Christian Living

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Forgiveness: The Essence Of Social Living
© 2014

by


Stephen A. Peterson


During Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.’s earthly tenure, one aspect of his ministry, mostly overlooked, was his emphasis on forgiveness. Dr. King recognized early on that if there was to be amelioration among people, forgiveness was essential. Before Dr. King, forgiveness was relegated almost strictly to the domain of religion. Since Dr. King’s death, forgiveness has been reviewed and studied by clinical and counseling psychologists/psychiatrists and the various medically related professionals. They concluded that forgiveness not only acts as a religious healing agent but it is also effective towards mental and physiologic healing of clients/patients.

In order for one to experience the power of forgiveness, a person must open themselves up to both aspects—forgiving those who wronged, hurt or damaged them, and to forgive ourselves. The ability to forgive requires both aspects to be in play. One without the other has been found to leave persons unfulfilled, troubled, emotionally hurting and stressed.

The Judeo-Christian tradition illustrates this form its earliest days to the present. These traditions go even further to indicate that no offense is too egregious or great for God to forgive. More astonishing is that God not only forgives the offense but forgets them! When this is employed, it send a message to the offender that he/she may bring forth their most deepest guilt, their most pervasive act, their deepest shame forward and not be condemned but receive mercy, compassion, unconditional love, acceptance, honor, freedom, compassion.

One of the greatest acts of forgiveness and reconciliation ever documented was Jesus’ visit to the apostles following His crucifixion. Imagine if you will, eleven or more followers in a room, frightened, feeling guilty and ashamed of what they did in their abandonment of Him days before. When Jesus walked through the door, they thought they saw a ghost (a sign of punishment). They feared His revenge for their denial of Him. They had sworn to their own death that they would never betray or abandon Him. They were probably brought to tears when Jesus said: “Peace be to you!” He gave each person present a smile as He lay His hands in a gentle, non threatening gesture on their heads or shoulders in forgiveness and reconciliation. It is difficult to prove, but Jesus probably won over every apostle at that moment forward to be His loyal followers with the Holy Spirit without fear of torture and death.

When faced with the issue of forgiveness, humans are found to debate whether to forgive or hold a grudge. One train of thought is by not forgiving empowers one with voodoo like powers over one’s enemy/opponent/detractor as well as makes one feel less helpless. They accept the illusion they control events and those who wronged them. The solution is revenge. However, this approach always results in hatred, greater anger and more suffering for the one unwilling to forgive and, in many instances, very tragic results. These include but not limited to: physical injury to others, mental and physical disintegration of the person unwilling to forgive, even murder of the opponent.

People are generally confused with respect to forgiveness. They believe forgiveness is feeling based. If I do not feel like forgiving, then it must mean it is impossible to do so and, therefore, justified in the continuation of the grudge, hatred now in place. Empirical research, on the other hand, indicates forgiveness is a decision—an act of the will, a process, a judgment. It is not a feeling but a process, a process purely to chance. Feelings ignore facts, thought, and responsibility for our actions. It is easy not to forgive. It is often very difficult to forgive. Therefore, the process of forgiving requires hard work requiring those choose to forgive to go beyond a one-time decision.

Another misconception regarding forgiveness is a notion that when one forgives that the behavior leading to the transgression is excused, ameliorated, not a factor. In other words, the transgression is meaningless and has no affect. This not so. Forgiveness means you are willing to release or let go of the hatred, bitterness, and anger to move on. The hurt, sin, damage are the lessons learned—the consequences of an event. A comparison is your sin or sins are forgiveness. The consequence or consequences remain—a disease, lack of trust, the death of a person in an accident or murder and so forth that may result in a loss of freedom or one’s life. It is said that the act of forgiving requires but one individual. Reconciliation requires two.

When a person forgives another, the other person may not be aware that he or she has been forgiven. During reconciliation, both individuals are aware of their transgressions to make themselves open to purge themselves of their hostilities and intense bitterness that results in so much harm and destruction of their sense of peace.

Lastly, in more instances than many realize, there is a need to forgive oneself. A lack of self-forgiveness often times results in personal torture lasting for years. The lack of personal forgiveness can usually be tied to a notion of the unforgiveable sin and fear. In many scenarios, a person is well aware of their offense towards another. The offended person has forgiven the offense and has verbally relayed this message to the other person. However, their guilt, shame and loss of a once strong relationship, for example, has turned the person against themselves.

The inability or refusal to forgive oneself is a form of self-punishment, at times leading to masochism as well as emotional and physical damage. Lack of self-forgiveness almost always deprives one of self-compassion making us unable to relate to others, and in for too many, social isolation.

Just like forgiving others, self-forgiveness follows one of Christ’s, therefore God’s, and most basic Commandments. To love one’s neighbor as oneself. When one forgives oneself, one chooses to love themselves in the manner that God had intended as well as fulfill the life He has planned for everyone.

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