Humor

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Only in America can you find such a group of diverse people coming together to really stink up a sport. The Trinity softball team has raised the bar, of yucky that is! We admit it, we stink. I mean, just look at the stats.

Two years ago when we first took the field in the Virginia Beach Co-Ed Church League, we had all the dreams of most of those who aspire to greatness and seek the thrill of victory. Fifteen games later, at the end of the season, we had a record of no wins, fifteen losses, and no ties. Oh, the agony of defeat!

Okay, the next year, last year, we figured we couldn’t do any worse. We actually did pretty fair. We finished the season with 6 wins, 8 losses, and no ties. Not too shabby, hum? Well, we felt pretty good about it anyway!

This year we finished at 7 wins, 9 loses, and no ties. Okay, not so good, but wait! You gotta know a little about our team before you form an opinion about our motley lot.

Remember, I said a diverse group of people? Well, let me tell you a little about our players. We give our players nicknames that somewhat reflect their personality or abilities. You can tell a lot about people by their nicknames, so here goes.

Let’s start off with our co-coach and pitcher, “Iron man” Jack Sheets. He got his name when he was seen chewing on the chain link fence in the bullpen after watching so many errors on the part of our players. You see, he used to coach girls softball for years, in his younger days, so he takes it hard seeing our team stooges do their thing. Jack is nearly fifty years old.

Then there is “Missile Mike,” Harrison our other co-coach. The first year we played, Mike earned his name from hitting the balls out of the park. What happened? It’s been down hill from then! The rest of our team must have rubbed off on the poor boy. Mike is in his early twenties.

Ouuu…next is “Lightening” Jeni Harrison. She is named for her ability to hit the ball to the left field fence and still be thrown out at first, every time. The only time I remember Lightening getting on first is when she hit one to the pitcher and he went to his knees laughing so hard he fell over. You see…Lightening is…well kinda…uaaa…let’s just say, a lot of young woman. Let’s leave it at that! Jeni is in her early twenties.

One of my favorites is “What Was That,” Pat Haga. She was outstanding! Out standing in the field, that is! She got her handle by watching all the balls hit her way, fly over her head with her glove in the air…not moving at all, mind you. She is known for her Cheshire cat grin that never goes away. The only problem with that is that we have to squeegee the bugs off her teeth after each ending. Pat is in her late forties.

There is one bright spot with “All-star” Joey Robins. He is the lonely little petunia in an onion patch. He got his handle because of his fantastic abilities on the field. With his many skills, the rest of our chaotic group must have frustrated him. He is in his very early twenties.

Our faster runner, hence his handle, “Jumping Jack Flash,” Haga is next. He could cause a dust storm with his turning and burning feet of fire. The Road Runner, beep…beep, can’t hold a candle to Flash’s speed. Now, ole Flash is responsible for a big part of our team. He just turned fifty.

His baby girl, “Daughter of Flash,” Rosie Morong was a consistent player and carried that same Cheshire cat smile that was passed down by her mother,” What Was That,” Haga. Yep…had to scrub down her teeth too. She is a very early twenties.

Flash’s son, “Son of Flash,” Robert Haga was as good as we could get, and that ain’t bragging. He did make most of the rest of the team look bad but, again, that didn’t take a lot of effort. He is in his late twenties.

My pick for MVP would be “Tic-Tac,” Trish Thompson, my beloved wife. She got her name because of the rattling sound she made when she ran due to the Tic-Tacs always present in her pocket. She received her first social security check before she played her first softball game. You gotta love that! She is in her early sixties…my honey!

“Down Town,” Faye Reel, is one of the best…well, best of the worst we have. She got her handle from the song she used to sing just to bug us. Faye could talk faster than the fastest ball the pitcher could pitch. Her verbalism was once clocked at 110 miles per hour by radar. She is in her middle forties.

“Up-Town Girl,” Jessica Reel got her name from her dignified stance at third base. Such grace you have never seen and be glad you haven’t. Naaa…she wasn’t so bad except for the fact that she wasn’t able to throw the ball to first without a couple hop, skips, and jumps! She is another early twenties gal.

That leaves the Cupps husband and wife fiasco…uhhh…I mean team. “Rocket Rocky” got his nick name from his ability to hit the ball over the fence…well the back drop fence, that is. Mr. Pop-up might be the best handle. He is in his late thirties.

Now, for his dear wife, “Waddles” Carley Cupp. She was tagged with that handle because of her duck like posture whenever she had the opportunity to run for first, which was very seldom as her and the ball had an understanding; you don’t hit me and I won’t hit you! Deanna is discreetly in the forties there about.

Well, you get the idea! Put us all together and what do you have…embarrassment!

Oh, forgot yours truly. “911,” Lucian Thompson, reserve extraordinaire. Reserve, because I have had a 5-way heart by-pass, lung surgery, cervical spine surgery, and neurological damage. I am sixty-one years old.

I did get to play once. Got a hit and made it to second. It was one of the most emotional moments of my life as I looked back at my beloved misfit teammates and all of them had their cell phones in hand ready to push 911 if I fell to the ground. It brought tears to my eyes; such love!

There is a positive thing that happened this year. We were approached by a couple of sponsors for next year; Ben-Gay and the sports drink company, Geritol. Personally I opt for the sports drink company…just sounds better, don’t you think?

So if you are anywhere around Virginia Beach next season, stop by and take in one of our games. It would be nice to have someone sit in the bleachers behind our team for a change!

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