Testimonies

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JEALOUSY/ENVY: "WHY NOT ME?"


Genesis 37:3-4, 17-20 KJV
"3. Now Israel loved Joseph more than all his children because he was the son of his old age: and he made him a coat of many colours. 4. And when his brethren saw that their father loved him more than all his brethren, they hated him, and could not speak peaceably unto him. 17. And Joseph went after his brethren, and found them in Dothan. 18. And when they saw him afar off, even before he came near unto them, they conspired against him to slay him. 19. And they said one to another, Behold, this dreamer cometh. 20. Come now therefore, and let us slay him, and cast him into some pit and we will say some evil beast hath devoured him: and we shall see what will become of his dreams."


You know, I love the story of Joseph. It deals with so many different things that we encounter on a daily basis. Trusting God, Confidence in what we hear from God, learning when to speak and when not to, patience, honesty, meekness, long suffering, favoritism, confusion, forgiveness, leadership, and Jealousy. It probably deals with a lot more, but these are the ones I can think of right now. For many years I focused on the story of Joseph looking at it from his perspective. What he went through, how unfair his siblings were, how unfair Potiphars wife was, and how Joseph through it all still was found favorable in the eyes of his captors. To me Joseph was an example of how I should react when I am waiting on God to do what He said He was going to do in my life. He was the ideal example of how to remain patient, trust God, and then forgive. However, I barely ever looked at it from the brothers perspective. Every time I thought of the brothers, I always thought, "How dare they?" I always thought they were so mean, and I never really understood how they could have so much hate in their hearts to sell their brother, and wound their father. Didn't they think about anyone but themselves? After so many years, I was reading the story of Joseph one day, and I thought, Hmmm, I recognize why the brothers acted the way they did. I too have felt the way they did, about numerous of things. It was then I realized that not only were they acting out of the spirit of Jealousy, but they were hurt also. They were upset that Joseph was literally treated better than they were by their own father. And in return they became angry and hateful, not on purpose, but in a way that they couldn't control. I had to really do a self assessment, God am I operating in the spirit of Jealousy? And if so, where was I hurt? What happened that caused me to feel this way concerning another human being. It was then I realized, I might not have sold my brothers into slavery, but what have I done to cause harm to the ones closest to me? The ones that I called my friends, but yet had hidden Jealousy in my heart concerning them. The self assessment led me to a place where I knew I needed to ask God for help, and I needed it quick.
To me Jealousy and envy is one in the same. Its coveting, or desiring something that some else has. This is not something that is easy to admit. I mean, who wants to admit that they are Jealous of a person. Who wants to admit that they go through spurts of envy, wanting something that someone else has. It's almost embarrassing or shameful because in your heart of hearts you just want for your stuff to be right. Honestly, you don't want exactly what the person has, you just want the same benefits, especially when it seems as if you are getting no where. I can understand, because for so long, this "embarrassing" spirit was something that I dealt with. It was something that I looked over and tried to deny it all day. I wanted to prove that I didn't care what others had, and I was okay with where I was. However, as I got older and stronger in God, that just wasn't an option. It became harder for me to continue to place myself in deception. The Holy Spirit is very convicting! :) As I did self assessments, I realized that there were a lot of things that I was jealous over. A lot of things that I coveted, more than I realized. It actually started getting to a place where I didn't like a person. I would smile in their face, but on the inside I couldn't stand them, it wasn't nothing they did, it was just the simple fact I didn't like where I was. I wasn't happy with myself, and yet in my mind they had all that they could want. God dealt with me heavy concerning this spirit. He took me to the scripture in Gal 5, where envying was one of the fruits of the flesh. He showed me that it wasn't okay where I was and I had to stop comparing my life with others, and my circumstances with other peoples circumstances. I had to be happy and content with where he had me, because as a Christian holding Jealousy in my heart was not the right conduct. And as a person it didn't feel good. It formed hatred in my heart which blocked the chance for the love of Christ to fully enter in.
One day God placed on my heart to confront one of my friends who I had been Jealous over for many years. You know it's strange how a person can become Jealous of the ones they are closest to. But God had me to confront and tell her that I was Jealous of her. I apologized and I asked her to work with me, because I was still in my healing process. As we were talking, she looked confused, then she said,"Okay, but why were you Jealous?" I said, "Because, it seems like everything comes easy for you. I have to struggle all the time, It always seems like i'm on point, then i'm not. I just get tired of feeling like I have to work so hard, and everything comes so easy for everyone else!" Mind you I said everyone else, because I honestly felt like, God put me in this place of long suffering, and it was a never ending story. But it seemed as though everyone around me was excelling in Him. One of the biggest mistakes that I made in my walk was comparing my walk with other people. But I heard a preacher say to before, "as you are looking at other people and comparing yourself, you are waisting time in doing what God needs you to do. So here you are watching other people excel and grow in God and you are not working on yourself, and so there for you're stuck!" When I heard that, that's when I knew I had to get rid of that Jealousy spirit. Anyway, so my friend looked at me and then she said, "Have you ever thought that I admired you and your growth in God? I don't think I understand what it is that I have that you could want. The way you carry yourself is admirable in itself. It causes me to want to keep myself in check." When she said this I was shocked. I had no idea what she was looking at, but it made me realize, their was no reason to be Jealous of her or anyone else. While I'm sitting here thinking I am in the worst position in the world, others are thinking I am in a good place. I wonder if Joseph thought that about his brothers? What if Joseph didn't want to be in the lime light all the time. What if He admired his brothers for their skill sets, and because they were stuck looking at him benefits, they never took the time to really get to know him. To see that he was just their brother who had issues too. After this conversation, the friend and I became close, more so because I had let my guard down and I was able to see what a great person she really was. The point I am trying to make is I realized that my Jealousy was, because of my lack of confidence in myself. I wasn't confident in who I was in Christ. I wan't confident in what He was doing with me, which had me looking at everyone else. This even can be with things that are not spiritual. Jealousy itself, no matter what a person is Jealous of often times stem from a person not being confident in who they are, what they have, and what they are able to obtain. And that is what God showed me. I had to literally reshape my thinking and start to admire who I was as a person, and who I was in God. This is a lesson that wasn't easy to own up to, but it was worth it. GOD GETS ALL THE GLORY!

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