing with a pain in my heart that seemed so unreal, and so unfixable that I didn’t know what to do. Calling on God was the only thing I could do. And doing that put my mind at ease and piece. As time moves on, it still seems so surreal. Still as I walk in my house I can still feel the presence of my grandma, as I grocery shop I sense her with me, helping me pick out the best fruits and veggies. I feel like she was the best one for the job. I’ve never dealt with a close death before, so it was kind of difficult. After the initial stages of shock, reality began to set in. My family doesn’t really talk about it. I mean we talk about how she used to make the pies and how she used to do certain things that none of us would do, but talking about the pain that we each shared was not done. I mean, it seemed as though all of us were in the same boat, yet none of us knew how to comfort each other. Each day I wondered what was going on in the mind of my brothers and cousins, what my mom, aunt, or uncle were thinking. How my sister was holding up. After all, we had just lost a member of our household and it was as if everything was on silent. I felt as if I had to hide my pain from the very ones that I knew would understand the most. I often times wondered, why we put up such a strong front, when we were breaking down on the inside. Many people say, with time it gets easier. But over this year, with time it got harder. The reality set in day by day that she wasn’t coming home. I would walk in my room, expecting to see her walk down the hallway to offer me a piece of candy. Watching Criminal minds and the soap operas is a negative for me. Those were the shows that we watched together, and I am unable to get through them without a tear swelling up in my eyes. It’s December and it still hurts! So what do I do? I continue to trust God, knowing that His word is true. Knowing that there is hope that I will see her again. Believing that His will was done, and that this was done for a purpose. I am going to be honest, if this was done to strengthen me, I don’t see how it made me strong. However, I do rest and sleep at night in the peace of God. When those spurts come every now a then, I literally talk to God and ask him to intervene. I honestly don’t want to talk to anyone else, because no one can give me what I want at the moment.
I know it may sound like I’m saying there is no hope in the situation, but that is not what I am saying. I am saying that though it has been a rough year, without God I wouldn’t have made it. I have escaped the mouth of depression concerning this situation because of Him. I have escaped the feeling of hopelessness. What this has done for me is made me realize how valuable family is. To cease every moment that I have with my love ones and not take them for granted. This has taught me how to be a better, daughter, niece, sister, and granddaughter. This has brought me to the realization, that God does give peace even when it seems like He’s not there. So though it hurts, and though I still have my bad days, Through it all God is still a strengthener, he is still a healer, and he still will allow all things to work together for the good! I may not understand now, but I am positive that He will reveal himself! Myles Munroe Jr. said, “God may not explain himself, but He will reveal Himself!” And I believe that. God will show Himself strong. So for all who have suffered the same suffering, be encouraged! Grieving takes a while, but remember that God is Still God, and He will Strengthen, Heal, and Deliver you though the process. So mourn, cry, laugh, remember, love on your love ones you still have, and embrace every moment of life, because tomorrow is not promised.

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