Poetry
What is it, that draws you near?
Is it, through love, or because you fear?
You're drawn towards me, and I am touched,
because I love you, so very much;
from the time before, you were even born,
to the times your heart's, been tired and torn.
To me, who created you, your life is worth -
a thousand more cups, of dust and dirt.
From dirt you came, a speck on earth;
to dust you'll return, with angels' mirth;
for when you come, to those pearly gates,
I'll look you in the eye, with such loving gaze.
For me, it's the attraction, from 'lost' to 'found';
your heart with mine, is safe and sound;
for on your journey, you did find,
My son Jesus;
love, peace and kind.
Phoebe Carter
12th Sept 2012
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Just from a strictly technical POV, I noticed you had some commas that didn't quite seem to fit. I know commas can be an individual choice but wonder if you need the all of ones in the middle of the lines. EX: Is it, through love, For me it would flow better like Is it through love, or because you fear? (Which by the way I think is an absolutely brilliant line. It is something all Christians need to ask themselves on a regular basis.) I'd also take out the comma after heart's because it's a contraction for heart has and the comma interrupts the flow between has been)
I only mention it because it does halt the flow a bit and this is such an outstanding piece. With just a touch of polishing I could easily see this being published in a magazine or an anthology. You really touched my heart with this one and I know that it will touch people in ways you may never be able to imagine. Keep writing you have a beautiful talent.
Wing His Words!